Troubles of a Twentysomething

Poetry

2012-01-29T20:58:00.000Z

The Smile
That smile could break a thousand hearts
It's what sets you apart
A gesture of warmth, energy and light
Beyond gritty determination is a passion burning bright

Cheery, sexy or friendly whatever it may be
For some such a smile may set a lonely heart free
Welcoming, beckoning, teasing, encouraging - it says a thousand words
(They don't need to be heard)
Happiness for some is hearing a singing bird
Sharing time with friends
Yet for me, a great day depends
On a glimpse, a flash..of your smile
It may not be for me, but yet that gorgeous smile as wide and long as the Nile
Lights up my life every once in a while...

Re: Rainy Days

2012-01-29T20:41:00.002Z

Well Alan's gone on loan.
Whether we were genuinely interested or not is unclear, perhaps he was too much of a risk given that hes hardly played in over a year and we needed someone to slot straight into the side, maybe under the current circumstances it was felt a further supposed division of the fans would be foolhardy..the mind boggles! A few things are certain however, Smithy will get games, Newcastle get part of his wages off the bill, he gets placed in the proverbial shop window, gets fit and perhaps then, finally, Leeds or A.Nother will see enough potential to offer him a permanent move away from the nightmare that has been Newcastle.

Can't pretend I'm not feeling numb or that I'm overly happy, nor can I say I'm completely surprised that he hasn't gone back. A vociferous few have it in for him, I always worried at the back of my mind that Bates would use him as a cash cow and milk the returning hero 'PR Spin' for all it was worth, SG probably ummed and ahhed that he may divide the dressing room with his big personality and past glories at ER. Wages would've been steep even with a large pay cut but if MK Dons are only paying a few grand towards it, what was stopping us?

In the end, perhaps this is the clear mind space time that I need, to reflect, chill out and make the most of the opportunity to stop being distracted by constant ideas of him returning to Leeds and focus on my own issues. I've struggling to get back into my Creative Writing workshops and got a bit complacent with my fitness, some weeks I go to the gym quite a bit, other weeks I'm feeling a bit down or unwell and don't go as often as I should. It's now time to focus on myself and come what may, I will march on regardless. Donny game to look forward to, cousin Bridie's son is getting christened in March, hen do in April for the sister in law, lots of RSPCA projects to be getting on with.
The main event isn't over, this is merely a side show. What doesn't kill us makes us stronger, right?

Rainy Days

2012-01-29T15:26:00.002Z

It never rains but it pours. Felt a bit down yesterday what with the news that my favourite player Alan Smith was probably going to MK Dons on loan (why why why??? LEEDS get your ARSE in gear?!) then today...oh dear!

Went to the farmers market with Mum and Dad, wasn't feeling on top form anyway, that was quite quiet and civilised, then we went to Auntie and Uncles with Stu, Sarah and Jack to be sociable. To be honest, we had bad vibes about this because Stuart doesn't cope very well with a few of us talking at once in a group/crowd situation with his hearing and Jack can find it a little overwhelming. Stuart bit Mum's head off several times, was rude to me, both he and Sarah were lazy and obnoxious. Naturally, I had no desire to attend Sunday lunch. Jack is always pleased to see me and was very lovely, I continually feel sad and lonely when I see him because as I said to Mum, I know that I would cope so much better than them and appreciate Jack more. A great shame.
So what compounds my misery further? Smithy is 24hrs away from moving to MK Dons. Ok, it's a loan, yes it's temporary and no they won't afford him permanently, but it will mean that he will never come back to Leeds and that I am left collecting yet more dust wondering what if. Not a good time. Not at all. I can't be bothered to go to the gym, my head is buzzing I feel like going back to bed. There MUST be a twist in the tale, there must be some way of turning this weekend around?!

Well Hello 2012!

2012-01-16T15:32:00.002Z

Since I last wrote into the blog, we were pretty ill with a Norovirus, sickness, the runs not very pleasant, had a knock on effect in the New Year as I went down with a horrible cold over the few days I was visiting my Mum's family. Bit grim! Missing football, haven't been for a while as Dad's been quite grumpy, lack of business has led to cherry picking games and he's not keen on going for a bit since Leeds haven't exactly set the league alight of late.

Anyway, let's get to the point of this blog, an update on Jack and a few reflections. Jack has learned to crawl and gets very excited when he sees people he knows, nodding hsi head like a manic puppy dog sednsing food(!) His blond hair and blue eyes make him a prime candidate for a picture perfect 'Fairy' liquid baby themed advert. It should be noted that Jack is a decent substitute for weights and dumbbells, carrying him around is challening but there's no danger of developing bingo wings at this rate!

At times I feel a little despondent about Granny/Auntie Wednesdays, as if they are bitter sweet moments. He reminds me of teh happy times I spent with my own grandparents, particularly as he plays with a few of my old toys, from gawping at a handmade musical mouse to laughig at me making my old Spot the Dog toy bark excitedly at him(!) On the other side of the coin, Jack reminds me that I have my own deep rooted ambitions to find Mr Right and enjoy bringing up my own children one day. People remark how good I am with him and Jack's face lights up brighter than a Christmas tree light when he catches sight of me. I find myself grumbling and lamenting my brother;s lack of creativity, enthusiasm and proactivity when it comes to engaging with and enjoying time with Jack. The truth is, I don't know whether I have left it too late. Most friends are attached, got children, have own homes or planning weddings. I feel like Miss Haversham, waiting for a life defining moment.

I have so much going for me; pub quiz extraordinaire, pianist, singer, artist, teacher, writer etc, but there is a nagging doubt pecking away at my head like an irritating Woodpecker at a rave, as to whether I am missing something. I don't want a man for reassurance or for flash clothes, nor do I need him to kickstart a career. I need someone to share my passions with, to bounce off creative ideas and energies, to enrich my experiences and challenge my fears. I'd love to go back to Paris, I haven't been to see an RSC Shakespeare productiom in years, it'd be great to get to another Leeds United away game.

As my sister in law to be excitedly posts all about her wedding plan progress I'm thinking that should be me, I'm ready to move on up and make changes to my life, I have all these ideas, dreams, hopes, but no one there to answer the call. My brother and his fiancee adore Jack but have done everything in the blink an eye, moving in, getting a new house, engagement, baby, all within the space of less than 18mnths. I have waited patiently stweing on life, determined to get what I want when the timing is right, not just because everyone else seems to be steamrollering through the rites of passage like its just another must have fashion accessory or trend.

True love matures like a fine wine but without careful nurturing it can go off quicker than Noami Campbell at a Press Conference. It is their (my brother and his fiancee's)life but I just think they would have been happier getting to know one another, having more holidays, trips and adventures, now theye've always got to consider Jack. He is a lovely, cheeky little boy but I really hope they don't have another as none of us are slowing down and they aren't taking a grip on the responsibility side of things - ringing up at silly o'clock, expecting tea and sympathy, carting him off for the afternoon so they can do Tescos in peace etc...life is an effort, but the rewards are plenty! Wish they'd grasp it. My parents may be in their mid fifties but they're both working and have an active social life - so they should! - Of course they love having Jack and yes they do come when called or the fingers are clicked, which is only natural, but there's a wider net beyond the little bubble of Jack and his family.

The world revolves around Jack and it has put pressure on everyone. When will I get my chance to shine? How would they react if I found Mr Right and wanted to settle down? They'd have to share time more freely, right now, they take centre stage because of Jack, I feel inadequate as I am the eldest grandchild, eldest child and no children, no boyfriend and no permanent job just freelance writing and creative writing workshops part time.

I have had fantastic parties from Murder Mysteries to dodgy discos, so I'm not going to even bother trying to compete with them in terms of weddings or whatever. I have nothing to prove. With this in mind, if Mr Right does take a correct turning or beam up from the Moon or indeed appear from whichever rock he is hiding under...I don't want a big circus engulfing any wedding, family gathering or amnouncement in my honour. Weddings are about two people and for me, as long as the love and happiness is at the forefront of proceedings, thats what counts, not one upmanship, boasting about who paid for what. I wouldn't have bridesmaids and I'd do away with too many speeches. I'd take myself up there (the aisle) if I was dafgt enough to marry somebody then it's my responsibility, I've lived away from home for a few years now.

I don't want arguments or my parents deflecting from the point of the day by showing off or demanding too much of a say, so if it's fish and chips at the local registry office so be it, you can't put a price on love. Always been strong willed and alternative in my thinking, as long as there's a football theme (Leeds, of course!) good music, creativity in the planning/details that add inventiveness rather than in-yer-face stuff, light hearted banter and most importantly, a trustworthy, open minded, challenging but passionate man beside me it'd be a great day. Chips and veggie lasagne all round, Bacardi by the barrel load. Sorted! Now where's this super man anyway????? Beam him up Scotty!!!!
Oh well.. back to reality

New Beginnings

2011-12-08T13:46:00.003Z

Since I last blogged, I became an Auntie to Jack Andrew, my brother's son, my cousin Bridie became a Mum to Joseph and I began workshop tutoring, concentrating on creative writing and volunteering with the Junction, a local arts centre.
I still live in an apartment, go to the gym regularly and continue to support Leeds United, attending matches with Dad. As I write it is cold, wet and windy, very gloomy and generally a miserable day. How strange then that I should strike upon inspiration on a day like this, for another blogging adventure.

I have enjoyed making Christmas cards and planning for my Christmas party at Mum and Dads (more room and Dad enjoys being the bar man!) but there's still a bit of a puzzling cloud over both my love life and my work ventures. The recession means that even if I were to continue beyond the PGCE with studying, there's no guarantee of a fixed, long term contract in teaching. I am lacking inspiration and direction. I have a few good friends and am getting more connected through my charity and voluntary work. Just need a breakthrough. So .. having reflected upon Granny Day yesterday, I think I should start a new blog experience, writing about Granny Day and my experiences with Jack.

Let me explain..

Granny Day was originally coined as an opportunity for my future sister in law, Sarah, (they're getting married next year) to have a break from Jack as she has chosen to stay at home. Every Wednesday Mum and her Mother take it in turns to have Jack from lunchtime to late evening, feeding, changing, entertaining him then giving him a bath, getting him ready for bed before taking him back late evening to settle in his cot. The last few months however, Mum has been very busy with RSPCA voluntary work and is always busy anyway, she may be a granny but if you took a look at her average day, let alone her average week, you would see that she is definitely not anywhere near ready for a hot cocoa, slippers and knitting afternoon! Shoulder problems also mean that Jack is a challenge for Mum, he was 8lb 11 when he was born and is continuing to grow and become heavier, I go to the gym three times a week but even I struggle. Neither of us are the biggest women on the planet! So it is nice just to have someone else around if he is getting ratty or the phone goes off or perhaps someone needs Mum urgently and someone needs to hold the baby while she deals with something or other.

Most of my friends now are either married, in long term relationships, got children or having children,there are family members with plenty of young children - My youngest cousin is 4, her twentysomething sister has a little girl, two very good friends both have children, one of which I've pretty much seen most weeks since she arrived in the world. I don't pretend to be an expert, nor do I think becoming a god parent and Auntie gives me the right to preach. I do think it would be interesting however to share my thoughts and experiences.

Jack is lovely, he laughs at my dirty laugh, enjoys playing with lots of toys, loves music and will grab anything and everything, even if it is your designer glasses or the precious Iphone! Blond, blue eyed, an infectious smile, disgusting smells reek from his nappy and enjoys meal times so much he has to splatter it anywhere and everywhere except his mouth..d'oh! Jack can hold a spoon to sort of feed himself and will hold your hand when you give him a bottle. He screamed last night because on and off he's struggled with teething. Dad being Dad (never let us stay in the same room when we were small as he couldn't handle the screaming or crying) kept grumping at me to get on with it when I couldn't find Jack's dummy. Bearing in mind I wear digital hearing aids which enhance the nearest sound (i.e. Jack's screaming) if anyone was entitled to feel flustered and pained by the noise, it was me, ironically I was as cool as a cucumber and just told them to leave me to it. Eventually he was settled.

People say I would make a good Mum, but its always different when you consider I can give Jack back. I am not so sure I would be willing to give up the gym and the football, not so sure I'd be so happy to cart him off to Mum or a mum in law just because I couldn't get around Tescos with him grabbing things (it'd be a learning experience I'd love to take him to the supermarket just to annoy people ha ha) and as for wanting tea elsewhere well I'm a food tyrant and being a veggie food isn't always easy, so I'd rather make a hash of it trying my own way, than having to spend money on takeaway because I'm knackered.

Yet... if you find the right man worth suffering for, who is not perfect but as near as you can possibly get and will tolerate possibly being ousted by a screaming bundle of sick and poo then maybe I will join this expanding band of Peppa Pig devotees and cast aside my Milan inspired clobber for Mothercare!

At 28 going on 29 and still single, I am proud to say I have the best of both worlds right now, I can find my inner child with Jack, but do all the grown up things when I take him back. Who knows what 2012 holds for me...

So every time I have a granny day, which has now become granny and auntie day, I shall try to write about it.

A poem

2010-08-18T19:55:00.001+01:00

Georgina Jane Petty 18 August at 19:54
It feels so good

It feels so good that I am not alone
It's like throwing a dog a bone
I know he is coming home
It feels so good to know people care
That others are aware
I can declare
Exactly how I feel
It seems so unreal
There goes fate's wheel - this is the real deal!
I know this is the time
To sparkle like fine wine
A line
Is drawn between past and now
All these years I have waited
Contemplated
Lie awake frustrated
Those visions of mine
All combine
To give me a sign
All is well
As far as I can tell
Doubt is dealt the death knell
Poetry flows free and wild
All will be reconciled
An innocent child
Haunts my thoughts
Makes me feel out of sorts
Those Leeds United shorts
Those eyes
Do not tell lies
It is not hard to see the ties
That bind my heart
Where to start
All logic blown apart
All rules broken
Not a word spoken
One love token
Is all it takes
It gives me the shakes
A simple deed
If it does succeed
Should I beg? Can I plead?
Go back home Alan you are welcome here
All those memories you hold dear
It is crystal clear
They never left your heart either
This is the decider
Open the door wider
See what lies ahead
Is the dream dead?
Or do you see a marriage bed?
It feels so good
I know you would
If you could
So can you do it now?
Fate, take a bow
I hear you say, how?
Just go for it
Seek it
Believe it
For this is the first step in the rest of your life
I am more than a footballer's wife
I am sharper than the surgeon's knife
I know you better than I know myself
I do not wish to be on the shelf
I do not wish for ridiculous wealth
It feels so good just to be near you again
Life will never be the same
Material gain is not my aim
Pinned broken leg, smashed face, peroxide hair, dodgy ankle you're quite the catch
You're from a unique batch
Game set, and match
Do what you have to do but don't be afraid
You could not have stayed
Yet there is still a debt to be paid.....

The Girl Who Waited

2010-06-28T20:24:00.000+01:00

The girl who waited
She became frustrated
Felt her soul being stripped naked
It was so often stated

That her time would come
That he was the one
That she would not have to wait long
That all hope was not gone
That a move was still on
That patience was a virtue
That she would be given a sign, a clue
That she would know what to do
That love would shine through

Were the rumours correct?
What could she expect?
This seriously was challenging her intellect!
The girl who waited long into the night
The girl who held her photographs tight
Right across her heart
It tore her apart

The girl who waited with a tear in her eye
That last goodbye
Etched in the memory like a hellish headache that failed to diminish with time
The girl who struggled to draw a line
Between the past, present and future twisting and turning like a knife
Could she cut it as a footballer's wife?
Could she forgive and forget?
Could he give her the chance she craved?
Could their relationship have been saved?
Could he do what was right?

The girl who waited dressed in white
The girl who waited with love burning bright
The girl who waited can see the light
The girl who waited shall wait no more
The girl who waited can hear the door
The girl who waited will turn the key
Reality or fantasy
Time is a healer
He may be a crowd pleaser
But to her he is her world, her life, her all
Finally, he will answer her call

Is This The Moment?

2010-04-03T23:06:00.002+01:00

Well, my brother and his girlfriend have got engaged. They've not been together a year yet, she moved in with him pretty quickly and only a few days ago there were whispers of an engagement. I do feel really happy for them but deep down inside I feel rather empty and quite depressed. Am I ever going to reunite with Mr Right? I know I've found him, I know I've seen him, I know I love him, but does he love me? It's driving me mad, eating away at my brain in the feverish manner that a woodpecker monotonously drills away mercilessly at tree bark. I need to know. On the one side, the attention's all on my brother, so I'm free to reflect, take stock and do what I have to do, without any false pretentions, pressures or any hint of a glaring spotlight being directed at me any time soon. So I better make the most of 'now!'

I am pretty fed up and de-motivated as far as work goes, but on another level, I really enjoy being creative with my work and trying out new ideas as part of research or demonstrating my professional development. The trouble is, it's not enough, it doesn't 'light the blue touch paper' so to speak. I have do more writing like this to get the fire stoked up once more and find that so far elusive platform upon which to shine and beam down on the world. At the moment, I feel like an enthusiastic fish gasping for breath, struggling to get back into the water.

For now I've just got to calm down, keep my wits about me and enjoy what's left of the Easter break. Two more modules to go and I'm done with the PGCE, shame I've got two observations and Ofsted to contend with in between completing assignments but heyho!!!
Onwards and upwards???

A Letter to a Leeds Boy......

2010-02-23T20:28:00.002Z

"Teaching life skills tomorrow; how to keep personal belongings safe at home and when out and about and organising a trip to Goole Fire Station. I'd much rather be writing a gossip column or debating transfer speculation but I am sure one day Mr Right will wake up, smell the coffee and offer me more thrills than the cliffhanger at the end of a Desperate Housewives episode! I know who he is, I know he's 'it' unfortunately I think he's deaf and blind to the whole thing but it's better to have loced and lost than never to have loved at all. If the best things come in small packages then I think it's about time someone claimed the parcel and unwrapped some fun!
Anyway, enough larking around, have a fab week and make friends with your razor again, its desperate for a close encounter!!!"

One friend reckons I am barking mad, the other thinks I'm bold but certainly not batty. There's even the suggestion of writing my own gossip column under a false name. Hmmm You decide!!!!!!

Christmas Contemplations

2009-12-27T13:02:00.002Z

Since I last updated this blog, I have moved into an apartment, acquired a life skills group and found a furry friend for life in the form of my brother's dog Teddy. It has been an eventful year, edging closer to completing my part time PGCE, enjoying new found freedom in a spacious and inviting apartment overlooking the hustle and bustle of everyday town life, my brother has a new girlfriend with whom he now shares his abode and a good friend has been sharing her wedding plans for next year with my good jolly self.

Time goes far too fast, like a runaway train, we catch a glimpse in our mind's eye of what's to come, but struggle to intervene before it's too late. Deal or No Deal, herbal tea, going all misty eyed and sentimental over old football snippets and clips and turning into Rod Stewart's rusty old larynx after 90 odd minutes of frustrating, frantic festive football fun at Elland Road, I love Christmas. Cheery chandles in the dusk, ridiculous reams of repeats, Wallace and Gromit for the millionth time still raises a smile, family time makes you realise that you haven't felt so good in a while. OOh that rhymes! A Westwood badge to brighten the battered blouse, sickly scented smellies so sweet and sexy, Boofle the cuddly dog dares you to delight in your childhood once more, an upcoming visit by Grandad Grandma and Auntie means hugs and kisses to endure, but presents galore?!

Face book and iPhone snaps capture the mood, moment and madness of the season through chatter, comments and close ups too soon a confused blur. Doctor Who ends so abruptly you're gutted it didn't carry on the rest of the day - damnations time to put the Christmas clutter away - wrapping paper scratched and scrunched by naughty kittens and eager men with the spirit of boyhood jumping up and down merrily in their brains, colourful sweet wrappers dancing across the floor more brightly than Dad's complexion tinted by one too many whiskies......soon it'll all fade away to hark to new challenges; word counts, session plans and appendices galore, assignments the top chore.

2010 promises plenty but life is what you make it, seize the day, don't say "tomorrow.." say "hello today!" Reflect on the past but embrace the present, enjoy the last few days of 2009 like they are your last, I for one, am determined to have a blast!!!

Insomnia Insanity

2009-03-28T23:27:00.002Z

I'm struggling to sleep. So much on my mind. Off to Edinburgh in the Easter holidays with an old friend and a couple of her male friends on a last minute deal. Looking forward to it but it's suddenly made me panic about deadlines, work to catch up on or finish before I go away......I am making progress and there's the 'carrot' of cocktails and street entertainments to bite eagerly...just wish I wasn't so damned good at getting my knickers in a twist about assignments that I'm clearly capable of completing I just get these nagging doubts or procrastinate unnecessarily!
With an observation coming up next week, the trials and tribulations of helping my brother pick a rescue dog and attempting to reignite my love of the gym now I'm (hopefully!) over the viruses, colds, coughs and general ailments that have blighted my sunny outlook on life.

As for Leeds - Wembley awaits......with baited breath.. (The less said about Mr Smith's woes at Newcastle the better. It feels like the Man U situation all over again i.e. 'I told you so' syndrome strikes again!!! ;-)

Finally getting to grips with oneself?

2009-03-26T09:52:00.002Z

I have been struggling with ill health in recent weeks, had a horrible viral infection, troublesome learners and a few tutor spats I was stuck in the middle of.......
But, slowly but surely I seem to be coming out of this a stronger person. I'm learning to stick up for myself, ignore the doom mongers and do what I want to do. I no longer feel shackled by listening to or heeding the advice of hearsay or gossipmongers I am being more honest and upfront about my feelings. I know I have to stay calm and strong at work and show people just what I'm made of, I CAN do this. I know Mr Right, I've met him, let him slip through my fingers but I'll see him again soon if I just sit back and let career take centre stage whilst things brew away...
The key is not to panic, do things because I believe in it and I want to do it, rather than plod on to the point of insanity. Too often I work until very late at night or stay up to an unearthly hour either watching mindless TV or churning over and over the negatives or nagging doubts in my head.
I have raised over £190 for Comic Relief dressed as a clown for the week, gained good marks in my Module 1 assignment, had positive feedback by and large, from my learners. I am going places, I just have to keep believing in myself.

Onwards and upwards!!!

P.S. How brilliant was the Apprentice last night?! Already got people bitching, backstabbing and bruised!!!!!!

Quietly confident.........

2009-02-22T18:31:00.002Z

Today has been a really relaxing, reflective day. I have painted two acryllic paintings, one is for a friend who is moving house soon, the other is just a general one for my present cupboard. I've made a coffee traybake for a class I volunteer with tomorrow, since the tutor is leaving soon. Chatted to Grandma, Auntie Alison, various friends and family on facebook, it's been quite leisurely on the one hand but fairly productive in the process. In addition I've tidied up, sorted things out for next week's sessions, organised last minute arrangements for tomorrow night's trip to Sheffield Arena to see the Kaiser Chiefs - I predict a riot!! It's all good...

Watched Smudger play fifteen minutes of football for Newcastle - hopefully it's onwards and upwards for him now. Rounds off a decent weekend for me as Leeds got back on track by winning 2-0 yesterday. The rest of the day I'll just finish off reading through PGCE related paperwork/notes, check things for classes tomorrow, seek out an outfit for the concert then watch TV.

Marching on Together! :-)

Friendships and Other Things...

2009-02-16T20:54:00.004Z

Since I last blogged I've almost lost my marbles being snowed under with work, had a brief Christmas break with family in Dorset, taken in the sights of London for a weekend break (The National Art Gallery, Nelson's Column, Covent Garden street performers, a fantastic Rowan Atkinson as Fagin in Oliver, a rousing version of Joseph - Dean Collinson's Pharoah is fab..indulged in Selfridges, Fortnum and Masons..I could go on!!) A whistle stop tour of London watching Chelski vs Hull (tiring but very entertaining! No wonder Big Phil got sacked...threw everything but the kitchen sink at the game at the death and nothing was happening..tsk!) rounded off with Grandad and Grandma staying for a few days this week.

It's been crazy. In a nutshell. But as I often say, I'd rather be busy than bored. The last month or so has has made me reflect, as has today, looking around my room with my grandparents showing them my photographs, memorabilia and general bits and pieces. Life might not be perfect but I've come a long way and I have so much more yet to give. Having had good feedback from Uni regarding observations and assignments and support from the learners, has boosted my confidence in recent weeks. I can do this, I can step up and challenge myself further.

The only negatives of this surge in confidence has been the realisation that I need to make some sweeping changes. At the time they may seem painful, but long term, it's for the best. For some weeks a friend of mine has leaned quite heavily on me for support and guidance, partly because she has no one else to turn to and mainly because I have allowed her to. Her dyspraxia has obviously meant I've had to tread with caution and attempt to provide a sympathetic ear when with anyone else, I probably should have administered tough love. On the other hand, she has listened to me alot and been there when I needed her, telling it like it is.

But sometimes, like all relationships and indeed in this case, good friendships, you have to let go and start afresh. Joining facebook and getting back in touch with an old school friend through my brother going on casual dates with her, hit the nail on the head. I needed to get out more, explore, stretch myself. I couldn't go on torturing myself just because my friend didn't have a job, felt even more negative about her lack of love life than I did and despite my best efforts, didn't seem to take any advice she asked for. So after a bit of a tense exchange a couple of nights ago, it was mutually agreed we should just let each other do whatever we want to do for a bit and see what happens. We are two different people. Whatever, I say, we seem to be going around in circles with regards to certain issues and it just wasn't helping things. It's funny how today I woke up feeling refreshed and I've got so much more done. She is and will always be one of my closest friends but I think it is good to freshen things up before it gets all stale and bitter.

On a positive note, I have been getting to know Miles, a Newcastle based journalist who reports on Newcastle United, enjoying banter about Leeds and Smudger. I don't see him as a romantic interest but it's just good to have a likeminded, educated soul to talk to. Of course, it helps that he quite likes Smudger as well. I am hoping, with regards to Mr Smith, now my friend is in the background a little more, I will manage to garner the courage to either go to a game or get the communication lines going again in some way. The only way is up!!! :-)

Thinking about the year......and what's ahead

2008-12-24T08:40:00.002Z

Well it's almost the end of the year (already! - Where did the time go?!) Since I last wrote I got tickets to watch Deal or No Deal at Bristol (fantastic, surreal experience!) and bumped into Noel Edmonds on the way out (it's true!) got a pic with him, me and my bro which has been doing the rounds on his facebook! Enjoyed Christmas dinners with work, RSPCA, a meet up with pals playing games and gossipping then a pre Xmas eve party with family friends last night playing saucy charades, Family Fortunes,generally having a good ol' laugh.

Looking forward to seeing Leeds vs Leicester on Boxing Day, been eyeing up the huge mound of presents under the Christmas tree, going south the day after Boxing Day, there's plenty of things to look forward to. Although I felt emotional on the last day of term and it was weird University finishing for Christmas a little earlier than planned due to tutor illness, it has been a welcome break. I've re-evaluated a few things and realised I have to slow down and allow more "me" time rather than trying to please everyone all the time and running around like a headless chicken attempting to be wonderwoman.

So here's my top six moments of 2009:-

1. Meeting Noel Edmonds/going to Deal or No Deal. Priceless.
2. Coldplay at the end of November. Awesome, stirring stuff.
3. Being able to take on more classes this term and being praised in an observation for my rapport with the learners. No easy feat given the spectrum of characters, ability levels and attitudes in the class!
4. Realising that I can do it - getting my PGCE under way and doing well with it.
5. Paris. Some great memories. Seeing the Eiffel Tower and the Louvre for real was a spinetingling moment.
6. Getting signed photos from Smudge and enjoying texting banter with one of the Newcy staff on a regular basis.

I won't bother with 'lowlights' because that would be too negative. Frankly there's only one contender and that's the "shingles" and generally working myself to a frazzle on far too many occasions. So onwards and upwards folks!!!

Just a quiet Christmas with family up ahead, followed by a visit down south to visit Mum's side of the family then taking in 2009 at the local pub with Dad, possibly my bro and our mutual friend Mark. If I could wish for anything in 2009 it would be to meet up with Alan and go watch him play again, hopefully injury free and happier than he has been at times in 2008.

A merry christmas to you all and all the best for 2009!! :-)

It's Been A While..

2008-11-10T22:06:00.002Z

Since I last posted on here I received another signed photo from Smudger, had shingles on and off for the last three weeks, had a bad cold and struggled with work/life balance without going completely crazy. The arrival of the Wii Fit, much needed soul searching and a pay rise have seen me get back on track slightly in the last few days.

If there's one thing I've learnt since the start of term, it's this. You can't be all things to all men. Sometimes, with the best will in the world, lesson plans won't get much further than just that, a plan, other times, the words and phrases are dancing back and forth from tutor to learner like a melodic tune. As long as I'm having fun, usually, most of the learners are, but if I press the wrong button or slam the brakes on too late, it can be a bit of a car crash. I'm pretty hard on myself alot of the time and I've maybe bitten off more than I can chew at times with bulldozing through assignment tasks or homeworks for University. Just need to take stock, like I did to today, reading the poem 'In Flanders Fields' with the learners and discussing the past, realising that life's too short to be oh so serious.

I've got a presentation coming up this week, an observation in a couple of weeks. The last thing I need right now is stress. So tomorrow I'm going to kick back, relax and enjoy the beauticians at 2pm. I'm no use to anyone if I'm in a panicking pickle!!

Onwards and upwards people, here's to a fab week ahead :-)

P.S. No I'm still single and yes, I still think about Mr Peroxide. I know, how many years has it been now?! Some things never EVER change. Or do they?????

Positive Thinking

2008-09-08T16:26:00.002+01:00

It Doesn't Matter

It doesn't matter what happened before
Even though the pain is still raw
It doesn't matter I can't sleep at night
Even though I feel like giving up the fight
It doesn't matter what others think
Even though it can make my heart sink
It doesn't matter that we don't speak
Even though the stifling silence makes me weak
It doesn't matter you're not near enough to hold
Even though I feel icy cold

It matters that we give each other time and space
To find a more positive place
In our hearts and minds again
It doesn't matter when, where, why, what or how
Just look to the future now

Busy planning my Dad's 50th party, got around 50 people coming for the 'do next month, in addition to getting ready to teaching two Learning Disabled classes (Publishing a Newsletter class and a Readers Circle) and hopefully, numbers permitting, another 10wks of Creative Writing. I also successfully applied for a part time PGCE for the Life Long Learning Sector, at Hull University, which I start the same week as my teaching commitments, which should be fun!

In between I have been going to the gym, taking in Paris (wonderful - the Louvre, Palace of Versailles and climbing part of the Eiffel Tower were just a few of many highlights, good weather, nice company, it was very cultured and colourful - definitely recommend it) and organising adverts/editorials for Goole and District RSPCA. On the love life front there's not much to report other than I'm biding my time and concentrating on work.

Looking forward to going to a friend's engagement party next week, my cousin Josh's belated birthday party meal and meeting up with the quiz friends to put together this week's quiz - about time we had a crack at it! Won it three times now!! YAY!! We've put together fifteen questions each and we're going to whittle them down to the best ones for Thursday :-) So that should be a laugh!

Bye for now, hope to blog again soon :-)

What's going to happen?

2008-07-19T21:43:00.000+01:00

Words

Are they enough?
A diamond in the rough
A little edgy, ground down
Something of a northern clown
I don't know quite what it is about you
But somehow you inspire all that I do
You might not realise it and I might not say it quite right
Yet through the darkness there is light
A glimmer of peroxide
Something died
When you went to that dreaded place
What happened was a disgrace
Older, wiser, I don't know
A heavy blow

Time stops for no man
Every year gets tougher for the die hard Leeds fan
Words cannot heal
The pain that I feel
Words cannot share
The despair
Words cannot hide
The feelings I denied
Words aren't enough for me
But they might help you to see

Help is out there if you seek it
Don't stare into a lonely bottomless pit
Look up to the sky and its limitless power
Life can be like a beautiful flower
If you can look beyond the gloom
Maybe you'll see it in full bloom
Words are weighted with actions
I know you've got far too many distractions

But focus just a second and see
There's an opportunity
To turn the tide
Get back on side
Life is short
The ball is in your court

Feeling Emotional!

2008-07-10T20:13:00.002+01:00

Last session of the Creative Writing course until September today, it really blew me away! (ooh that rhymes) The learners brought me a cake, home made thankyou cards and clubbed together for a beauticians voucher. They were all so lovely and appreciative, it really made my day, my week in fact! I just don't know what to say. The poem by one of my learners, Jackie, which she surprised me with today, sums the whole experience up rather well...

"To Georgina"

Hey! It's creative writing time, so it must be Thursday.
"There's Betty reminiscing about "Aah Mae"
Sarah's in deep thought as she gives her hair a quick twiddle
Angela delights us with a new riddle

Mikes stories always give us a giggle
Caroline rushes on her bike and sometimes comes in with a fluster
Gil knows his rhymes from his novels
Jacke is hoping to write the next blockbuster

Oh! What will Georgina say?
Will she take it on the chin?
Now we all wait for the lesson to begin
Everyone stops and gasps!!

As Georgina picks up the bag for teh mystery task
What will it be?
We will have to wait and see
"Minimum of two pages please she will say"

So just one thing left to say is "Thankyou we will all miss you"
But remember....
We will see you in September!

Thinking Time

2008-06-30T16:10:00.003+01:00

I've had a lot of thinking time, having spent the last eight weeks or so doing half of my formal adult education teaching qualification, continuing to support three learning disabled groups voluntarily and teaching creative writing; all of which have been immensely life enhancing and entertaining in different ways. Everyone has been so supportive and friendly towards me, it's encouraged me to accept three classes (all paid!) in September; my own Beginner Readers class, a brand new venture of teaching a Publishing and Reporting group for the Learning Disabled to encourage them to brush up on 'Writing For Meaning' and Literacy skills as well as a Creative Writing group along the same lines as I'm teaching now.

My birthday was lovely but as the months ticked by it dawned on me that the year of 25 was shaping up to be the year of drastic change, I'm no longer content with just typing away on the computer and watching Deal or No Deal with Mum and Dad. I resolved to save up and look into other employment opportunities between my Adult Education work to supplement my earnings and make it more feasible in the long term, to move out and reclaim the youthful exuberance that I once displayed at University with no more to worry about than an irritating spot or being a penny short for the £1 bus back to the Lawns in Cottingham.

I've made friends with fellow trainee tutors which include Polish girls, a rather shy but very nice blond Latvian, an overworked care worker Romanian girl with a wannabe poet husband and rediscovered my love for dance and nights out by going to a Salsa night and lapping up the role of joker and fashion guru at a 70th and Golden Wedding Anniversary in Dorset - it was a scream, bitching about Ronaldo, rabbiting on about "when Trinny and Susannah snuff it I'm taking their job!" and all the rest of it, just got back and I'm firing on all cylinders, all sorts of thoughts are filling my head, ready to explode with excitement, planning to sell some of my home made cards, thinking of painting some more intriguing canvases to 'flog' I adored the Apprentice - as Lee said, 'Now that's what I'm talkin' about!!" and still like Dragon's Den, I think I fancy myself as the next Peter Jones, the female version of course! (IN MY DREAMS!)

As for a certain Mr Smith. Lets just say we are slowly mending bridges and I'm confident that our friendship has got bouncebackeability, to coin an old phrase! Leeds well, they just weren't good enough and Bates has alot of grovelling to do after putting the season tickets up. Onwards and upwards folks.......!!

I'll leave you with this thought provoking poem...Given what has been happening in Iraq and Afghanistan as well as at home with the knife killings, stumbling across an old poem I wrote whilst at University almost five years ago seems to me more poignant than ever.

Time

Time stops for no man
Neither the irate football fan
Nor the young lad in the trenches
Or even the soon to be parted lovers hugging passionately, on one of the local park benches
Life is too short we have to enjoy and embrace every passing hour
There is no time for the grave's weeping flower

Once beautiful red and orange like th setting of the sun in the sky
Now it is slowly perishing as a mother looks on and asks why
Time is relentless, cruel and swift
Rach second for the sick and opeless is a gift
Don't worry about yesterday it's too late
Look forward and take up tha toffer of a date

Listen to your heart not just your head
Share your problems, it halves the time
Spent tossing and turning in bed

Love yourself, love your life, you have more than you think you do
Remember all this is true, even when you're sad and blue
Time can also be a healer if you give it a chance
Go out, forget your troubles and have a dance

The boy in your class might like you too
Take a chance and rest our mind, maybe hide away and wonder all day? (time's ticking so what are you going to do?)
Live life to the full and do what you will
For no matter how much you plead or cry, time will never stand still.

Twenty Five In A Few Days Time - Will I grow old alone?

2008-05-07T00:26:00.003+01:00

If I could....

If I could reach you I'd hold your hand tight
I would never let it go from morning til night
If I could tell you whats on my mind
Somehow all those loose ends would miraculously bind
If I could see you one more time at the car park
The world would not seem as dark
Light would radiate from your smile
I'd ring every single person on speed dial
Tell them that there is a God
That I'm no longer a miserable sod
Convince every cynic including myself
That you don't have to be on the shelf
There really is someone out there for every one
It really isn't a con
If I could tell you what my last thought is every night
How I cry myself to sleep and hold on tight
To memories I should have buried or filed under 'spam'
If I could say I don't give a damn
I'd be a complete idiot and a fraud
Sometimes I think you're bored
Of me rambling on and making empty promises here and there
If I could tell you just how much I care
I think I'd give you a heart attack with the shock
My emotions are in the dock
I'm guilty guv'nor I can't breathe
I chose to leave
I couldn't cope
I backed away when there was so much hope
My life line has been cut to a shred
Why the hell aren't you in my bed?
I wish I could be here with you tonight
Remember those days when I was as high as a kite?
Memories I cling on to very tight
I can't let them go as much as I should
I don't know if I could
If I could tell you whats in my heart
Never again would we be apart.

Beaten Black and Blue By The Thought of Smudger Moving Further North

2008-04-29T17:01:00.003+01:00

It's already week eight of Creative Writing, it's been a fantastic journey so far, I've been on a preparing to teach course for the last few Saturdays (not exactly joyous but needs must! won't bore you with the details) Every day is filled with either creating handouts, marking work, laminating Mystery Bag instructions, helping Learning Disabled groups, RSPCA advertising and fostering work or sweating it out down the gym - I'm a busy bee and I've been buzzing here there and everywhere. Unfortunately, with the highs, comes some crashing lows, no more so than today. I sent this to a couple of sites after chewing over Smudger's future as his isn't looking as blooming as mine at present....

I felt pretty downcast as I glanced at old photos of Alan Smith and myself on my iPod, it seems only yesterday that my Dad ushered me away from the last game of the season back in the dark days of the relegation from the Premiership. Every man and his dog, quite literally, wanted a piece of Smithy. I just stood there, dumbstruck, shocked that he really was leaving Leeds. Years later, the happiness of Leeds finally getting on the right track and hopefully getting promoted from League One is tainted by the tragedy that is Smudger's career post United.

Allardyce (probably) had something dodgy in his matchday pies with the way he kept dragging Smudger back into midfield mediocrity, that was painful enough to watch, then Keegan gave him just a few games to try and turn it around and it was quite blatant by then that Smudger had lost any spark or hope of resurrection. Some might say he was just narky rather than sparked up but hey that's another argument altogether.

It feels like whatever this guy does, he just can't do enough or shake off the "Leeds thug" or "waste of money misfit" tags that weigh heavy round his neck like a millstone. Okay he's gobby and he's not exactly prolific but there are so many mitigating reasons for it that I've mentioned in the mailbox before. I've always said if you don't believe in yourself (judging by the looks on his face he's losing the swagger of arrogance people used to mock him for, he's a shadow of his former banana haired self) then how can anyone believe in you and perhaps that's what he's suffering from a bit.

It's alright saying hey he's got 60k a week collecting splinters on the bench but this is not a person who plays for pennies, he plays for pride. Going to Rangers will just put yet another nail in the coffin of the career of a lad who literally had an unlucky break and never should have got to the point where he had to leave a club with so much potential (again, that's another story) Keegan praises his commitment to the cause and says that he trains hard and doesn't complain, but that's not really enough, it's almost a slap in the face, as if to say whatever you do my old son, you're a nice kid and all that but you're just not my cup of tea and I haven't got the bottle to ship you off...

Why do I get that terrible sinking feeling like I did in his last few months at Manchester United. The piecees don't fit anymore unless fairies and toadstools started sprouting in my garden and Leeds United somehow got him back (Like THAT'D ever happen)

Later I started marking my Creative Writing work and I read this lovely heartwarming poem I read as part of marking the work for Thursday. I thought it was so good I felt I had to forward it to the local press and see if they will print it as part of the letters page. I hope I don't embarrass her but it's really nice, considering she's not the world's greatest speller by her own admission and a little shy with giving her opinions, it's really enjoyable to read!

This poem is based on a photograph of my late grandfather, Jack;

In a distant time, in a distant place
Into a camera a man did stare.
A confident, friendly look on that face
Bright clear eyes, clear of brow and dark of hair
With his eyes looking forward from the past
Upon his face a knowing smile. Did it seem
That all his future was within his grasp
Or, perhaps, of his future did he dream.
So upon this picture we now look
Momemt of time caught for eternity
A moment in life, a page in a book,
A simple picture a lasting memory
Think upon these things just once more.
Gently replace this picture in the drawer

A thoughtful end to my blog, I hope you'll agree. Might squeeze in a bit of time to watch Midsomer Murders in a moment!

Mysteries To Be Unravelled....

2008-03-29T12:28:00.001Z

I don't know about you but I have always felt a bit nervous about being huggy/kissy with relations. Mum went up to me and hugged me today and was trying to be all sort of mumsy on me. Thing is I am more like that with members of the opposite sex than with relations. I just feel awkward as I've never really liked it. I remember dreading playing Postman's Knock as a kid, I always insisted on a polite hug and that'd be that. I feel that I don't need to be all huggy with my parents, I display affection though having a laugh with them watching TV or joking about football, I see them as extended friends rather than in a sentimental kind of way. Stuart's just the same, he gets embarrassed too.
More recently though, I think my problem is the last person who properly hugged me was Alan. So anybody who gets within an inch of my shoulders or dares to put a hand on it is going to get a rather frosty reception.

But I'm feeling okay today, I've read almost half of "Two Caravans" about a Ukranian girl embroiled in various different scandals, secrets and salacious goings on at a strawberry picking farm and how the two caravans - one with women of various different backgrounds - a poster of the Black Widow of Kracow and a topless David Beckham sums it up nicely(!) and the other with men who are quite naive and silly but with sad stories to tell - From Andriy the wannabe poet to Tomacz who dreams of "Anglishk" girls and another who lost his father down the mines......it's a ripping yarn, dodgy gangster types, overweight foreign women, fishy farmer mowed down by irate wife who two times him with one of the naive strawberrypickers who mistakes her Honda for a Ferrari...a very pleasant way to spend one's morning.

Oh and yes I should mention a representative of Newcastle United texted me out of the blue a day or so ago (lord knows why or how they got my number) and said that they are sending a "new" picture of Alan for me and said he's "still top man" Riiiight. Quite what I've done to be singled out for such special treatment will hopefully become clearer in the next few days. Emailing the club, writing to Alan to offer support and generally sticking up for him in whatever way possible may have something to do with it?!

Roll on the rest of Saturday!

A Little Ray of Sunshine

2008-03-24T14:59:00.002Z

A Poem

Alan's coming today
Something's coming my way
The sun is shining it's a great day
What can I say
At times my heart was hardening like clay
My hands muddied with mascara wiping away
The tears that ran into the night I couldn't keep them at bay
There's not a single debt - emotional or financial -left to pay
Alan's coming today!

Didnt get up til almost 11am, spent last night talking about random stuff over Yahoo Messenger to my friend Alex and her boyfriend until nearly 4am(!) Dean and Emma came over as the Sky and TV was on the blink last night, it just seemed an endless wave of conversations about cars, money, jobs, tax man......I just felt like I was losing the will to live. I emailed and added events to Viking FM's site, written out info for the local newspaper claiming dates...boring mundane stuff really. I need something amazing to happen. Typing up and reading through my French notes and tidying my room isn't exactly the most exciting thing ever is it?

At least I'm going out shopping to York tomorrow. That should be a bit more stimulating. Coffee and Fox's biscuits aren't the best way of chippering one up is it? I need smoothies I need fun I need.........well...something different.

Poetic Reflections...

2008-03-22T15:12:00.002Z

Can you believe it's now the Easter break and next session will be 'Session Five' already!!! We have nine regulars and ten on the register, it's been a great laugh and although at times the marking, analysing and general setting up/organising/planning has been tiresome it's all worth it when you get glowing comments and lots of supportive feedback from the Centre. I'm really enjoying the challenge and in some ways it's annoying that we have two weeks off - it keeps me focused on the week ahead! But don't worry I still have people's work to mark, a Poetry Mystery Bag to organise not to mention banking all £105 of my Sports Relief money, sending off the cheque and FINALLY organising my ISA next week (with luck) No rest for the wicked as they say. Below is a poem I wrote using the 'six words to describe..' method and brainstorming ideas on a wooden horse on a keyring(!) to show the class what you can do :-)

I Saw Her At The Funfair
Monday night it’s throwing it down
Going out to the funfair in this weather..I must be a clown!
Hailstones start to dart around like icy arrows dancing in the winter air
Looking between the gaping holes in the tatty turquoise entrance tent I suddenly stop
Beneath the battered blue sign that says “Harry’s Hotdogs Here”
Is someone rather queer

Some dark haired girl about sixteen or eighteen I don’t know
She looks a shifty so and so
Dark hair sticking to her face like black tar
Can just about make out beady eyes flashing in the light
Watching me like a bewitched cat, desire burning bright
I try to reach out to her, she looks lost in thought
In her strange little tangled black web of magic I am caught
(Why does she stare?)
Something there..

Not in her apricot cheeks turning crimson with the cold
Nor in her queenly earrings of smouldering gold
Is she a gypsy girl cursed?
My heart is about to burst
What is that beneath my foot?
Suddenly..squelch crunch I hear
Maybe it’s just a plastic cup with the remnants of dodgy beer
I look down and see something orange and green
Is it a present from my unearthly gypsy queen?
Painted with orange, yellow, green and cream
I pick it up, it’s a tiny plastic horse – to own a real racing champion has always been my dream

Perhaps this is a lucky charm
I t can’t do me any harm
Stick it in my pocket and look up to see
Silly me

The black beauty has bolted from sight
That vision that got me as high as a kite
Was it real?
Whatever the deal
This little horse whether it’s from this world or another
I will cling to it like a loving brother

A Thoughtful Poem...

2008-03-02T16:26:00.000Z

I could never stop loving you
There's just something about you that holds true
The smile on your face
Sends me to a distant place
Where everything is sunny and nothing else matters
When the dreams are in tatters
Somehow you give me the strength to stick it back together
Abandon you? - Never!

You look like a fish
Not everyone's favourite dish
Leeds' relegation shook our lives to the core
But in the end it taught me that its you I adore
Captain Jack is a bit of alright
Johnny Depp is a pretty sight
Yet mere mention of Mr Bleach Boy
Makes me go all coy

Creative Writing gives me dough
But that's not really what I want though
Nice house with my family
Is not really where I want to be
Its you I need
Its making my heart bleed
Don't know what to say
We must meet up one day

Busy Bee Buzzing Around!

2008-02-29T17:17:00.002Z

Unfortunately I'm full of cold, caught the cold off my smelly scumbag Dad(!) I have been busy getting ready for next week's Creative Writing session which is more about trying different styles of Creative Writing and talking about how we would plan or structure our writing to generate better ideas.

Just printed off and designed some more posters for the RSPCA March Food Appeal for the bins we've got in various places, typed up an article about kittens and adopting one from the RSPCA for a local magazine and emailed another article to the RSPCA press officer to see if he could get in a national weekly magazine on pets....busy busy...

Of course there's always room for a mention of poor old Smithy. I have downloaded a few photos of him for my ipod (as you do) but there are some nice family ones on there as well...its kind of funny that he's ended up at a club that are so like Leeds its untrue..ie totally useless, overrated and quite frustrating, I think I ought to offer my services as a motivational coach (ahem ahem..) On a serious note I genuinely don't believe that he will go a season without scoring a goal whatever anyone might say and I would not be surprised if he scored a few goals to keep them up. He will be anxious not to do a "Leeds" after such a painful experience and as for Leeds....I think they need my services as well!!! Split loyalties eh!

Oh and I must give a mention to the fact that TEN people signed up for the Creative Writing course yesterday, it was absolutely brilliant, a buzz of activity, from talking about far away places to imaginative headspaces it was really intriguing and everyone had lots of curious things to discuss and reveal about themselves, tough lives, a passion for writing children's stories, itching to find something productive to do.....they appear to be a really enthusiastic and interesting group, like a bunch of gleaming marbles in lots of different colours all rolling in different directions, not knowing where they are going to land...it'll be interesting to see how the next few weeks go! I was so happy that it went well, you never know until you try these things.

Definitely onwards and upwards.....here's hoping the football side of things doesn't bring me back down to earth with a bump this weekend!

Heartfelt Postings......

2008-02-25T20:37:00.000Z

This is what I wrote to a Newcastle fanzine.

I am a lifelong Smudger fan, followed him since he broke through the youth team at Leeds, this is not the Alan I'm used to its rather painful to watch, hes hit rock bottom on confidence and needs someone to kick him up the bum - he fought to the bitter end for Leeds and gave it everything at Man U to try and get back from the broken leg but all he got in return was bit part roles and then the escape route to Newcastle offered him yet another ridiculous stint in midfield - Which he himself admits he doesn't enjoy as much....but by the time he got to play as a striker again it felt like and still feels like he's forgotten how to score.

Its depressing because Newcastle are in no way seeing the real Alan Smith. He's a great character and nothing like the on pitch persona off the pitch, anyone who's met him enough times as I have will tell you that. I'm as much disappointed for him as I am for the Newcastle fans who are feeling like what a waste of money. Its characters like Smudger that makes the greedy world of football a bit more real and I don't think for one minute he'll be going home at night thinking oh well I've got another 50 or 60k in the bank for that rubbish performance. Ferguson destroyed his confidence. Now we're just waiting for the final rites on his career unless a miracle happens.

Pretty Poetry

2008-02-22T22:36:00.002Z

I'm easily distracted and away with the fairies
Grab your dictionaries
Look up what lovesick means
Im going to spill the beans
Whatever it is I'm telling you now
The description fits me - crazy romantic cow!

Bull in a china shop charging around
The clock has been wound
Time is ticking loudly in my ear
Making it very clear
Something's going on and happening fast
Maybe this time it'll last
Who cares about acne or chipped nail varnish
Or even the fact that Mr Smith looks like a codfish?
I'm a happy bunny
Feeling rather sunny
Don't dent my hope
I won't be able to cope

Hook line and sinker I'm in rather deep
Can't sleep
Edgy and rather restless
I must confess
The boy with the bleach
Is within my reach
Don't have to do or say a thing
Staring at my white gold ring
Glistening like a bright star showing me the way
Tomorrow will be an intriguing day

Just A Little Ditty

2008-02-19T20:09:00.001Z

Smudged my mascara thinking of Smudger
Smudged my lipstick over that photo - suits you sir!
Smudger is on my Newcastle shirt drenched in sweat
Smudge Fudge Smudger or Smithy or just plain Smith whatever he's never far away
You can guarantee I'll be thinking of him every single day
Smudge is the nickname that seems to stick
Like the bittersweet memories that sometimes make me sick
Sometimes I'm drowning in a flood of jealous, posessive tears
Trawling the net to quell my fears
I can't SMUDGE over the fact
I am on the right track
Smudger is Mr Right and good news is in sight
One day I will see him again as a White

Don't Worry Be Happy....

2008-02-14T19:01:00.001Z

As the 2nd anniversary of my cousin's passing looms large there are several members of my family who are struggling to break free of their vicious circle of guilt, shame, sorrow and frustration in attempting in vain to move on and make sense of all that has come to pass in the last few years. This prompted me to write the following email to my Auntie, who is in the process of getting counselling for her deep rooted anxieties and bereavement issues:-

"Hi There

Just thought I'd share a few words of wisdom...

I firmly believe that whilst we cannot change the past we can certainly shape the future by learning from the past and building on it in a positive way.

Glen has achieved what many young lads his age will never get the chance to, just by being picked by Bournemouth for a trial, let alone a youth match or several opportunities is amazing. Just think of how many boys in his local area would kill for a chance.

Joe and Bridie are at University. Not everyone gets there, not everyone sticks at it. But they have.

You've brought another baby into the world and she gives you a chance to start afresh and look at the world in a whole new light.

Remember life is for living, not for existing. Do what you want to do, challenge yourself, laugh alot cry a bit and let it all out don't hold back just be yourself. If people don't like it they're not worth knowing

Take care"

Whilst Someone's Career is Marching On In To the Future, Another is Fading Fast?

2008-02-11T11:20:00.001Z

I held three taster sessions at Boothferry Adult Education last week and lots of people saw my article and photograph in the Courier advertising the event. I had a half decent response and have been pushing hard to try and get my boss to shake a feather and make a decision on whether a 10wk course can run, so I can get organised asap. Things are looking up, I'm not counting my chickens before they've hatched but he's had enough faith in me to allow me to organise, advertise and run the taster on my own so he must be quite pleased with my ambitions.

But then we are tempered by a rocky undercurrent, a fear of failure and the unknown with my love life and last but not least Smudger is on a serious freefall both emotionally and professionally. I wouldn't be so arrogant as to suggest I am his potential saviour but I could help him. He needs someone positive and strong willed. I thought he was those two things up until his last few years at Manchester United. It's a great pity. There's no quick fix for this but I think he should talk to me.
This is what I wrote to squarefootball, an irish football site, today:-

"Its very sad to watch Smudger at the moment he's a shadow of the man I got to know well on and off pitch at Leeds United as a teenager. He's a great character and better player than most people think he is. At Leeds he fought tooth and nail to try and claw us back to safety but even when it was abundantly clear to everyone we were going to sink into the footballing abyss he gave his all.
At Man U he was never truly given the opportunity to shine"

"I feel the last year or so at Man U and the square peg in round hole roles that Ferguson and Allardyce employed Smudger in have really eaten away at him. Now hes been given a few chances in his favoured position its like he's forgotten how to have fun or even find the back of the net, something he didn't have much problem with that many moons ago. And when he didn't score goals he was always providing for others."

"Its a great pity and whatever is blocking Smudger's path to success it needs to be shifted quickly."

New beginnings?

2008-02-01T17:00:00.001Z

Guess what! I joined the Goole book group and I cannot believe it, it was brilliant, we talked about books from "other worlds" I brought War and Peace and my book on Paris. We talked about war, religion, holidays, culture, where to go in Paris (apparently there is a museum, a small one, on Paris, which is worth seeing on Georges St or Georges Square cant remember which also theres an alternative art museum (name is in my book somewhere) which is meant to be much better than the Louvre but the Louvre is still worth seeing...we talked about a book on terrorism and the effects of 9/11 on a pakistani man living in America, opression, all sorts you would have relished it. I was so pleasantly suprised..

Top it all off with my mums friend Angela who was a teaching assistant at Rawcliffe Bridge, attending the class and not forgetting I brought along leaflets on my class, all six are definitely interested!!! Two cannot make the taster sessions but wanted me to tell Martin that the whole class would like me to do a kind of presentation to show them what the creative writing classes are like and they'd want to know more about it if the project gets off the ground so they can join...I was so pleased!!

There's a really lengthy piece in the Goole Courier today with my writeup and a nice photograph on the course and a photographer who has spent time in Africa doing charity work and living in the rainforest for 10mnths would like to know how to write a travel book about his experiences, so is coming along to the 2-3pm slot. Everyone has been so enthusiastic, helpful and supportive I've been pleasantly surprised this week. I was quietly positive about it but deep down I was worried that the idea would bomb with the kind of area Goole is...so fingers crossed interest translates into bums on seats next week!!

It is sleeting here and there's been violent winds all week so I am glad to finish the week on a high.

No Regrets...?

2008-01-27T10:55:00.000Z

Fresh from a long night of emailing and chatting about a certain person I felt I had to finally bite the bullet..

"Dear Alan
How are you feeling? Glad to see you put in a promising performance upfront against Arsenal, you deserved a goal! Keep working hard and you'll get there. I am deeply regretting sounding off about the News Of The World article last weekend. I'm in a much calmer mood now I've reflected on it and now I've been givcen the opportunity to host three Creative Writing 'Taster Sessions' (In Goole next month) I feel more hopeful about life. I'm aiming to try and kickstart a course much closer to home as I didn't get many for my Cottingham course. I'm not a quitter and I know everyone enjoyed last year's course. Its just the fees are a bit steep and Adult Education are rubbish at advertising so I've done all that myself and got my photo in the paper with a catchy article. So onwards and upwards..

I am genuinely sorry Alan, sorry for nagging, bugging you and generally being a pain. I had a rubbish week last week. Hopefully I will get a chance to put things right with you. You are everything to me. Take care x"

Ten Reasons Why I Need To Give Up The Smudger Lovin'

2008-01-27T01:34:00.000Z

1. If Alan really loved me he would've talked to me or got in touch somehow by now - only so long you can sulk/hide/make excuses

2. I'm losing my marbles

3. Its been a while since we've seen each other and his behaviour since has just knocked the total stuffing out my view of Alan

4.Its damaging my whole outlook on life and making me extremely mistrustful/cynical of anything and everything which is not good at all

5. I was fifteen when I met him, not all schoolgirl crushes are for real dontcha know

6. When things look really too good to be true, often they really are too good to be true

7. I would find it hard to put some of the past behind particularly Man U and I fear I would hold that against him in arguments

8. There's nothing worse than chasing a guy who isn't prepared to chase back

9. Why should a woman have to suffer just because her supposed Mr Right hasn't got his head screwed on or his manhood zipped in

10. Finally.....I'm worth more than being messed around with.

Can't Sleep....

2008-01-23T01:06:00.001Z

So I penned a quick poem... (as you do!!)

Love

Sometimes I just dont know how to show it
Its eating away at me bit by bit
The flames of passion are still there
Just a little cooled by the voices of despair
That fill my head chattering away
Wondering if its ever going to be "my day"
Maybe I'm too cynical and listen too much to others
Maybe Al and I should be friends not lovers
But I know how I feel deep down
I feel such a clown
Torn between reality and fantasy chomping at me
How I long to be free
I do want him to be mine
I just need a sign

Summing up today in poetic verse

2008-01-21T22:33:00.000Z

Posting a letter
Writing emails made me feel better
French was all about the weather
Still can't quite get my head together
Mum thinks I'm depressed about the Creative Writing
She has no idea what makes my heart sting
Its that fishgobbed idiot making me pale
Has my love for him gone stale?
Should I care?
This not knowing, this pain, this life at times..I cannot bear
Worked up a sweat exercising with dumbells watching TV
Its plain to see I need sex therapy
Alone and lost in my thoughts deep into the night
I really do need someone to hold me tight
I thought I knew who that person was but now I'm unsure
How much more do I have to endure?

Tomorrow I'm going to play Petanque ( a soft ball mini version of skittles) with the Learning Disabled group from Cornerstones cookery class, providing the weather's better than today! LOL...then I'll probably go to the gym then suddenly Tuesday flies by. I'm still very down about the Creative Writing and Alan but its nice that everyone is being complimentary about my new glasses and Mum couldn't get over me on the jogger last night - I spent almost forty five minutes hard graft pounding to James Morrison, John Barrowman, Madonna and the Arctic Monkeys (now that's what I call eclectic musical taste!!!!) I was redder than a beetroot, topped that off with green tea and a dose of late night emailing I was absolutely knackered this morning, didn't get up until 930 which is alot later than I intended..but never mind. Typed up a poster/flyer version of the spiel I used to send to the papers about my Creative Writing course and have decided to ask a few friends/associates to put them up in various places to see if it drums up a bit more local support. I really want to make something of my life and not keep wondering "what if" or lose my grip on things as I have done in the past with my love life and various other opportunities, I have to seize the day, seize the moment, whilst I'm motivated and fired up enough to do it before it is too late!!

Tainted Love

2008-01-20T10:48:00.000Z

This pretty much sums up the last few days. If you have seen the News of The World today you'll know what I'm on about. If you haven't, just google it.

Here is what I wrote to Alan.

Dear Alan I feel very down right now, I don't know about you. I've bought some lovely clothes, fancy Gucci glasses and hasd another article published on Sportingo.com, but I'm as miserable as sin.

My Creative Writing class had had to be cancelled as six wasn't enough learners. The class were surprised an disappointed. Being able to claim two hours pay isnt the point. The Leeds lost to Donny Rovers, to cap it all off a disgusting lowdown story about you in the News Of The World. If that "story" is true, then I can't really stomach supporting you anymore. Its not the first kiss and tell and it won't be the last if that's what you're really like.

What's happened to the polite, kind, smiley Alan (I thought) I knew? If it is true, you clearly have no standards and need to start acting like a 27 year old as opposed to an irresponsible, dirty little seventeen year old.

I'm saying this because I love you, I will always have feelings for you whether you are the arrogant twit the kiss 'n' tell makes you out to be, or the charming, nice guy my Mum thinks you are. But one thing's certain, you've let alot of people down if this is true, you're going to have to step up to the plate and prove that you are not letting fame and slappers ruin you.

Think very carefully Alan, I do not want to see you embroiled in such rubbish again, raise your game!

Georgina

Here's what I typed in an email to my friend Janine

Top Ten Thoughts Of The Day

1. What a nightmare weekend
2. What's going to happen to me
3. Why can't I pick myself up
4. Oh well the chips were nice yesterday
5. Maybe I should go down the pub and have a drink
6. Wonder if Alan EVER thinks of me, really, seriously..
7. His girlfriend should dump him (and I'm NOT replacing her)
8.God I'm tired
9. The only exciting thing is my dazzling yellowy green eye shadow that I'm wearing today...woooh
10. I wish Captain Jack was real then he could save the world and kick Alan's ass!

Why does it always rain on me?

2008-01-15T16:17:00.000Z

Its been grey and wet most of the day, its been crazy at Cornerstones the learning disabled place, cookie dough everywhere, shouting, screaming, heads banged bottoms slapped its all a bit raucous, ridiculous and all makes up for a red hot atmosphere of the wrong kind. But it was amusing to look back on. Ramblings, tablets forgotten to be taken by one two many learners, attention seeking, photocopying and enrolment forms adding to the doom and gloom...went to the gym which boosted me a bit but looking back at some not so distant past emails on the letters page of the football365.com site made me smile....Enjoy!

Smudger's Biggest Fan Is Back
Hull lost this week whilst my beloved Leeds won and Newcastle drew with Arsenal tonight. Top it all off with the shock revelation that Smudger played well. Yes, really. It does happen! A pretty good few days and there's a glimmer of hope of me getting tickets to see the Kaiser Chiefs at Elland Road. Get in!!!! Seriously I've been fed up of people slagging Smudger off, mocking the fact he's been played out of position and lacking a bit of pizazz to say the least as a consequence but he's back, snapping, snarling and it won't be long before he's scoring too, honest! (I can hear the whispers and muffled laughter oi oi!) Bring on the weekend...
Georgina 'Loving Smudger's skunk painted with custard hairstyle - so bonkers its almost brilliant' Jane

Come Back Smudger
Looks like the Grinch is wearing the No.17 shirt at Newcastle. Calm down Smudger, dear, have some of my calming green tea........Seriously though I feel for the Newcastle fans, you've got a bunch of misfits, under achievers and a manager who looks like he probably eats his big fat pay cheque as comfort food at half time if all the pies have gone.........

For whatever reason Smudger is no where near the player he should be, the defence is as much use as a chocolate fireguard and I have more life in my half dead gasping cactus plant in the frost than the mediocre midfield Newcastle have got. It's on a bit of a tightrope now..sack Allardyce and he'll be laughing all the way to the pie shop with a hefty pay off and no one will want the job, don't sack him and its boring, clueless, uninspiring football. Oh dear. The idea of being between a rock and a hard place definitely comes to mind with the Toothless Toon.

If you don't want Smudger, we quite like the dirty demented devil (even though some of us still think he's scum they'll soon change their mind) and would like him back. Call me mad but I don't think he's ever going to cut it for another team again unless pigs fly and Leeds get him back for a few years he scores a few decent goals and Leeds are back in the Prem. Hm. I wish.

This also made me think alot about Alan and the whole situation

http://www.journallive.co.uk/nufc/newcastle-united-news/2008/01/12/passion-will-not-leave-with-sam-61634-20342141/

Ranting, Raving and Rubbish

2008-01-14T12:01:00.000Z

Tidying up, sorting out RSPCA stuff and general chores did nothing to spring clean my troubled mind so I turned to emailing football365.com the following rant. I later expanded on it to draft an article for sportingo.com which they will hopefully publish shortly.

Oh dear. Another wrong turn by Smudger.
Just when you thought going to Man U was a grave mistake, it turns out going to Newcastle wasn't exactly a smart move either.......I'm not going to excuse the toys out of the pram behaviour at the weekend but it bore all the hallmarks of an extremely frustrated fed up young man who had been teetered over the edge just one fatal step too far. I remember him saying in an interview he didn't go to Newcastle before because of a lack of stability well looks like nothing has changed at all.

What is it with Newcastle? I thought Leeds were good at pressing the self destruct button but at long last we seem to be stabilising. Do you know why? The players have bonded, the management has survived a rocky patch and my most unfavourite chairman bar Risdale aka Ken Bates has steadied the ship. Sod wanting European football, sod wanting sexy football, at Leeds both went out the window a long time ago, as indeed did decent performances, BUT...points mean prizes, points mean punters, and by and large that's what is happening at Leeds. Its not pretty, not always that skilled but we're getting there. There are still plenty of Leeds fans who expect too much of the club but the majority with half a braincell realise there's a long way to go.

Its great that Newcastle fans are so passionate but there has to be a time when you take stock, calm down and look at things rationally. Until then, its just going to be hire and fire, pull the trigger watch the carnage and roll over and die whlist the rest of the Premier League and to some extent the rest of the footballing community shake their heads with raucous laughter at the never ending soap opera.

Get a midfielder, get a motivational manager, get someone a bit more steady away but quietly confident, someone in the mould of Sparky Hughes, Alan Curbishley, Big Sam was full of himself, Roeder had no bottle, Souness was all bark and no bite. As for Kevin Keegan, nice enough bloke but not tough enough. The trouble Newcastle have is trying to pick quality over quantity. So many managers, so many promises, so many unfulfilled dreams. Right now its a nightmare and the only way to solve it is pick someone reliable, proven and give him time. If you don't, say hello to the trap door and goodbye to any pie in the sky dreams about cups and being champions in the next five to ten years, if ever.

Here's the link to the sportingo.com version which has just literally got published this afternoon...

http://www.sportingo.com/why_newcastle_united_could_do/1001,6571

Reflections on a Rubbish 24hrs

2008-01-13T12:02:00.000Z

I forgive Alan for ruining my largely positive day, I enjoyed some retail therapy in York and chatting to Mum about this that and the other and watching Deal or No Deal, I can totally understand, as my Auntie said, why he lost it because Newcastle were truly awful, an embarrassment, he just wanted to get the hell out of there. Alan's not been himself for some time.

Alright ever since he broke his leg he's tried his hardest but not been the same player but its more than that, he was doing ok at Man U but then the door was abruptly shut on him, despite his best efforts to prove his worth. Newcastle quickly turned into a nightmare after a promising start, its just like the old Leeds, it'd be funny if it wasn't so tragic. Alan likes it at Newcastle apparently because its like Leeds he's getting played regularly and hes used to the passionate fanbase.

But what it really is, is Al is a sucker for walking in one frying pan to the next, he loves a challenge will never shirk from it and just wears his heart on his sleeve. That's both his greatest asset and greatest fault, he allowed the frustration and passion to take over common sense - Styles is an idiot, as are most referees, you cant talk to them, let alone swear at them, so the outcome was inevitable. The sending off was a culmination of many miserable morose moments getting too much..

So obviously this has affected me, I've tried to rationalise my feelings but I can't so I've written a poem to chill myself out a bit. Im really on edge its ridiculous!!

Morose and Manic: A Sorrowful Sunday

I need one moment in time

Pinning down Mr Right is an uphill climb

No regrets look forward now

Yesterday I was a miserable cow

Armani threads and Gucci sunglasses

Won't hide my fears

Or disguise my flowing tears

More than six grand in the bank yet I feel spent

Yesterday the devil was hell bent

On making me feel rubbish and all my insecurities were recycled

To make a mound of misery and moodiness

Can't help but feel sorry for Al the daft nutter

Maybe I'm as soft as butter

Sunday should be a day of rest

I just feel depressed

Unmotivated

Newcastle got slated

The Scum mashed them

Struck dumb

What will be will be

Being a busy bee

Tidying up, sorting my room

Hasn't lifted the gloom

Grandad's sending me a cutting of Smudge

That won't help me to get out of the sludge

Auntie Alison said she felt sorry

Sometimes I just feel like I want to dive under a lorry

It comes and goes

But this is what you get when you're in the throes

Of a passionate, stubborn, dramatic and soul destroying love affair

I really do care

But its hidden by thinly disguised put downs, sarcasm and wit

Many years ago the flame was lit

Yet it still burns brighter than ever

Someone bang our heads together!!

I then had a chat with my Auntie Alison and subsequently decided to email her to pour out my frustrations

"Nice to grab a quick chat with you earlier...Dad and Stu have gone off to look at cars in Doncaster as Dad's been toying with the idea of a new car for some time... Mum is just tidying up and checking on a lovely fluffy cuddly white cat with a black heart shaped patch on her back shes very cute...

I've been writing poetry, tidying up my bedroom, washing cat dishes and talking to my best friend Janine about football. I am hoping I can persuade her to go to Newcastle with me eventually. She wants to go but uses the excuse of being skint but I've offered to pay for her ticket. I really want to go. You'd just get a train from Goole, change at Doncaster to get to York then it takes you straight up to Newcastle.

In unrelated news, Janine is a big fan of David Tennant, she wrote to him last week and got a glossy signed photo of him as Dr Who only yesterday. How cool is that?! Don't tell Bridie but she gave me the address and I'm posting off an SAE tomorrow. I thought it was worth a shot,

Don't know what I'll do the rest of the day, might catch up on Big Brother Hijack, the first night was good as Matt Lucas took over the Big Brother duties setting tasks etc and I enjoyed Russell Brand but in between its been quite dull. I will probably wrap up Auntie Sandra S's birthday present, its her birthday next week (I think?) I've painted a canvas with orange, black, shades of pinky purple and silver hearts all shaped in an abstract way across the canvas, thought it was quite intriguing and modern for her.

Have a good week, glad you liked the flowers

Bye for now

xx

P.S. I think I should start playing the lottery to see if I'd win enough money to buy Smithy's leg...well it'd be a start...the head's no good because it clearly got mashed years ago by going to Man U - even Mum says it was a crazy thing to do going there.....at the time it sounded a good career move but you know what they say - if something looks too good to be true, it usually is!!!!!"

More Rants on Football365.com and Other Things

2008-01-10T14:10:00.001Z

"In response to the recent mail suggesting Smudger's
not getting a look in upfront because his decent form
is all in the very far gone past, all I have to say to
that is erm Michael Owen?! What's he still doing
there?! The man who scores plenty for England hasn't
exactly burned bright with endeavour and enthusiasm at
Newcastle of late? (or ever?)

To be quite honest we're all missing the point, we can
argue til the cows come home about Alan Smith because
its a hilariously hot potato which we just can't help
overbaking our brains with rage/amusement/frustration
at...the real issue is Newcastle are dead on their
feet unless they get a decent defence and a bonafide
attack minded midfielder, regardless of whether you
get Owen recreating the days of Euro 96 or Viduka on
Red Bull and a strict diet the dire service and dopey
defence are what is really costing the team. Rven I
realise Newcastle have got problems when you see
Smudger running up and down like a maniac to cover an
opposition attack whilst the rest go missing in
action. At least Leeds United are making me smile,
although when I go to games they lose so my fellow
Whites are telling me to stay away...that's not nice
is it?!"

Wemt to the gym this morning, had chips for dinner (sounds a bit mad that doesn't it?) followed by trip to Sainsburys, made a smoothie with lots of different exotic fruit, its been a fairly busy day today, been thinking alot about the future and talking with Mum about social opportunities, its difficult round here as there's not much to do in a village. Most of my friends are either in long term relationships, in time consuming jobs or generally skint.

So socially that's a little bit of a downer. I've been toying with the idea of joining the local drama group at Goole which could be intriguing, being on courses like at work gets you out and you meet different, quite likeminded individuals so that helps refresh your brain and outlook on life. If I had the opportunity I'd go to football more often and meet up with people I'd get to know through doing that. Sometimes you can feel like a very small fish in a large pond but I'm determined to break free of the daily grind, keep writing, keep positive, keep focused who knows what's around the corner. Rants like this on F365 could get picked up by anyone and everyone, who knows, somebody might like it so much they offer me a job? Anything is possible when you believe in yourself I guess. Onwards and upwards!

More Smudger Ramblings And Other Tales

2008-01-10T14:10:00.000Z

This is what I sent to football365.com today:-

In reply to the comment "He spent £20m on Smith, whose career he continues to destroy by insisting the lad is a DM (despite his Arsenal performance up front)" ..As a longstanding Smudger supporter I couldn't agree more............... I seriously hope whoever comes in shows some common sense and puts him upfront and gives the lad a chance. Strong characters are what's needed at Newcastle, not arrogant sods, jailbirds and sicknotes! Most clubs have a few idiots and embarrassingly overrated players but Newcastle just seem to attract them like honey to the bees. If I were Newcastle I wouldn't pick Shearer, good players don't always make for decent managers in the long term.

Been steady away today, still feeling a bit low about not doing Creative Writing this week and the delay in starting my teaching course, so I thought right....take the bull by the horns, I've been acrylic painting my abstract hearts designed block canvas for Auntie Sandra's birthday, emailed Goole College who are running aforementioned course as well as Boothferry Adult Ed to see if they've a) got any places left b) haven't started the course yet or aren't too far in for me to join in. I just want to get going with things. Its wet, windy and fairly cold the last thing I want to do is be morose and mooching around without a purpose.

Going to the beauticians later, meanwhile I'm going to tidy up, put some washing on, get the post in and maybe start typing up my notes from this week's French which I seem to keep putting off.

In other news its the anniversary of my Nana's passing so I should think we might be meeting up with Auntie Sandra for a drink or a chat. Unbelievable where the time's gone but in that time I've found a job, made friends at both work places, widened my range of responsibilities both with the RSPCA and at Adult Education, got two articles published in the Yorkshire Post and Alan's left Manchester United - okay Newcastle is a nightmare at the moment but at least he's getting played, albeit in the wrong position. Onwards and upwards as they say!

Sticking Up For Smudger

2008-01-08T23:35:00.000Z

Its about time Allardyce stopped playing Smith in midfield, put him upfront with Viduka, bought a decent midfielder and see where that takes them. He might not be Pele but he's certainly not the prat some make out. A broken leg and constantly being shortchanged by bizarre tactical decisions by both Ferguson and Allardyce in the last year or so is not going to do anything to silence the doom mongers........It isn't pretty, it isn't great and it was excrucating watching his efforts in midfield the other day in the FA Cup but I am convinced with a bit of common sense applied by Allardyce he will come good. Players don't become this bad overnight. Hes never been the most liked of players because of his spiky attitude and he's certainly never been a prolific goalscorer but he never gives up and whilst he might lack the pace or bit of quality he posessed when he scored in the Champions League both for Man U and for Leeds, at least he's not a sulky shirker like Defoe, Berbatov and company.

Some elements of his game might be stuck in a timewarp but he won't be under any illusions about what people think of him or whether he's good or indifferent as a midfielder, he'll just go out there and do the best he can. Its then up to the manager to utilise that talent as he sees fit but the blame can't all be on Smith for being rubbish because he's been let down several times and given a ridiculous amount of pressure, he was never going to be Roy Keane and he's not a midfield maestro for Newcastle. He never set out to be as such. But what he does give you is wholehearted gutsy performances, as long as he gives 100% the rest of it will fall into place eventually IF Allardyce shows bottle and gives him more of a chance upfront. If he doesn't well, he's a bigger muppet than any of the people who misunderstand the point of Alan Smith

On the up...

2008-01-05T18:53:00.000Z

I try my best to help people and make them happy but hold my own feelings close to my chest, I often feel I'm struggling alone with my feelings for Alan, that no one really understands and sometimes I don't even understand it myself. I felt much better today I got another pair of my purpley Ghost glasses from Doncaster today so I don't look as tired or old fashioned as I did in my spares, I bought a nice jacket and enjoyed a smoothie, my energy levels are up and the Sportingo lot have amended the error I spotted on my article (theirs not mine, which they admitted) and the guy who edited it said he thought it was a really good article, so that made me feel good.

I realised going round Doncaster just how slim and small I am, I was really getting annoyed trying to find some nice clothes then I went into a 'Republic' store which has different designer stuff, mainly centered on young people/teenagers but fits me better and I got a military jacket for £73 steep I know but really nice, it weirdly reminded me of a coat/jacket Alan has got but I've always liked jackets like that anyway but not managed to get one. I've been to the gym twice this week, used my jogger in between, eaten pretty healthily, I'm on top form for the first time in weeks. Long may it continue!!

Oo-er! I got some stick for this but enjoy my latest footy rant...

2008-01-04T20:05:00.000Z

It might be a New Year but the disastrous, dodgy antics still persist at Elland Road. Georgina Jane Petty found herself compelled to go into verse about the problem . . .
'Leeds United are legendary for shooting themselves in the foot'
You've ploughed through the tin of Quality Street like Wayne Rooney gorging on glorious goals, guiltily trudged with trepidation onto the scales and vowed to get fit, change your life and not look back, only forward. It was all going so well - then an old habit, or old face, came back and spoiled the party.

That's just how things feel at Leeds United right now. First Jonathan Douglas gets injured, then Shaun Derry and Deadly Den have a fall out that will probably prove fatal for Derry's Leeds career, followed by a New Year curtain-raiser that re-opened some old wounds.
Leeds are legendary for shooting themselves in the foot, hoofing the ball so far that no one can spot where it falls, dim defending that leaves even amateur schoolboys scratching their heads, and the manager tossing and turning in bed. It makes me all nostalgic for all the wrong reasons, bringing back "fond memories" of Roque Junior, and Raul 'Juliet' Bravo who were as reliable a last line of defence as Dad's Army.

Then midfield mentalist David Batty, bless his heart, was more a brute than astute, and play-maker playboy Harry Kewell had style, but his attitude was one of the worst by a mile. As for our strikers, Smudger Smith could sniff out the odd goal or two but Darren Beckford's gone as gormless as he looked when he unsurprisingly got sent off for a blatant mistimed tackle.
Leeds were uninspiring on the pitch, but off it I found an outlet for my frustration. I picked up a pen and wrote this poem. When the going gets tough let it all out . . .

I hadn't been to a game for a while,Trust me to pick the worst game of the season by a mile,Oldham at home on New Year's Day,Felt confident it would go our way.
The bleary-eyed fans might have been hungover,But the players didn't seem much more sober! Punch drunk defending,Scoreline mind-bending.
Football as appetising as over-microwaved pud, The game was a complete dud, Hopeless 'hoof it up' horseplay so hard to stomach, Hopes were beginning to plummet.
Bad enough the car park is now five quid.And the shop still has a signed squad photo featuring a certain peroxide kid, Losing is painful any day,But not that way.
Headless chicken springs to mind,Where's the midfield? Are you lot the quitting kind? Where's the leader? Where's the crowd pleaser?The heart of Leeds United - us fans, Are nervous about the January plans, Derry and Wisey falling out,Won't give the team much credible clout.
Show some pride,Get the fans back on side,Step up the pace,Make Elland Road a fearsome place.

Have Leeds cracked under the pressure? How can Wisey's men get the fans back onside?

Right well I'm going to bed, I get the feeling I need to get to bed, I'm a bit disheartened, tired and worn out. Will finish putting my French notes in order in my file then go to sleep. Staying up late clearly doesn't do me any favours, I wrote that late doors the other night tired frustrated and full to the brim with pent up emotion. But I don't regret anything I wrote in the article as it was from the heart and my own take on it, doesn't mean that's how it is or a leading authority on the subject of Leeds United, just my opinion. Take it or leave it...
Goodnight everyone :-) Onwards and upwards!

Alan Related Anguish

2007-12-30T15:31:00.000Z

I've been on a knife edge, there were some highs, some real lows and a mawdling, dawdling middle ground which I wished would swallow me up, in the last few days. From buzzing with 'Buzz' mania to screaming every last inch of sanity from one's body it's been an emotional rollercoaster. One thing's for sure, I won't forget 2007. I enjoyed the walk going up the grassy Hobbit meets Hogwarts Milton Abbas chapel steps the calorific choccy cake and generous presents of a Doctor Who calendar, fancy home made apron, Green and Blacks chocolate, home made butterfly cushion, notets, Desperate Housewives DVD colourful Pringles socks and heat magazine from my cousins and grandparents. But I felt an increasing sense of frustration, hemmed in by horrible arguments that no one could win, henpecked by harrassed relations and searching for a bit of breathing space and serenity.

Yet I found it, listening to my John Barrowman CD last night and taking note of the unshakeable courage and steely resolve of the emotionally charged Deal or No Deal Christmas Stars I have to say I have no regrets, things haven't always gone the way I've wanted it to but it's worked out for the best. My only concerns now are that Alan gets a happier 2008 and I get the opportunity to meet up with him again and bury a few past grievances that should firmly stay in the past, looking forward to the challenges of the teaching qualification and meeting my new Creative Writing learners. I shall now leave you with something I had published on the Sky Sports site. I would love nothing more than for my words to be heeded and for a minor miracle to occur in the coming months or years. Here's to a fantastic 2008 everyone!!!

"What's up with Smudger? (Alan Smith) I was a huge fan when he was at Leeds and had the privelige of meeting him several times he's a great bloke and a real battling spirited guy on the pitch. He's either really subdued, totally lost or goes overboard with his challenges at the moment, today's game against Wigan was a case in point. This might sound controversial but I don't think football fans will ever see the decent goal scorer and all round good player that catapulted Leeds to the Champions League ever again unless pigs fly and he goes back to Leeds. In short, he's lost that spark that made him an entertaining, likeable character he just needs someone (I'm volunteering) to kick him up the backside and cart him back to Elland Road where he belongs. Don't give up Smudger the game needs mad characters like you!!!!!!!!"

Xmas fun

2007-12-24T21:49:00.001Z

My brother has just sponsored a dog from Dogs Trust for my Christmas present, I thought oh okay that's different but then I spotted the name - SMUDGE!!! He said now I had two dogs in my life, ones a scruffy waif and stray, the other plays for Newcastle...weirdly this collie dog is also black and white....a coincidence perhaps?

So here's a little poem about my Christmas Day

Dangerous triangular diamond earrings
As sharp and bewitching as the frost out there glistening
Stationery including an address book finally get myself organised
To get to sponsor a dog called Smudge was a cool surprise
Pilgrim earrings, adopt a seal and a smoothie book
This year I didn't get any "muck"!!!
Purple beaded bracelet so pretty in the light
After the Christmas pudding I felt a little "tight"!
Sherry washed down with a dash of red wine
The AGA dinner was truly divine
Green tea to detox my Christmas
Charles Worthington hair products to make me into a bonny lass
From Burberry perfume to a fair trade bag made out of colourful bags stitched together
This could turn out to be the best Christmas period ever
Infuriated Stu on the Buzz game with my lighting quick finger
I don't linger!
Cheered and got emotional over Doctor Who
What a to do
On Strictly Come Dancing Christmas Special
How did that portly cheeky chappy win yes you Darren Gough?
People's champ but dance chump for me - poor Gethin must have been cheesed off!
Dragons Den amused me
Whilst I stuffed myself with crisps and drank Green Tea
Gordon Ramsays Kitchen Nightmares in America was heaven sent
On kicking people's arses he is hell bent!!!
A few more presents to come when I go down south
Here's hoping Smudger tomorrow finds the goal mouth
Whacks it high into the net and makes Boxing Day just champion for me
What a day that would be.....
Merry Christmas everyone I hope you had a ball
Mine wasn't bad at all!

Christmas is almost here and life is looking good

2007-12-24T21:49:00.000Z

As usual I've been chattering away, clicking the keys and clucking over football, fellas, festivities, enjoying red wine, raucous laughter, "bombing" people on Buzz (what do you mean you don't know what Buzz is? it's brilliant!!) making several christmas puddings, icing the christmas cake, phewwwww I've been busy! But I've had a little time to reflect whilst watching "When Joseph met Maria" it had me all misty eyed and nostalgic, reflecting on the trials and tribulations, how far I've come and how exciting it is having another course to run in January and a feeling that the journey's only just begun..I don't know why but I've got some interesting vibes about this Christmas...Oh and the small matter of clinching two tickets to the Oldham match at Elland Road on New Years Day. Yes!!! Get in!! cannot wait.........

Here's some more funny football comments I've been ranting on about in the last few days...

Chewing the cud over the disappointing draw vs Derby...
Viduka and Smudger played well together at Leeds and showed more than a few glimpses of their potential as a long term partnership with Smudger's tenacity and Viduka's eye for goal it looked pretty alright. But oh no, the chocolate fireguard defence caused Sam to panic and put Smudger back in midfield and stifle his attacking threat. Viduka can be quite a laboured player sometimes and he needs someone with Smudge's energy and enthusiasm to chase the ball and give him a few openings. Newcastle are a complete shambles defensively and remind me of a below par Bolton/Leeds United in the dark days, plenty of players with potential, not enough faith shown by the manager to stick with a system that suits the players and entertains the crowds.

I don't think wannabe WAGS and the Xmas turkey will be the only thing roasted this Christmas.....step forward Sam Allardyce to the long walk of shame out of St James Park, at this rate!

On Al getting the captaincy against Derby....
"I know Smudger well as I had the privelige of getting to know him when he was at Leeds. He's a top bloke, well respected and liked by all sections of the game, his prickly heart on your sleeve antics on the pitch are a far cry from the selfless kindhearted guy he is off the pitch. The press make him out (particularly the tabloids) to be some deranged nutter with no talent and this is absolutely ridiculous. He's had his fair shair of knockbacks, body blows and critics, on and off the pitch its been a rollercoaster but no one deserves the captaincy more than Smudger. He loves football, he loves the fans and after the broken leg and the tragic exit from Leeds it would've been easy to think this man would be resting on his laurels and taking his money. Thank god there's teetotal, charity supporting (without fanfare) characters like Smudge left in the game to restore our faith in English football. Good on you Smudge"

Merry Christmas everyone and don't get too stuffed!! :-)

Reflections on A Rollercoaster Ride...

2007-12-18T23:05:00.001Z

Christmas is almost here, I've only just got into the "mode" taking in an RSPCA Christmas dinner, Christmas meal with the Learning Disabled groups, co hosting the garage works do, mulled wine, red wine, christmas pud, more red wine more mulled wine, more christmas pud etc etc throw in a few feedback forms, typing up the last glut of work related things, rounding off the course, panicking sweating, championing my way through a heavy schedule of a new scheme of work, pre course information, new handouts, updated handouts, updated, improved, tweaked aims of sessions.......panto.......frantically posting learners certificates.......shopping in donny......wrapping presents, buying presents.....emailing..tidying up..making lists..scrapping lists...cutting out and chopping...hiding (newspaper cuttings with You Know Who stashed away this morning as if it were a piece of filthy porn...) hating (thank god I'm leaving the choir I found it a bit cringeworthy and not very ho ho more like no no just too stuffy...some choir members noses were more stuffed up than a poor unfortunate chrimbo turkey with the lurgies running rife at the concert) phewwwwwww breathe a sigh of relief, presents sorted, cards signed, learners motivated, achieved, excited, quite a few coming back next time, another course booked, have I caught the dreaded teaching bug? perhaps I'm hooked? More food to be cooked, decorations to be made, I'm a poet did you know it..........god I'm FULL of ideas, dreams, hopes, its been a CRAZY! CREATIVE! DRAMATIC! DELIGHTFUL! 2007....

Now...here's a list of the top three things that I've enjoyed in 2007 and those things I haven't quite enjoyed!!!!!!

Top Three Highlights

1. Teaching Creative Writing
2. Alan moving to Newcastle. Out of Manchester! Yes Yes Yes. Shame he's not consistently played in his best position (no I don't mean on my floor begging for mercy ahem ahem)
3. Two articles being included on the Sports Letters page of the Yorkshire Post and more articles published on Sportingo...yay!!

Top Three Lowlights

1. Alan being in Newcastle and not in my bed. Funny. Ha ha. Just not quite a ten minute walk away is it? Oh well..can't win them all...
2. The whole saga of my southern family, feeling depressed that my Auntie was getting somewhere with her life then out of the blue gets pregnant for the fifth time at 42. As you do..
3. Ending 2007 still single. Boo hiss.

Sky High

2007-12-05T22:54:00.001Z

These are the comments my learners had written on a surprise Christmas card for me, which is really sweet "Georgina! You may not have nurtured a Bronte, a Hemingway or a Dylan Thomas, but you have made us all think, plan, plot and write - so we say a big "Thankyou" and hope that in '08 there will be an advanced course run by you?" and "I love coming to your writing sessions as they get me out of my hesitation to write: thank you for all your time and encouragement" and finally "thanks for a bit of inspiration!" How sweet.....what can I say. Sums it all up. I've made everyone certificates for next week with things like "For increased confidence in own writing, useful contributions to class" etc to make them feel good about what they've achieved. I'm looking forward to the last class as it'll be interesting to look back on our first pieces of work and analyse the course but then its sad to say goodbye to some people who may or may not come back next year as its another Beginners and Improvers class, but hopefully if I tweak it and accomodate more 'Improvers' so the current crop aren't put off by the title of the course, they might be persuaded. I've got genuine interest from at least four of the learners about either coming back, bringing a friend or encouraging others to join.

Finally here's a poem I wrote a few moments ago

He looks like a peroxide skunk
But one mention of him and I feel punch drunk
Its almost midnight and I'm getting uptight
I don't look a pretty sight
Working too hard
Still haven't done your Christmas card
Laminating, typing and analysing
There's no stopping
This crazy fool called Gina who everyone calls Mrs Smith
My necks stiff
Too many hours on the PC
Need to set myself free
From late night texting, google searching and procrastinating
Over Christmas cards, Creative Writing and some guy I'd like to be dating
Bring on tomorrow more work to do
Thoughts of Alan stick in my mind like UHU glue
Better get some shut eye
Dreams of peroxide boy in fancy shirt and tie
Whatever floats your boat I guess
Sometimes my head can be a right mess!!!!!

Short and Sweet

2007-12-05T22:54:00.000Z

This is what I sent to football365.com just now, thought I'd amuse you with this little email:-

Hull lost last night whilst my beloved Leeds won and Newcastle drew with Arsenal tonight. Top it all off with the shock revelation that Smudger played well. Yes really. It does happen! A pretty good few days and there's a glimmer of hope of me getting tickets to see the Kaiser Chiefs at Elland Road. Get in!!!! Seriously I've been fed up of people slagging Smudger off, mocking the fact he's been played out of position and lacking a bit of pizazz to say the least as a consequence but he's back, snapping, snarling and it won't be long before he's scoring too, honest! (I can hear the whispers and muffled laughter oi oi!) Bring on the weekend

Georgina "Loving Smudger's skunk painted with custard hairstyle - so bonkers its almost brilliant"Jane Petty

My payslip for the month is due very shortly, I went to the gym yesterday and today so I'm sky high and up for anything, been working like a trojan with the Creative Writing stuff but you know what, I'm bloody loving it, even the day from hell with Jane the pain screaming shouting sulking and singlehandedly destroying all hope of constructive learning and teaching taking place for me and Rachel during an observation in the Beginner Readers class can dampen my enthusiasm. Look out world, here comes a super WAG - Wise Ambitious and Gorgeous. Stuff the latest Chloe handbag, hell I don't even want a plush apartment, who needs that when there's tickets to the Kaiser Chiefs to be had, Alan getting an eight on the Sky.com player ratings and my own money that I've worked damn hard for coming into the bank!!!!!! H.A.P.P.Y :D

The Life of a Lovely Lively Leeds Fan in Love

2007-12-01T23:02:00.000Z

To sum up what I've been up to here is what I wrote to Smudger this evening
"Hey Alan how are you? I confess I didn't see any part of the match on TV as I was busy spanking my plastic and exercising my inner WAG - which I'm often too ashamed to let out but the lure of Selfridges, Harvey Nicks and Burberry was even more tempting than Tia Maria coffee poured all over a blond bloke (what am I like?!) I went to Manchester to visit my cousin who recently moved into a flat in Deansgate with her boyfriend. I'd not been to Manchester for years. Apart from the Theatre of Nightmares, its an enchanting, buzzing place, no wonder you enjoyed it. Christmas has come early for me, I selfishly only spent on myself but what the heck, must get my head down, mark the rest of my Creative Writing class's work and start recouping some dosh now eeek!!

"All joking aside, sounds like you guys were hard done by today and I'm pleased to hear you weren't pushed too much out of position - hurrah!! I'm liking the 80's Basil Brush-esque look, you're hilariously sexy, even dressed in a bin bag you'd make me melt into mush, you mad man! Don't get too disheartened, keep fighting, things will turn around as long as everyone keeps the faith. All the best Alan, don't worry be happy and take care of yourself"

Oh my god. Feel the love people...feel the lurrrrrrrve in the room!! (bleurgh!!!!!)

Chewing Things Over...

2007-11-28T21:52:00.000Z

Got my article on Peter Ridsdale (see www.sportingo.com) published in the letters section of the Yorkshire Post last week, just spotted it, I'm on a roll, what with Cottingham Adult Ed asking me to do another 10wk Creative Writing course in January and getting some coverage in the local paper for the RSPCA it's all good right now. Nothing much has changed on the love life front though and for a bit of a laugh I came up with this tonight to amuse my friend in a random email:-

An ordinary Leeds chav underneath, he just cannot help it!!!!

Lemon colour barnet brightens up the pitch

Atrocious hair

Nutter - but its all good I like him that way

Sexy...in my humble opinion (stop sniggering at the back!!!)

Mad as a hatter but who cares

Impossible to stop him picking up yellow cards, they attract him like flies to jam!

Toon Army don't understand a word he says..probably

Hilariously grumpy at times

Fighting Talk

2007-11-26T14:35:00.000Z

I dont know why but I felt compelled to write something to Smudge, the weekends football results had me chewing over a few things...

"Dear Alan
What a disastrous weekend!! I felt buoyed by the prospect of doing another 10wk creative writing course in January and the lovely, positive feedback, I relished marking the work and setting things up for another session, things couldn't be better.
But oh no, the football brought me crashing down from the dreamy clouds! Damn it!! Leeds and Newcastle both screwed it up and I'm left wondering whether this is just a blip, lack of confidence or you're (yet again!) being utterly wasted and ground down to a shadow of your former self. You played well a few weeks back and seemed to be settling in at Newcastle. What happened? I know you're capable of great things and I totally believe you'll turn a corner, but I do worry you're not being given the opportunity to show what you do best whilst you're (in my opinion) playing the "team workhorse" role, otherwise known as "utility man" I know you well and am sure you will rise above all of this an een stronger character. Be strong, be positive and stay true to yourself. You can always count on my support"

That really sums up my relationship with Alan. Whatever happened, happens or is to happen, there's always me there somewhere. Regardless of whether I'm an hour away, five hours away or the other side of the world to him, I won't ever change the way I feel about him. He's been a total pillock, a boring sod, frustrating fucking lunatic etc etc but I have stood firm and am probably the sort of woman who would risk death to drag him out of a house fire even if it meant cutting my legs off to get up to him. What he has done to deserve such a superwoman as me I do not know. Must have been a saint in a previous life. I don't think he'll ever grasp or appreciate how willing I am to take flak and be totally humiliated just to support him. Theres alot of people out there in football who cannot stand him and don't see the point in him but through it all I put up with it, grumble, swear and write poetry and hope that tomorrow's a better day. They do say behind every man there's an even greater woman and I'd like to say that applies to me.

I couldn't and didn't sleep last night...

2007-11-17T17:18:00.000Z

I didn't sleep last night

I didn't sleep last night

A gurgling roaring boiler gave me a fright

Freezing cold I held onto the covers oh so tight

Time goes so slowly when you're all alone

But I can't moan

I have lots of things going on right now

I shouldn't be a miserable cow

I wish he knew how much I cared

Maybe he's scared

Just as much as I am

Maybe he doesn't give a damn

One way or another we have to settle things once and for all

A text, a letter, a meet up, even a call

One way or another someone has to wave the white flag

I don't want to be a WAG I don't want the latest handbag

I just want him that's all, just fishgobbed likeable cheeky Al

To me he's more than just a good pal

What can I do where do I turn?

When will I learn?

Thinking about it over and over gets you nowhere fast

Nor does going over the past

Onwards and upwards keep plodding on and hope

I am able to cope

Just need to keep smiling and working hard

One day life will deal me an ace card

Reality Check

2007-11-10T17:25:00.001Z

I was going to write about how busy I'd been scooping up smelly cat poo, washing dishes, laminating, typing up, correcting and marking work, working out at the gym and keeping the house in order, but nothing can be as hard as the job the volunteers, supporters and workers at the Tumani Home of Hope in Mombasa, Kenya, do. I have always been a keen supporter of Comic Relief from being just five years old, but when I saw the Jeremy Kyle Show's mini documentary on a home run by a retired lady named Joan, who saw children walking the streets because they'd been abandoned by the families and friends as they had AIDS and felt she had to do something. Some time later she went about setting up an orphanage/place of refuge for children aged anything from just months old to school age.

There are lots of charities worthy of supporting but this particularly had an impression on me as the problems these children had been burdened with and the issues their society couldn't deal with and still can't deal with, are so easily prevented or in some cases solved, by education, the community pulling together and the wool pulled from people's eyes. Its so sad in the 21st century that there are still Third World countries out there where children, who are meant to be the future, are given a death sentence because of something they had no say in. They didn't ask to be born and they certainly didn't ask to be infected with HIV or AIDS. I could go on and on but you get the drift. Anyway I'll come to the point of this short blog entry, I received an email update as I am a supporter and I give them a small donation a month and it told of visits to an Elephant Sanctuary, extensions to the school building, it was very heartwarming. The most touching thing was Elizabeth, who was very animated and sweet when Jeremy Kyle met her, but couldn't hear very well at all. She has now been fitted with hearing aids which have been paid for by donations.

Something as basic as that will probably enhance and change her life forever, it will also impact on the children around her who will be able to communicate with her more and she'll feel much more confident and happy. Believe me I know, I'm a hearing aid wearer myself and when I have a heavy cold or one that doesn't work, I feel a bit cut off. So when people wonder whether giving to charities like this is worth it or whether their money actually gets put to good use, this is a small, but very timely reminder of why Africa still needs us. If we can't help to educate the elders into using condoms and being more aware, we can give hope to the children left behind by giving them a dignified few years or whatever they've got left.

I cannot stop thinking about Alan and how sad I feel that I probably screwed my only chance of finding true love when he left Leeds and I kind of went off the rails with my attitude towards him w hen he was at Man U, but when I hear about the children in the home and how small little things like day trips, new paint pots light up their world as if the most magical thing in the whole world had just happened it hits you...and reading poem penned by innocent, sweet children who have no idea of the burden they carry gives you another slap in the face. The fact of the matter is, I can't really complain about my life when I'm sat typing on a nice computer, sat in a lovely house, in a peaceful, safe environment with fresh water, good food and a comfortable bed. There's something to be said for a little reality check every now and again!
Until next time. Goodnight.

Up To All Sorts..

2007-11-10T17:25:00.000Z

Last night I answered and negotiated a few cat phone calls, most of them positive, I'm glad to say. My best friend Alex came round for a bit, we chatted about how to use the AGA, her new boyfriend, Creative Writing, cats and TV, One Eyed Jack was very cute and muscled in on the fun and alternated between the two of us for fuss and cuddles. My Christmas cake is wonderful, if I may say so myself, I got it out of the oven just after 8.30pm after just over 10hrs of cooking(!!!) it is fantastic, really moist, smells nice, laced with lots of fruit and alcohol, it should be a very tasty Christmas offering. I'm so pleased it turned out alright. I think I will definitely attempt a Christmas pudding with the AGA as this has turned out so well. I think the hot but steady heat helped to seal in the flavour and not burn the top.

Today I've been tidying up, feeding cats, cleaning up One Eyed Jack's poo present dolloped on the floor next to Dad's whisky cupboard, washing dishes, answering the phone (thankfully so far it hasn't rung too much today) working on my 'Newspaper and Magazine Writing' session, designing and typing up handouts on 'Analysing Newspapers and Magazines' 'What are Newspapers and Magazines?' and 'Common Newspaper and Magazine Terms' I tend to get them to fill in these handouts individually then swap with the neighbour, they then read each others out and debate the topics on the handout. I've managed to work out how to use the projector to put things like 'Aims of The Session' on to an interactive white board so that also gives them something more interesting to work with than just me rabbiting on.

My day's gone pretty swimmingly, any fears of being engulfed by tidal typhoons (apparently the East Coast of England was meant to be hit by extreme flash floods ...all we've had is cold winds and dark gloomy clouds....) or bum numbing boredom were quickly quashed by a titantic Tyne-Wear battle between Sunderland and Newcastle (Smudger did his usual superhero act, this time from the deep end of defence - ooh look another water reference...saving Newcastle fans from drowning their sorrows in too much Brown Ale and showing lots of heart no not Ian Harte I said HEART oh yeah another ex Leeds player in the Premiership? Bit of a rare thing that..not!!!!!! Every club (seemingly) has to have at least one.......) I utterly adore Alan everything he does, I just cannot stop savouring and slobbering over every little detail, sod Ann Summers sex toys I think Sky Plus remote control being able to rewind, pause and fast forward is the sexiest gadget ever ;) and of course he was in all his HD glory *swoon* Tsk some women are so easily pleased!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I managed to prize my eyes away from the not so peroxide one a couple of times to laminate work, chat to Stuart who came in to wash his car in the drive, check on the cats, tidy up and deal with RSPCA calls. Loved up yes, lazy no....... I also did a Delia (another football reference....clever eh..) and made my own vegetable soup for tea which I am going to enjoy with a large dollop of trashy TV including The X Factor and Strictly Come Dancing very shortly. Got cat dishes to wash up from tea and the remnants of my tea at some point but I think I'm going to chill out for a while :-) Damn I wish that certain blond bloke would turn up on me........

Going For It!!! :-)

2007-11-08T14:42:00.000Z

Had a great session. Sue the Creative Studies coordinator came to check up on how we've improved on the first time she visited and said it was "brilliant" and all the things she'd asked me to improve on or work on were "very good..no problem at all" and she's taken one of my ideas on feedback (getting people's comments and arranging them on an OHT with WordArtetc) to use for something or other so I felt very flattered, she said "if you carry on like this you'll be doing a really brilliant course you don't need me here I'll let you get on with it" and she left me to it for the rest of the session. So that was a relief.

And YAY the projector worked for projecting the objectives and feedback on the whiteboard. All in all a very positive session. Had lots of fun with poetry - they had a mystery bag to pick an object or a task out of the bag and Howard picked out my photo of Alan and I. He didn't realise it was me. The poem he wrote was really sweet and he suggested that they had been to a footy match and were just off for a meal together or something or other and I was going really red. I was forced to confess the meaning behind the picture and everyone found that really hilarious. So all is well in the world. What next for me? World domination next perhaps??? Ha ha. Mum and Dad go on holiday tomorrow afternoon so I'm getting my head round what to do with regards to cats and RSPCA stuff, getting organised. I think I'm going to enjoy the peace and quiet to be honest. But hopefully Alex and Becky etc will come round for a takeaway or something at some point.

I'm really pleased today has turned out so brilliantly, I'm really getting my teeth into life, letting the ideas flow and prodding gently towards a brighter future now I've got signed up to do the preparing to teach City and Guilds certificate, going on another Skills For Life trip next week taking them bowling, I'm doing more board writing and almost taking the second tutor role on in the Wednesday class, I feel respected, valued and overall, very smug, I'm a wanted woman!!! Bring it on.....I felt a bit low and bored in the last few days of my break away to see Maria, I was chomping at the bit for fun, freedom and free will and Adult Ed allows me to have fun, mix with different people, immerse myself in ideas and live life. Its a shame there aren't many people who know half of what goes on and the opportunities that are available for young people wanting to be creative or different in their career. Its rewarding, challenging and makes you think. I couldn't ever be an accountant or a surveyor, we need them but I like to debate things, think about different ideas and kick concepts around with lots of arty, creative people. It really is an interesting place to learn and support people.

Just hope One Eyed Jack behaves himself whilst Mum's away (He's a partially deaf, one eyed purring machine who doesn't always want to use the litter tray for every toilet trip..hmmmmm...)

Leeds United Must Stand Firm Against Peter Ridsdale's Mud Slinging

2007-10-31T22:11:00.000Z

This is my latest published offering from Sportingo.com:-

The former chairman's shameful outpourings threaten to damage the current repair work going on at Elland Road. This is much more than putting the record straight.

It was all going so swimmingly for Leeds United until an old friend bobbed up his head from the murky depths, swimming against a tide of accusations including treachery (how could a Leeds fan allow his beloved club to sink so fast?) and firing a few timely warning shots from the past.

Publicity Pete Ridsdale's book is, on the surface, a smug, self-pitying story of the shameful scandal rag hogging rantings from much maligned managers and the threat of prison for two star players. Scratch below that layer of smarmy salaciousness and there's a poignant message - don't look back in anger and keep moving forward.

If Leeds don't stay United, then promotion dreams and the road back to the promised land of the Premier League will close and divert to a dreaded dark despairing place of debt. Disenchanted potential investors will disintegrate and in turn disinterest the fans.

There are many bad pennies from the past, many that weigh more than several pounds on my mind, weighing even heavier in my heart when I turn the pages of the papers with Ridsdale's poisonous words. I've met David O'Leary - his signings were as mixed as a bag of Rowntree's fruit pastilles. Some were OK, some were good, others got left on the shelf to ferment.

He had a high opinion of himself and had even higher ambitions for the club. But with it came diva demands of skyscraper proportions. Ridsdale signed the colossal cheques - he could have said no. If Ridsdale was a bona fide Leeds United fan like he claimed to be during his tenure at Elland Road, isn't it a tad ironic that he's washing dirty linen in public with the serialisation of his book regarding his turbulent tenure at the club?

Sure, he may be putting the record straight. After all, as TV chat show host Jeremy Kyle says every morning: "there are two sides to every story." Indeed there are. But do we really want to hear it? Doesn't that make him as desperate as dole queue David O'Leary? More to the point, does it not just reopen old wounds and start an unnecessary slanging match?
Let's face it, the past is done and dusted. We can't change it but we can dispute it and despair over it. Dark clouds are not going to descend on the club again if we learn from this sad story. Ultimately, who cares if Paul Robinson blubbed to oh, so understanding and cuddly Pistol Pete, who allegedly frittered fans' hard-earned cash on therapeutic fish? Who cares if O'Dreary 'lost' the dressing room?

Someone was lost in dreamland when they signed O'Leary's bumper cheque book, not to mention sanctioning deals that ensured the already overpaid over-inflated egos of the likes of Danny "Not So Effing Brilliant" Mills and company would live a life of 'Dallas' luxury. Top that off with having to pay off O'Leary and every other 'all looks and no substance' manager who followed the sorry trail of treachery a ridiculous amount of compensation to keep them sweet.
There's nothing new about any of Ridsdale's revelations. It is, frankly, a miracle that we survived the deadly duo's damaging dalliance with a half-baked budget plan and pretentions. It was no wonder that the sharks rammed, and bit hard and fast into the not very good ship Leeds United.

The only way to silence the snipers and scaremongers was to sit tight. With this siege mentality, finally we've somehow managed to get the club shipshape again and the last thing we need is a few untimely distractions diverting our course.

Gus Poyet's departure is a shame, but it won't sink us. A much more welcome blast from the past, Lucas Radebe has been mentioned as a potential replacement. But don't pin all your hopes on the chief. He may lead the way but it's up to the new Leeds United to stand up, be proud and plot a new course, venturing into a brave new era which will hopefully, ultimately, be remembered for championship cups rather than cheque-book blunders.

Fighting Fit Zapping Zits And Dragging Life Out Of The Pits!!!

2007-10-23T23:27:00.000+01:00

I'm going to see Maria on Thursday, no not a Julie Andrews sound-a-like(!) I mean Maria Dawn, my new cousin. Mum, Stu and I are going to Dorset for a few days to visit everyone. It'll do me good to get out of four walls, stop obsessing about session four of creative writing and typing/texting into the teeny hours of the morning.....This is what I emailed my Auntie:-

"I think I should subscribe to a lifelong membership of workaholics anonymous. I have been working all week on the session after half term even though I've got another week yet..madness..I do enjoy it though and I like planning it all, its very interesting to do. It also helps me think through my own creative writing process and how I could improve my own skills. I was looking at some of my articles online on some of the sports sites and it made me realise how far I've come and some of the stuff I can write. I can be very self depreciating at times and I've no need to be. If I can't believe in myself then how can I expect others to? I guess I've got a bit of the Petty gene in me I enjoy a bit of pressure and being in the limelight. Maybe I was a stroppy OTT diva in my previous life or something.......ha ha ha"

"On to more serious matters I hope you are getting a reasonable amount of sleep and the lads are chipping in with a few baby duties...its the 21st century you know boys!! Ha ha ha. I am rubbish about going to bed earlier so I often struggle to get up on a morning so I don't think I could cope with early shifts of baby duties!! I salute you all! I am bringing a small present for Maria which I hope you will like, you may have seen this before as it is something I made when you came to stay last. I am going to be so incredibly skint next October, Maria will be one, Dad will be 50, there's Emma's birthday and one of my best friends has a birthday just after Dad's. Eek. I think I will have to talk to my bank manager.....LOL."
"Looking forward to seeing you all and hope to see all your moggies if Stu doesn't frighten them off first with his shocking R n B and 'Clublands III' rubbish booming down the road........!"

Smudger however, is still never far away from my thoughts.....as this email to Janine proves
"Hope you've had a good day its been a nice sunny day here today not bad at all, been busy doing chores, helping out with cats and doing more stuff to do with work..not long til I go away..mixed feelings about it, it'll do me good to get away from the PC and stop obsessing about my course but I do find it a tough environment with the generation gap and all that
I do wish everyday that I'd made more effort to bridge the gap with Alan at Man U. Reading the articles I wrote and reliving some of my emotions has made me realise how strongly I felt about him and that I never really relayed that to him properly without either clamming up or getting aggressive. Immaturity, insecurity and insufferable jealousy reigned supreme I'm afraid"

I feel a new me is opening up to new opportunities a new confidence, a new wave of bravery, boldness and bloody brilliant bolshyness is coming over me! I am fighting back against the green eyed monster and the cynical old bat routine is wearing thin even with myself so watch out world..never mind Sunny D, here's Sunny G!!! Even more powerful and intoxicating than the additive fuelled drink with a wicked smutty laugh and a feisty fun attitude...bring it on!!!! :-) Mr Smith won't know what's hit him..

There's Something About Maria

2007-10-20T22:49:00.000+01:00

My cousin Maria Dawn was born on Wednesday, very early in the morning. Her arrival has stirred up mixed emotions in me and I had been very unsure and rather unsettled about how it would affect things in a rather fragile family.
Her name is Maria Dawn.

It still feels very odd. One because of my age and the fact I'm very conscious of being the eldest cousin/grandchild/niece etc this could well be passed off as mine. However....I am sure I will get used to the idea its just a strange thing that reminds me of Alan and a new start, which is quite bizarre but I feel like everythings starting again, in a good way I hope...I don't think it'll necessarily paper over the cracks for too long in my Aunties house, if anything it may create new ones - I don't think I would've handled it very well if mum had had another child in her forties. I am glad I only have Stu and he's got his own place so I don't have too much to do with him really, hes a pest but he's not as big a pest as he used to be in some respects. I think as well, I know this sounds stupid, but its making me itch to settle down and find someone to do that with. Which is a bit weird. For the first time in my life I genuinely feel settled. If I have to move out on my own I will, no problem, but I will feel more lonely than I would've done about two or three years ago. In some ways, particularly financially and in terms of having a job, I'm more independent but theres one part of me that's absolutely gagging to pounce on Mr Right. And when I mean ready to pounce, I mean claws, bites and the rest...big time ;)

There's definitely something about Maria. I feel she's going to oversee a huge change in my life. I feel like Nat has sent her here to show me something. She represents something I want but am afraid to talk about. Something that means alot to me but I can't own up to it. Something that represents change, I'm crap at accepting change. So maybe just maybe instead of being a spanner in the works it may oil the cog in the machine, so to speak...Only time will tell.

Yippeeee the AGA's Here!

2007-10-15T22:21:00.000+01:00

Move over blonde blokes and footy...not even the gorgeous chinese chips I had for tea can deflect the attention away from the lovely cream monster of a cooker that warms the cockles of my heart. At long last we've got a cooker that's more of a Rolls Royce than the Smeg oven we had previously, which was more like Liverpool, looks good but somehow always lets you down in the end(!) Ooh miaow.............I'm fantasising about christmas cake, chocolate pudding, roasted tomatoes on a puff pastry with yummy herbs mmmmmmmm I can almost smellllllllll the food..it could be a logistical nightmare at first, having to get used to the different sections and what they're for, but in the end it'll be foodie heaven once it gets going :-)

Ode to my AGA

I can't wait to get started
I hope you don't get burnt and easily clarted
Shiny and inviting
This is oh so exciting
Simmer, boil, roast and bake
How much foodie heaven can I take?
Steamy stuff
No its not Smudger in the buff
This oven looks strong and tough
It'll have to be with all our mad plans
Ooh heavy pots and pans
What a work out it'll be
But at least my creativity will be set free
Death to the ready meal
This is the real deal
Proper cooking
The local pizza shop and chinese won't get a look in
Tomorrow I'm going to give it a go
I might go 'oh no'
I might be thrilled to bits
The prospect is sweeter than the yummiest biscuit
Move over boys
And those horrid Ann Summers 'toys'
This really turns me on
Hoping its not a con
It might be too flash
A waste of cash
Posy and not practical
Might burn myself to death and end up in hospital
Oh shut up Orangina give it time
With patience the cooking should be sublime
Bring it on people I'm up for it
The superchef's fire has been lit!!!

Purr-fect Days for Orangina the Opulent Diva

2007-10-14T21:00:00.000+01:00

Gucci sunglasses on the way
Big cheeky grin on display
I'm finally finding my feet, coming out of my shell
That scary observation...why did I worry?? Outstanding, brilliant, you've done really well
A tweak here and there and a bit more self belief and I'll fly even higher
My nerves were on a tightrope wire
Splitting headache fraying nerves I thought I was going to trip
Despite the success I'm still cracking the whip
Forty five minutes on the jogger
All day every day thinking over my plans for the next lesson
I have a confession
I am a workaholic
A perfectionist
I should be on the men in white coat's "sectioning" list
Designing a worksheet
Making sure the folder's up to date and neat
Calm down dear have a break
How much more can your brain take?
Desire for that certain blond bloke still bubbling over
How do I manage to keep sober?
Trip to Blacktoft Sands
All sorts of pinned up notes, scribbles and plans
Things to do things to follow up things to think about
My life has suddenly got momentum, some serious clout!
No longer bored Cinders scrubbing dishes everyday
(Although I still do chores anyway)
Thriving career girl on the rise
Burning enthusiasm for the beautiful game never dies
Still passionate about footy
Her mind is still mucky
(Thinking of you know who ..."her" bit of "rough")
Gunning for glory
Wants a fairy tale ending to her story
Running the Creative Writing class is fun
As is giggling at 'Dear Jane' in The Sun
Tippex Boy
Fish Gob.....whatever you want to call him...she's not interested in an Ann Summers toy
Nor a dirty magazine
Or a Westlife poster - not her scene!
Bring on the Smudger lock him in a room with me
Throw away the key........ ;)

Slave Driver

2007-10-09T22:48:00.000+01:00

Hot on the heels of getting the latest Sportingo article published in the letters page and a surprisingly successful first session at Cottingham - only three learners were unsure as they expected the previous tutor to take the course but ultimately although there were more beginners than improvers, we can all learn something new and we might think we know how to do something but we might not be able to put it into practice. Plus its alright saying oh I've been published already and looking me up and down as if I'm not worthy but I've got an old cynical head on (reasonably) young shoulders, I'm a tough old bird, I might look like I've just left school but in my mind I'm a wise old owl whose been divorced several times, had one two many children and shared way too many trysts in the corner of dodgy clubs on a detour back to University digs....all in all I think the happy go lucky, largely chilled out attitude and fresh face will liven things up, stir things up and provoke debate and reaction. From jolly thirtysomething from gentle natured grandad its a mixed bunch and I'm determined to inspire them. One wrote "I need someone to drag it (the creative writing) out of me" another wrote "I don't know if I'm any good at poetry" Writing three words to describe oneself and mixing them up and guessing whos who made things fun and dropping the odd joke in here and there, sharing my Leeds article with a distinguished French born guy who hadn't read for 40yrs with connections to a Telegraph writer really has whetted my appetite I've been non stop, designing diagrams, adventurous aims, laborious slaving over lesson plans, hopefully it'll all pay off on Thursday!!! I am weirdly enjoying the pressure!!

Here is an extract from an email originally sent to my Auntie about the last few days
Just been watching Ross Kemp on Gangs - Ross went to Poland to see the violent footy thugs and I have to say I have never seen something so disturbing in my entire life. To think that most of the thugs were related to real victims of the very violence they profess to love and respect ie the nazi regime was just mindblowing, but such extreme poverty provokes extreme reactions from certain sections of society. That desperation can be fed upon by the vultures otherwise known as skinheads/racists/neo nazi thugs, giving people a sense of importance, pride in belonging to a brotherhood/gang and having a sense of status, their only purpose being to usurp other gangs and hate everyone but their own. Unbelievable, thought provoking stuff. Its on Sky Anytime at the moment. I've seen some thuggy football fans but that lot made any of the guys I've seen, look like pussycats.
Anyway...on another note I've been very busy finalising my scheme of work, printing off worksheets and filling in info in my file for Thursday. I'm getting into the swing of it and hopefully Sue, my colleague who is coming to help and observe the lesson, will find it interesting and enjoyable. Other than that I've been doing the usual chores, we've got a couple more kittens who are really chocolate box cute, who are ready to be rehomed, one's already gone tonight as they'd been homechecked and had been waiting a while for a kitten..just need a big push for the poor lovely adult cats like Puddy and Roma who are lovely characters but just need patience and understanding..Fingers crossed a few more posters and pushing in the papers will shift something..
I went to York Railway Museum yesterday with a learning disabled group from Adult Education in Goole it was quite fun as I knew most of the learners from my other classes. Ken, who I showed round, is really funny, he helps the other learners to get out of doing work himself so its often hard to gauge the extent of his disabilities. He can't write very well and struggles to read when pressed to do some work, yet is quite capable of having a reasonable conversation and taking things in, so its not too much hard work, He can crack a joke, which some of the other more mentally disabled learners can't do. John joined us, hes in the beginner readers group I do on a Wednesday so again he's alright, hes similar to Ken except he does get more easily distracted by other people he finds it very hard to concentrate.

I went round the museum with a video camera and asked them what they wanted me to film and got them to comment and point to different things they liked or thought was interesting, which was quite a lark. It really made me realise how interesting and rewarding this sort of work is. It would do alot of people outside of education a great deal of good to see what goes on at these centres, they should feel grateful that they have so many opportunities that these people haven't had from an early age. Its good to do these trips it gets them out of their self contained flats/warden-run housing and helps them integrate alot more. Some of them have little part time jobs, either voluntary or paid, but even then they are still in a bubble of work, adult ed classes, work, adult ed classes etc and don't really see "life" as us guys know it. Next Wednesday we're off to Blacktoft Sands, the nature reserve, so hopefully the weather will be kinder than today's yucky weather!! It really made me cheesed off and lethargic it was a battle of epic proportions to finish my planning and get some decent work done but I got there..funny how the weather does that to you...

Well Alan's got a slight knee injury and of course Dads going on and on and on about it I said to him tonight what would you do if he dropped dead tomorrow you'd have to find something else to tease me about, Dad said he'd laugh and spit on his grave. I just get the feeling whatever I do whoever it is he'd still take the mick. But Smithy is an easy target, he looks like a fish, swears alot, went to my most hated team ever and collects cards quicker than you can say "dirty leeds"!!! Ho hum........well he can never be accused of being boring. I hate boring men. I don't do stereotypical pretty boy nicey nicey blokes like some pumped up preened Calvin Klein model with the personality of a fermenting over microwaved pea. LOL. Anyway...it doesn't sound very serious and he's not a wimp (four stitches from an accidental clash of heads at the weekend something he does alot - clumsy clown...remember him doing that at leeds once and it was right in front of our stand...normally I'd appreciate a close up view of him but that wasn't what I was after!!!!!!!) so I should think he'll probably have painkilling injections and come on for about ten mins or so if he's lucky at the end of the game. Its only a matter of time before he scores a goal and everyone realises that he's not rubbish hes not finished and hsi goal scoring record doesn't tell the whole story. I think I should get paid as his promoter or something, Ha ha.

Oh and last but not least of course, Leeds won 1-0 against Darlington in the Johnstones Paint Trophy (yeah I know, long way down the pecking order from the Champs League but we'll take it...)nice headed goal by a newcomer we bought from....wait for it...Newcastle...see...there's a link...lolololol so all is well wtih the world....

On that note guys, goodnight, I hope to add another entry soon

Going For It!

2007-09-30T18:39:00.001+01:00

I pushed myself and went to my singing lesson this morning and it paid off, worked on a new piece, gossiped about the X Factor, I was on a real high. Then I got back and saw my article on Leeds was in the 'Sports Letters' section of the Yorkshire Post. Brilliant. It also got published on football365.com's emails page. Nice... Things are definitely looking up and its all good stuff posting it on different sites, getting known, spreading the word. I wrote this funny reply to the article on football365 as they teased me about it not having any reference to Alan Smith in it...

"I bet that shocked my faithful fellow football fanatics that I wrote an article about something other than Smudger....must check my temperature......Well today you're not going to be disappointed. I just want to throw a full diva strop about Sam Allardyce doing a Fergie and blatantly taking Alan's versatility a little too far. Pushing Al to right midfield is a bit like trying to get me to do my times tables - slow, painful, frustrating and not very funny! He's battled on admirably but it doesn't take Einstein to work out its just ridiculous"

" Slaving away in an unfamilar, unforgiving position is no substitute for skill unfortunately. Allardyce either bites the bullet and tries him upfront a bit more often, to get his confidence back or risks wasting a tenacious talent that deserves better. I'm pleased he's playing regularly and its evident both on and off the pitch he's alot happier but with Owen crumbling away quicker than an Oxo cube stuck on a red hot hob and Viduka suffering from the obligatory twinge here and there, sooner or later Smudger's going to have to get a more prolonged chance back upfront. He can do it. Honest."

I'm definitely full of beans today, rather strange, I've tidied up my room, got rid of lots of rubbish and recycling stuff, its been a real buzz of activity, answering the phone, emailing, chatting, suddenly its 12.20pm. Where has the time gone today?? Not much planned this afternoon, someone who adopted a kitten from us is coming round with her later on and I've got to feedback the information on the Pet Action Day to the papers before the day's out to make sure it hits the deadline for this week. No pressure then.... I'm really excited its great to get noticed and feel appreciated, I feel in the mood for a big party with cocktails, karaoke and flirtatious fun with a few suited and booted blond blokes (what am I like...)

Or should that be reduced to 'a blond bloke' ?You all know of whom I speak. There's no escape..I keep thinking, dreaming and emailing about him. Hell, even my Auntie emailed about him today. "What a nice article about our Alan [an article I emailed to her from the online version of the Telegraph, I think it was] He certainly comes accross as an enthusiastic and ordinary bloke which is rather appealing. I watched the newcastle game and thought the kit was rather fetching on him" Everyone seems to have been caught into the web of Smudger in one way or another. Quite amusing... Auntie Alison wrote an email about how Uncle Iain's applied for a headship in Cornwall, a good hour at least, away from where they live now, and how she was worrying about how everyone else would cope with that as my Grandparents aren't getting any younger. This was my reply..

"Hi there
I just wish they'd take a chance and put him upfront now Owen's crocked but he's doing ok in midfield..just not his best or preferred position. Better than collecting splinters up the backside on the bench at Man U though, to be fair..."

"So sorry to hear about Holly, that sounded awful, I meant to tell Mum about it. You seem to have such bad luck with animals sometimes...our kitties have got a home, a couple passed a home visit and came to view them yesterday and thought they were really sweet. The lady's husband was very soppy with them it was so funny as he was the one who initially wasn't sure about having a pair..always the way..when you go see the cats you feel like you just can't say no...(!)"

"Cornwall is a lovely place to live from what I can gather, Glen is still young enough to adjust and you'd always have a connection with the cemetry with going back to see Grandad and Grandma anyway. Its a huge thing to do but sometimes a clean break altogether gives a kick up the bum to everyone and perhaps in some ways, being where you are now, you're kind of stuck a little and in a bit of a rut at times. I could've said no to the job at Cottingham because its not local but I went for it because it was an opportunity I might not get again. In a similar vein, Cornwall could be your chance to rediscover yourselves and start living again. Leaving Grandad and Grandma might be tricky but they'd want you to be happy and its not like you're traipsing all the way up to Yorkshire to live. But anyway..its all up in the air until Iain definitely gets the job. I hate change but sometimes you have to do it. I changed my room, chucked lots of stuff away and felt really refreshed and focused on life, it made me realise how cluttered and stressed I was. Now I'm up for anything"
"I have got rid of the cold but not the throaty cough, but its getting there. I got an article on Leeds published in the Yorkshire Post today which was quite nice. A few people I know have seen it and commented on it. Will have to send it, have a good day, G"

It really is good to talk, clear the air and get things off one's chest. Emailing and texting is great because sometimes when you're on the phone or face to face its easy to chicken out of saying exactly what you mean or have been thinking for ages but never got round to saying or having the guts to spit out whatever it is that's on your mind.. I showed my article to Mum and she really liked it, Dad thought it was good, but of course your family are never going to say its rubbish but there again they wouldn't have published it if it was just a load of random badly spelt or incoherent ramblings..

Today has still been dominated by answering the phones about potential adopters, cats in general, fostering etc etc oh and debating the hot potato that is Heidi and Jane aka the immovable force versus the immovable object. Jane T the chair comes across as very efficient but she's more of a delegator than a doer, so to speak, my way or the highway so to speak, she thinks Heidi could do more as she and her 'call a spade a spade' ex bank manager husband (Lexus driver, smoothie, funny but infuriatingly tight man) are not too happy with Heidi the vet and the way she operates but she is a strong minded dog lover rather than a cat lover and thinks she could do better off without the RSPCA as its getting too hassly. At the end of the day her business is thriving, most of us have a good relationship with her bar a few annoying incidents with animals she's done her best and us likewise. We're all in it for the animals but it seems egoes and posturing, patheticness and pandering on both sides has caused one or two nasty little spats and scenes. There's only going to be a lose/lose situation at this rate as Jane T's diva demands and Heidi's stubborn stern attitude force my rehoming coordinator Mum into the middle of the boxing ring and me on the sidelines muttering a few words of discontent.Add to that the dazed and confused other members of the RSPCA who don't have a clue what's going on. Charities eh, most of us have good intentions but there's one or two of us that could do with a reality check and a kick up the hooter....

Anyway, I almost chickened out of choir but skulked in fashionably late, bit croaky but I survived. Watched the end of Midsomer Murders and an episode of Jeremy Kyle - car crash TV but a lot of fun...even though it shouldn't be... I tell you what really tickled but repulsed me at the same time, a woman wrote into a problem page column to say her husband had told her that he'd got pubic lice from a towel at the gym but she was unconvinced and believed he was cheating on her (eurgh yuck yuck) the doctor wrote back and said unfortunately it was highly unlikely that he'd contracted it at the gym as its most common with sexual contact as it goes from hair to hair, so to speak. Yuck. And again, yuck...makes you want to scratch.....!!!
With that lovely note
Goodnight :-)

Pumping Up The Passion!

2007-09-30T18:39:00.000+01:00

I woke up a bit disgrunted and disorientated as Dad shouted 'turn that alarm off!!!!!' at 9.13am. its amazing what two small slices of toast and a large glass of Innocent smoothie can do to your head! Before too long I was buzzing with anticipation and action packed plans for my Creative Writing revised scheme of work.

Whilst Mum went off to do a home visit and Dad wandered round waiting for her, I stayed at home. Normally I would've been bored out of my skull, surfing random sites and flicking absentmindedly through the Sky channels as if someone had suddenly stolen my brain and replaced it with a dysfunctional drained thing with lights flashing but no one seemingly answering the door. But no, today was different. Today I was determined to go for it and 'push on' to use a Marco Pierre White phrase. I typed up the rest of my schemes of work, sorted out the photocopying, retyped a few worksheets and handouts, smiled broadly with pleasure at my buzz of energy and boundless enthusiasm for my new baby. I don't enjoy the ones that are sick on you but the metaphorical ones in the form of little tiny ideas that grow up into big ambitious, adrenaline fuelled monsters growling and grasping for growth and change. I know, what the heck am I on about? I just feel like I'm riding the crest of a wave and finding a niche in life. I just want as many people as possible to see, appreciate and join in the fun that is my life and share what I have to offer. I am really enjoying the challenge and although I'm more than a little apprehensive about the teaching observation the following week its all good, I don't want to slouch around coughing and spluttering like I've just seen Smudger naked in my shower(!) I want to be busy and thriving. I know I keep saying all this but I'm very conscious of the fact that I'm 24 going on 25 and quite a few people my age are either married, got kids, in long term relationships or in a steady job. Thank god I took the plunge (no I'm not talking about a shock boob job or a dodgy tattoo or even a wedding at Gretna Green to a random man...) to accept the Creative Writing job offer, its good to talk, get out, see life beyond cat litter, Alan Smith on gettyimages.com and Dave the builder's millionth cup of char...!!! All I need now is to recharge the batteries on the love life front, there's been one or two flickers of light but thats all...

I've been a bit up and down lately, I've just about got back to my bubbly bold self, I hope to go out to York with friends soon if we can get organised before the next millennium. I've got so many plans, so many ideas, so many things that are floating around my head, dreams of publishing my poetry, getting headhunted by a top press honcho, finding out to my great surprise but obvious delight that Mr Smith does actually remember that I exist and agrees that we'd make a potty but perfect pair. This Creative Writing course and working at Adult Ed in general is great for me, its really helping me to bounce around ideas and get all philosophical and energetic about life, really makes me think..I'm a character and a half..I love writing poetry, I enjoy sharing story ideas, chatting about gossip mags and noseying about random stuff in newspapers, I hope when I'm old I'm in a place that's like something off Midsomer Murders and I can help some fit looking detective seargent that looks like Troy (too many Tia Maria coffees at bedtime is slowly weaning me off my blond men fixation..I actually like a dark haired bloke bloody hell take my temperature please someone??)

Anyway folks, at least I only sound like Deidre from Corrie now, as opposed to Darth Vader on one or two fags too many and I've got all my course handouts, schemes of work etc all organised like some saddo secretary gagging for a payrise (and I don't mean of the personal favours from the boss variety boom boom tsk tsk naughty naughty...) Bring on manic Monday....if I can bear to get up. I'm always a grumpy Orangina on a Monday morning and the phone always sounds like the death knell to me..its rarely for me, someone always wants something that I either can't deal with, don't want to deal with or will only deal with if I really have the time or am forced to.....oooh miaowwww get me!!

My Love Life Could Heat Up Quicker Than An AGA???

2007-09-28T10:49:00.000+01:00

I feel alot better today, I slept in til 9.30. I was woken up by a very graphically randy dream about Alan which wasn't very surprising, except he was calling the shots rather than the other way round which amused me. I like to think I can boss him about but he does have a sulky mind of his own and if Alan can't be arsed, he can't be arsed, he's not a shrinking violet. LOL.
Anyway....today I'm just sorting RSPCA stuff out, tidying up, usual boring stuff, my friend Alex is coming round this evening for a chat. I won't do too much today as tomorrow is going to be mega busy with the Pet Action Day 10am-4pm free microchipping, free neutering, free vaccinations for rabbits, free healthchecks etc etc I'm going to dress up as a cat (yes really) and walk down the street with placards advertising the event. Alan would definitely be amused by it. I like dressing up,. Always have done. ;-)Some days when I'm feeling a bit low about Al or life in general, I remind myself of some of the articles I've written and some of the things I've achieved. I'm particularly proud of this article on Alan when he wouldn't make his mind up about leaving Old Trafford
http://www.sportingo.com/football/alan_smith_needs_find_new/1001,3882

It was a real turning point for me. Because it was based around a letter I'd sent to Al around the same time, it was a really honest, heartfelt plea. Then when he left, I felt like you know what I think he's actually listening to me.LOL. Although there has been niggling doubts and I'd questioned my sanity more than once, I realised that a) my obsession could be put to good use and b) there was nothin better than going public with exactly what was torturing one's soul.
Too often I either bottle things up or let it all out and writing things like that allows me to achieve peace of mind and share my feelings. I really enjoyed writing the recent Leeds article too. It makes me realise what I'm capable of doing when I believe in myself. I found myself eyeing up a wedding cake in Bettys at Harrogate last night. Dad said to Mum "Thats a bit worrying Jane, Georgina's looking at a wedding cake" Ha ha ha. Ha ha ha. I only said "that must have taken alot of work...it looks impressive doesn't it?" lololololololololol Oh I've got them worried big time....................................cos the thing is..........they know that could mean only one person coming back into the fray. Dum de dum dum dummmmmmmmmmmmm eeek for them (laughs) Stranger things have happened........

Every Cloud Has A Silver Lining...

2007-09-26T16:57:00.000+01:00

Last night I was feeling pretty low. Only one person turned up for the Creative Writing course, Newcastle lost and I was in the grip of a nasty cold contracted from my disgusting Dad who has done nothing but cough and splutter all weekend over anyone and everyone despite constant pleas to get it checked at the Doctors. Very frustrating. I woke up this morning like a bear with a sore head, far from cuddly, nose like a dripping tap and a throat rougher than Britney Spears on another bender....just what else could go wrong? All this hope, all this promise..........I was pretty gutted although I took heart from the fact my colleague Sue said she'd put in a good word for me elsewhere, I felt like I was back to square one.

But then out of the blue I got a phonecall that was to change everything. I got offered a post at Cottingham Adult Education teaching a similar Creative Writing course, to start next week. Its not an ideal location given that I don't drive and it caused a few ructions and panicky tears when I debated whether to take up the offer, as I had a minor hospital appointment the day its due to start and Dad was absolutely against it saying 'its your life but it'll take you ages to get another appointment you can't really change it now' But I said to Mum I don't want to be stuck here wondering what if, its a good opportunity and its getting paid for something I want to do. I didn't feel convinced that Id get another opportunity like this for some time. So I went for it. Ten people have enrolled and they're pretty happy to check my details with my boss at Boothferry and go along with my lesson plans that I had in mind for Vermuyden. Relieved? You betcha.. I have had enough of waiting around for my chance, typing on the Internet and the odd 'purr-fect tale' submission in the local press is all well and good but I need to gain more respect, get out there, get noticed and get my own dosh in the bank, not feel like the family gooseberry black sheep figure without a job or much prospects.

Its been a slow burner today apart from that, just playing with the naughty kittens, answering the phone, tidying up, sniffling, snuffling and sifting through and sending information on my Creative Writing course ideas, maybe I'll look back on this day, years from now, and think that was a huge turning point in my life. It'll be a bit of a pain negotiating buses, trains and taxis but I did it at University ok and Cottingham is just outside of Hull so its not as far as one thinks, really. Onwards and upwards, finally!!!! :-)

Creative Genius or Frazzled Fallen Angel - You Decide!

2007-09-24T12:26:00.000+01:00

My latest offering from Sportingo.com is below... I've been up to my eyeballs in lesson plans, courses, forms and paintball kitten poo(!) just lately so apologies for deserting my blogging duties for a little while but I'm back with a vengeance. I start my first teaching post teaching Creative Writing at a local school tomorrow evening I'm flapping around like a freaked out fish out of water but with a bit of composure and a healthy dose of nerves to keep my feet firmly on the ground I should be fine. Super Smudge had a decent game yesterday. All in full HD glory. Mmm. We became part of the 'SKY HD family' as they nauseatingly put it, the other day, you see. The picture is as sharp as my claws ripping into various random 'celebrities whilst reading Heat Mag, so far so good....anyway enjoy my latest Sportingo offering and I hope to submit a longer blog entry in the near future, if I'm still alive after tomorrow night(!)

Leeds United in seventh heaven as results turn out all white

A record-breaking seven wins on the trot and the possibility of a relegation curse being finally lifted. Has Lady Luck finally found Elland Road?

Leeds United's killer 15-point blow seemed a little below the belt for an already battered and bruised club - and everyone wrote them off even before a ball was kicked in League One. With their near neighbours Rotherham relegated after a points deduction not so long ago, the spectre of the Grim Reaper loomed large and a few disgruntled former players, staff and financial backers were threatening to hammer home the final nail in the coffin. It seemed like Leeds were ready for the last rites.

Then came the miracle as United finally regained consciousness. The fallen giants have awoken from the 15-point nightmare and climbed up to reach out for the key in the door - 18th in the table after a 2-0 win against Swansea. What's all the fuss about, I hear you cry? Not before time? We would have been several points clear of the rest if we hadn't had that points deduction.

Well I have to say, if severely punishing steadfast fans and battle-bruised players for the board's discrepancies (yes Bad Santa aka Ken Bates, I'm looking fairly and squarely at you to an extent) helps to motivate a team, then maybe that was one of the best things to happen in some time - a long overdue wake-up call.
After the win against Swansea, Leeds fans would be forgiven for reacting with feverish enthusiasm and waxing lyrical about the likes of 'Bullet' (Jermaine) Beckford, 'Reliable' (Frazer) Richardson and 'Classy' Tresor Kandol in the same breath as mentioning the legendary Billy Bremner, Peter Lorimer and Gordon Strachan.

Clean sheets, confidence soaring and expectation sky-high as players and fans demonstrate a personification of the club's anthem 'Marching On Together'. They are united in euphoria with players huddled excitedly on the half-way line, a crowd of just over 29,000 cheering and chanting wildly as if they had just claimed a cup. Leeds are seemingly no longer playing Russian roulette with survival, allegedly less in the red and more in the black while chasing the coveted jackpot prize of promotion.

Dennis Wise was seen by many as a menace to the future of the club; rows, point-scoring between current management, maligned ex-managers and overpaid ex-players not to mention his close relationship with not-so-cuddly father figure Mr. Bates.The chairman's farcical poison-pen antics in the match programme amongst other alleged not-so-transparent dodgy dealings threatened not only to blacken Wise's name but also derail the whole roller-coaster.
Yet suddenly Leeds got up from the canvas and adopted an admirable siege mentality, a tough 'them and us' attitude reminiscent of the golden age of the 1970s which had risen from the ashes and breathed new life into the club. Like a grumpy but eager old Yorkshire terrier dog - we might not have many teeth left but bug us and with what little we have left, we'll bite...hard. And bark out loud and proud!

Gone is the leaky defence, replaced with a watertight ring of steel. The formerly frail, shot-shy strikers are trailing a blaze of glory, the messed-up midfield is muscling in energetically into the fray and the goalkeeper no longer wears the expression of one who has seen a few ghosts too many. There should also be an appreciative nod or two to Casper Angkeren, whose name didn't mean a thing to anyone in England but certainly the Leeds fans are happy to know his name. And to former bad boy David Prutton, infamous for doing a Di Canio and assaulting a referee during a match. He has almost become an honorary Yorkshireman with his fiery, gutsy determination to shake off his derogatory tag.

Yes I'm proud to be a Leeds fan right now but it's a little too early to start planning a potential victory parade. I'm optimistic that for once, it's going to be an 'all-White' Christmas - yes I'm thinking about it already. I just hope our squad, one of the smallest in the league, doesn't get stuffed with injuries like it always seems to do around that vital period.
All too often the winter has been one hellish hangover. The Chelski Revolution may have hit the buffers at Stamford Bridge but the Chelsea pensioner and his fellow ex-Blues old boy are pushing full steam ahead for a promotion party.

Pearls of Wisdom Gleaming Out From the Gloom

2007-09-16T13:49:00.000+01:00

I had a really good time last night chilling with mates from Adult Ed went round a couple of pubs, it was alot of fun. I really feel like I'm getting the fun back into my life I don't feel so serious or desperate about anything like I so often used to. Maybe Mr Smith's positivity is rubbing off on me a little...a couple of Leeds fans who are friends with Claire, my mate from Adult Ed, were chatting to me about Al and we were saying what a waste of time Man U was for him, it could've totally ruined everything and for a time it did feel like it had done terminal damage to his sense of humour and fun. Alan became way too serious and miserable. Poor fella. I was miserable and felt worthless because I didn't feel like anything I said or did was good enough. If I've learnt anything in the last year or so its this, sometimes you don't need to say anything at all to be understood. Sometimes the best thing you can do is let someone fly away to heal themselves. The more I pushed Al to leave Man U, the more he dug his heels in. The minute I caved in and almost felt resigned to him staying another season, suddenly things changed and he realised that there was very little to stay at Old Trafford for.

Sunday Sermon..

2007-09-09T14:32:00.000+01:00

Ever had that feeling where you think you've got so much to give but no one's quite picked you up on their talent radar yet and that there's so many things you can do, want to do and think you could do but you're just not sure which way to turn? Have you ever thought hang on a minute am I just a small fish in a large pond or am I going to leap out and cry Eureka one morning and do something extraordinary other than ranting on my blogger, scrubbing away kitten poo with a dab of Flash, being told you've got a 'good turn of phrase' only for someone else to put their name on the byline of your press release just pasted and copied on to a published version of the local paper? Well this is what was haunting me last night. Haven't fared much better today either, I know Marco Pierre White keeps ranting "fingers are for burning" but what about skinny wrists and kitten claw scarred arms?? I'm definitely on a different planet at the moment. Just not sure I like the sound of touching back down on planet Earth....
I texted the following to my friend Janine last night and I think it sums up alot of things about me right now, I want to reach out, I want to feel confident but its oging to take more than a smattering of Benefit lippy and spot concealer(!) "I feel a bit isolated. I've achieved alot but my heart cant help its sinking feeling. I am glad I'm back at Adult Education soon and singing [lessons] start again on Monday, keeps me sane and focused. I am very fortunate but I'fd give it all up to work things out with him [if you've read my recent blog entries you'll know this refers to a certain blonde twentysomething male I still refuse to admit my feelings to face to face for ridiculous fear of rejection] I almost cried looking at the Geordie [Newcastle United] shirt [I bought myself a Newcastle shirt which Smudger on the back but such was my shame I couldn't quite admit that it was me that bought it, when Mum signed on the dotted line for the aforementioned article I said a friend had bought it as a present - ignorance is bliss but denial is dangerous - I'm swimming with the sharks neck deep in it!] I'd been so afraid, so ashamed that I could email and write about him but couldn't say what my heart was screaming at me to say. Its been a huge, huge release him leaving Man U [but instead of making me feel free, its left me feeling like a roasted chicken scorching to death in a pressure oven, squawking in vain at the claustrophobia - he's an hour away, within my grasp but I feel paralysed with fear by it] God I was so tortured. I can finally be open and not be afraid of anything [yeah right, easier said than done why do you think so many people IM and text instead of meeting face to face these days??] but my own chickenheadedness [I'm a walking definition of that]!
So here endeth the Sunday lesson, time to be brave and face the music, back to reality soon, singing tomorrow, the gym, smelly cat dishes, usual stuff, maybe just maybe Prince Charming is around the corner, that's if his Satnav hasn't gone on the blink..........??

Frazzled and Fed Up

2007-09-06T22:34:00.000+01:00

Speedy fingers scorched on the PC
Been such a busy bee
Typing up articles for RSPCA Action Day
All work no play
Snatches of gossip and a smattering of Jeremy Kyle
Quelled the blues for a little while
Cousin and boyfriend provided some comedy
Its clear to see
She's a walking Bingo advert - eyes down look in sort of bimbo
Not my style, no no no!!
Her bloke's alright but he's a Man U fan and a womaniser
As appealing to me as a yucky can of nasty cider
Made cups of tea, tidied up, answered the phone
I don't like to be negative I don't enjoy a moan
But going out for tea spoiled what was a busy but largely productive time
Food was so appetising that I'd rather have eaten green slime
Nah it wasn't that terrible
But at the same time it wasn't really edible
Needed a saw for my pizza what a tough dough
Premium pizza? I don't think so..
Asked for no olives and got a shed load
This evening felt like snogging a frog in the hope of it turning into a prince and it changes to a warty toad!
Way too may cat phone calls
Crawling up the walls
My stomach is a walking Gaviscon advert
Brain on red alert
Wrung out like a dish cloth
All I need now is to see some huge moth
Hanging from my light to freak me out
I'm not in the best of moods without a doubt!

It's as clear as black and white..a sunny outlook for a change!

2007-09-05T21:24:00.000+01:00

I got my 'Smudger 17' Newcastle shirt I ordered on the web over the weekend, road tested it on the treadmill in the gym, got quite a few comments catching the bus from friends, ranging from "I thought you were a Leeds fan?" "Whats that?" and "Good idea using another teams shirt to disguise the fact you're a Leeds fan" What are people saying about me????

All joking aside, I feel refreshed and revitalised today, really happy and up for it, perversely proud of my Newcastle shirt, perhaps its a symbol of my newfound confidence and strength, not afraid to challenge myself and do something different, be true to myself instead of hiding behind this busy busy Cinderella-esque woman who is striving too much, trying too hard, giving oneself a damn hard time when this hot chick is going places! I dropped by at Adult Ed after the gym and found out that four people have already enrolled on the Creative Writing course, considering the area that my place of work occupies is more Dumping Ground than Dallas in large chunks, thats pretty commendable for a first run of a non Skills For Life course. So thats very exciting for me. Scary, but exciting. Also I've got dates (hold the slushbucket music on the pause button guys not in the romantic sense sadly!!) for the two voluntary classes I do - Beginners Readers and the Skills For Life cookery so it's full steam ahead for a hectic Autumn, just the way I like it :-)
The five kittens I'm looking after are rather cute, climbing up my leg and attempting to kill my Armani slippers at every opportunity (unfortunately 7wk old kittens can't differentiate between Armani and ASDA slippers!!!!!!) I'm enjoying watching Marco "Psycho" Pierre White on Hell's Kitchen, I'm loving the way he gets his diners ejected - remember people, don't bite the hand that feeds you, especially if his name is Marco! Very entertaining stuff.
I don't have much else to say other than I'm still feeling a tinge of sadness that I won't get to the Newcastle v Spurs game in October. Anyone would've thought an adored pet or love of my life had just died the way a lump in my throat appeared and my eyes went all sad like a lost puppy when my friend said University and the fact it was a Monday night prevented her from getting tickets and attending. Gutted doesn't cover it. All dressed up in black and white and no where to go.......will anyone take pity??? Watch this space.......

Down in the Dumps!!

2007-09-02T21:59:00.000+01:00

Woke up earlier than usual ready to face the day
Had good intentions but things really didn't go my way
First I got the times wrong for an RSPCA microchipping clinic
It really made me sick
A cute little white Scottie Dog was done by Jolly Janet
She made me panic
Microchipping'skills' gung-ho
I felt rubbish and low
Especially when the dog bled quite badly
I didn't really want to see
One form filled in - rushed by bossy Julie in my ear
By half 11 I felt 'I'm not wanted and I wasn't really needed here!"
Making vegetable soup calmed me a little
But not even an E number packed Skittle
Could've made life sweeter today
My best mate texts the words I least wanted her to say
"I don't think I'll get to Newcy to be honest I will be in a job or at University"
Him/Her up in the sky is clearly taking the 'p'!!
I realised how much I wanted to go
When suddenly I felt this plummeting, lurching, sickening low
When will I ever get to a game
To be fair my friend's not to blame
I just daren't ask my Dad to take me
I'm a busy bee
For the next month or so which makes things difficult
I'll just have to grin, bear it..nah...just sulk..........sulk....and...er...sulk
I adore Al, I have to put things straight
But I can't expect it just to be handed on a plate
Time I just swallowed my pride and told my Dad
He's not all that bad
He'll call him gayboy and take the mick!
Insults laid on thick!
But he knows deep down, I'm sure, how I feel
This shouldn't be a big deal

Nothing Much To Say Nothing Much To Do Roll on 9pm when Big B's on again..it's that predictable today!

2007-08-28T19:45:00.000+01:00

Balls up - Mum used the wrong flour in the dumplings so my raging Gym Freak hunger pangs caused me to scoff it down at 7pm and eat three Dutch Shortcake biscuits which I didn't really want but felt I had to eat as I still wasn't satisfied. What WAS the point of the gym today?!

Oh my god - Someone got 'splattered', reportedly, this evening a lorry overturned in a collision with another vehicle not far from our village so I twiddled my thumbs at the garage waiting for things to clear to get a lift home with Dad.

Raring to go - No where to go. Everyone's either skint, tired or tongue tied (if you know what I mean). Hmph. Roaring Twenties? More like Snoring Twenties. The highlight of my day should NOT be waiting for Big B to come on or hearing that Leeds have avoided an embarrassing twatting (hopefully) at the hands of Pompey tonight.

Excited - I'm excited about my career prospects just a shame I can't be as ecstatic about my social life right now..

Dangerous - Purple nail varnish Jean Paul Gaultier perfume and a diva of a dance routine, the short ass is definitely deadlier than the dumb blonde!!! :-)

Floating Along Drifting Away From Reality

2007-08-27T23:20:00.000+01:00

Doing chores to distract me
Longing for my heart to be set free
Burning the calories on the jogger
Typing more random thoughts on the blogger
Sweating, procrastinating over one's love life, singing along to James Morrison
What's going on?
Dad slices his hand by accident
Meanwhile my head's full of "does Al know what I meant?"
Worrying if I'll ever see him again
Dad's in pain
Mum's worn out
Worrying over 'nowt'
Spring cleaning the PC
Hasn't made life any clearer for me
Nor has washing cat dishes and stroking cute pussies
Bitching and gossiping about my bro's antics with young hussies
Has just made me sound like a bitter, cynical old moo
Oh what's a lovelorn twentysomething to do?
Rush in like a bull in a china shop at the magic words 'he's single'?
Or should I go out pubbing, clubbing, mingling
Taking my chances and pretending to care less when its obvious my heart aches?
Have I really got what it takes?
Am I his type or am I gone in the head?
Why do I feel so empty and lonely in such a luxurious, spacious new double bed?
Facials and making cards are all well and good
Relaxing and satisfying to a point but nothing beats a fit blonde bloke giving you a rub ;-)
Dying for fun and excitement beyond fantasies and dreams
My love life appears to be a matter of 'its a waiting game' - or so it seems..
I shouldn't really put all my eggs into one basket
I could be waiting forever until I'm past it
Tomorrow's another day life's what you make it I should spring out of bed full of beans
But life is not like it was in my carefree teens
Funerals, family crises and much more
Has seen my confidence hit the floor
Time to get the old Gina back and kick some ass
I've got style I've got class
I've got myself a job through sheer hard work and determination
Its time my love life went into germination

Past, Present and Future......

2007-08-26T22:14:00.001+01:00

When I look back at photos - Mum & Dad are rearranging photos and ive been doing a few more collective family photos in frames etc...from about three years ago or more, its interesting how happy and well I look. Not that I look past it and ugly now, theres a definite difference. Altogether more serious. I am still smiling in most of the photos but perhaps not as sincerely. I look attractive and interesting and up for a laugh but theres something empty about some of these shots, I know what it is. Its just bizarre that no matter what I do, I keep coming back to Al and I don't realise how much of a profound effect it had on me, Man U, Al, Leeds, the whole thing. I'm a much better person for the experience, I give more to charity now than I used to, not that I never did before, just more often, I don't worry about so many things and I try different stuff that I wouldn't normally be interested in but make the effort because life's too short. I definitely know that we've gone full circle, I wasn't sure which path to turn before and panicked and then lost out on a few things because of it. now I know exactly what lies ahead and what I am capable of. I owe it to myself to go to a game and shut up feeling inferior/stupid/stalkerish/ugly or whatever other negative vibe. This is it really. Crunch time.

Being Woken Up at 4.30am Two Days Running and Ridiculous Biased Bllcks from Not Very Informed "Football Fans/Experts/Loonies" Driving Me Insane

2007-08-23T19:02:00.000+01:00

Panicking over my portfolio, pratting about on the PC with flyers and cursing the pathetic printer, an Internet slower than Brian off Big B trying to read task instructions and my brain's as alert as Jade Goody in an exam situation. Not good. So obviously I didn't react very well when some daft, biased idiots started slagging Smudger off. Anyone would think I'm his overprotective mother or something. Or perhaps I'm just a sugar flavoured schmoozer who needs to get a new pair of specs?? The guy is so underrated its untrue. He only has to put a babystep, pointy toe, slight hair, out of line or place and suddenly he's a waste of space in many people's eyes. Michael Owen on the other hand can be excused more times and in as many different ways as Jordan has had sexual partners..perhaps...ahem ahem! See my rant I emailed to F365 for further hacked off lunacy from my lovely self (It's therapeutic doing this you know, cos sometimes I really feel grrrrr about some daft so called football fans who just can't see the woods from the trees)

So much fuss over the strikeforce being a spent force what about the gormless goalies!!!! Dear oh dear. The number 13 shirt for James couldn't be more appropriate and it seems, unfortunately for England, Robinson's learnt from the best in terms of howlers..oh dear..
Obviously as Smudger's biggest fan I have to comment on his game tonight - just under an hour wasn't enough and I wish the BBC would stop being oh so biased about Michael Owen "if he was 100% fit he would've put those chances away" etc etc yet if that was Smudger he would've been hung drawn and quartered and wrote off as "not even good enough for Leeds" or "mediocre" Smudger didn't do too badly he looked lively and set up Owen on a couple of occasions, couple of nice touches (and I don't just mean the daft but strangely cool hair - what am I like?!) Crouch was more like Mr Slouch - where the heck was he? What was the point? He's suspended for the next game and he knows what he can do, the Owen-Smith partnership has only been tried out in one other game when both were woefully unfit. There is some promise there and I know there's still going to be doubts over Smudger but if there's anyone whos got passion for whichever team he pulls on the shirt of, its him and that counts for as much as skill sometimes when the chips are down, injuries are piled high and morale is low I'd back Smudger to steal anyones thunder.
It can only get better and it will. If we find a decent goalkeeper and stop making so many pointless substitutions.

More Burnt than Ken Bates's ear being scorched by fed up Leeds fans but still alive and kicking!

2007-08-13T00:43:00.000+01:00

Yes I'm still here! holidaying in Dorset, another portfolio keeping me awake and (finally) a dramatic development in the Smudger saga has kept me occupied of late...oh and Big Brother (most of them make Jade Goody look intelligent but its all great brain mushing late night car crash hilarity, honest!)
Here's a few rantings and ravings for you to savour on..

Huge thumbs up to Smudger for finally realising (not before time) that it was time to leave the Theatre of Nightmares. Although I am still a die hard Leeds fan I admired Newcastle's battling qualities under Bobby Robson and have continued to cast half an eye over their results due to Milner being there, another cracking ex Leeds United player. I could see a huge weight being lifted off his shoulders looking at and listening to him at the Press Conference. I think he's an excellent buy for Newcastle, I also look forward to seeing whether, eventually, depending on injuries/Michael Owen's stop-start Toon career, he will forge another successful partniership with Pie Eater Viduka. I am so glad he's left Man U, I cannot say how relieved and happy I am. Its a risk because its (with respect) nowhere near as big a club as Man U and he's not going to be in the Champions League but I feel it will bring him on so much mentally and physically to be given a decent chance of first team football and above all, be respected more by the coaching staff. The players at Man U appeared to get on well with Alan but I think his time was cut short due to Saha not being a particularly saleable asset and Fergie seeing him as easy meat to catch the bigger fish in Tevez. Sad and a bit cruel, but I am confident Alan will bounce back this season. Woohoo no more having to watch Man U waiting forever for Smudger to get a fifteen minute cameo.Bring on the new season!!

Nice one Smudger. Get. In.There. I am very sunburnt from baking myself to death on Bournemouth beach on holiday (I may be a Leeds fan but I promise I didn't trash the local cafes, the only damage I did is writing in the sand "Leeds 4 Ever" I promise...cough cough...) but then just when I thought I couldn't get more sweaty and delirious then Smudger scores. Nice one my son.......all I need now is for someone to take Ken Bates as far away from Elland Road as possible and detained indefinitely in some faraway nut house then that really would be karma!!!

At least we got three points and Al did well for Newcastle so all is quite well in the world plus, roll the drums and get out the triumphant trumpet call, I've been offered the post of tutor, teaching an Adult Education Creative Writing course, (fingers crossed we get the numbers) at a local school, on an evening for a couple of hours. So I'm in quite a good mood right now :-) However as my career is taking off the romance stakes are flagging, in honesty.Nothing exciting to report. Unless you include Al going to Newcastle in that, as St James's Park is only an hour's train journey away and my best mate (sadly a Spurs fan boo hiss - at least LUFC had been in the Champions League Spurs always manage to miss out ha ha) is talking about trying to get tickets for Newcastle's match against Spurs at St James's. Maybe there's a glimmer of hope but I really don't want to get as deluded as a dopey dollybird dallying 'round the back' with an ever hopeful doeful expression. What do you mean you can just picture me doing that??? tsk tsk....!!

Work it Baby!!

2007-07-16T23:18:00.000+01:00

Burning calories in the gym

My patience is wearing thin

No progress on the love life

Yet another Portfolio to complete - what strife!

Working myself to a frazzle

At Marie's 50th party I did dazzle

But then when morning came I mashed my brain

Driving myself insane

Reference this support that

Interludes of respite offered by Big Brother and Snuffles the Cat

Gagging for water gagging for breaks

Yet that old demon inside my head said keep going..doesn't matter how long it takes

All work hardly any play

Today and yesterday

And the day before

Boy my head is sore

Smudger looks every inch the fish with the highlighted 'fin'

Fashion sense has gone in the bin

But who cares it brightened up my worked up bruised mind

Oh to be wined and dined

Oh to see daylight once more

Oh I'm being such a bore!!!!

Bring on tomorrow I promise to stop and think

The old grey matter has been used that much its starting to shrivel and shrink!

How I wish the Peroxide One would suddenly appear with Tia Maria liquer coffee and a broad smile on his face

Ahhh what a positive mindspace!

Stronger Without The Smudger Sending Me Schizo

2007-07-09T21:02:00.000+01:00

will not chase Alan
I will not obsess about the "situation"
I will go out and have fun
I will flirt and have a laugh
I will not turn anyone down if they chat me up and I rather like them
I will smile and laugh regardless of whatever crap I come across in the papers because life is too short to shorten it further by wondering ifs buts maybes and hows wheres and whats

Scandal rags sending me mental saying this that and the other
Has he got a lover
Why can't I love him like a friend or a brother
He doesn't love me but I adore everything about him
My chances are size O slim
I'm hot to trot
I shouldn't be losing the plot
Over a peroxide prat
Who should've left Manc by now
He's made me into a cynical paranoid miserable cow
Well you know what I'm rubbing doormat and loser off my face
Tripping to a more positive place
If he wants me hes got to chase me hard
Because right now his efforts are as lazy and sluggish as a TV addicted lump of lard
Bring it on world I can feel the change
I'm not sure he's within my range
In fact, I can do better than ol' codfish lips
Right now the sexiest thing on my mind is a plate of chips
Soaked in vinegar and gives me energy
Smudger just drains me to the core, thoughts of rejection and jealousy sting sharper than a bee
So here's to this week, a brighter time of fun
My heart no longer weighs a tonne
I'm ready to conquer, to challenge, to be pursued
I'm in a winning not a losing mood :-)

Mad As A Hatter

2007-07-04T23:12:00.001+01:00

Im just fed up of all the to-ing and fro-ing....I really hoped this time he'd leave and get a life. because its not a life, its an existence, mentally speaking, if he stays at Man U. Im almost half begging the Scum to get a striker. I feel horrible for saying that as its not nice to Al but its for the best. I felt so low when i read that he wanted to stay. It really made me question all the positive thoughts and vibes I'd had. But I should've guessed this sort of thing would happen, he's a stubborn old mule. I don't know if he feels the way I do about him. I've nailed my colours to the mast and feel like I've been hung drawn and quartered in the bargain but I'm still strong, ever hopeful and just praying he sees sense. But my resolve is going to be severely tested once again if he doesn't leave, but I'm not suggesting for one minute I'd abandon him or hate his guts. It doesn't overly change anything between us in any way.

Yet I do feel a prevailing sense of anger and resentment. He deserves better and I feel my words are falling on deaf ears but heyho...better to speak one's mind than bottle it up, whether my words are seen as wrathful or wisdom at least I'm not shying away from what is eating me up inside out. A short poem for you

Coming, going, staying
My god my nerves are fraying
What kind of twisted game are you playing?
My words are spreading down the grapevine
You're treading a thin line
But I'm not going to whinge and whine
You inspired me to write
I'm losing my appetite
For this fight
Somehow I'm going to pick myself off the floor
Go on Alan, head to the exit door
You're making my head sore!

Just when there was a glimmer of hope some people seem to be going back on their word

2007-07-03T20:47:00.000+01:00

I've been spending way too much time obsessing about this that and the other on the PC and staying up unearthly hours reading my French and being panicky and paranoid about the Peroxide One. Today's news that he's considering staying because Man U haven't bought another striker inspired me to vent my spleen with another article, pasted below. Enjoy!

Alan Smith needs to find a new challenge away from Manchester United
Tue, Jul 3, 07 13:45

Georgina Jane Petty

Alan Smith in the comfort zone at Old Trafford (Gettyimages.com)
Benchwarmer or bright talent? Either way, the former Leeds striker's got a lot of thinking to do, but will he make the leap of faith with another club?
'If he doesn't go with his head held high now, he'll be pushed into the proverbial cooking pot of the transfer market quicker than you can say lamb chop!'
Alan Smith's stubborn resistance to change, by refusing to quit Old Trafford, has me wondering whether the peroxide has finally bleached his brain as well as his barnet. My immediate reaction to a recent article claiming Smudger wanted to stay at Old Trafford was "Oh Alan! What are you like?" I can't believe he's considering staying in Manchester. Oh no! He deserves better, and if Sir Alex Ferguson really wanted him he would've told him so by now. I feel like screaming off the top of my voice "Don't do it Al!" I worry that even if he stays, and Louis Saha is out for a while, it would be just like when Ruud Van Nisterooy and Wayne Rooney were out, he'd be playing out of his skin then suddenly dropped like a hot potato in favour of the tried and tested glory boys, even when he'd done all he could.

I do understand his thinking though. European football, being part of defending champions, looks like a glossy advertisement for another United based English player making the grade for Euro 2008, the opportunity to continue gracing the likes of the San Siro and the Nou Camp. The alternative is (with respect) a dogfight with also rans for a UEFA Cup space on the hallowed turf of White Hart Lane, and company, who are undoubtedly one of the better bunch of the rest but sparkle more like Cubic Zircona than DeBeers diamonds to a Premiership footballer with high aspirations - rightly or wrongly.

But what about the famous Yorkshire pride? The snarly, full blooded Alan has been exchanged for a moody, "doormat " character who is blinded by the light of false promises and false dreams by his agent and the false sense of security offered by United's lack of transfer activity. Like a snake in the grass, they are just slithering along nicely waiting for a chance to pounce on the right target. They'll get their man but not before they've pushed out Smudger first, reluctantly or otherwise.

Bleating for a chance won't wash with a wily character like Ferguson. If he doesn't go with his head held high now, he'll be pushed into the proverbial cooking pot of the transfer market quicker than you can say lamb chop! And anyway, doesn't he get bored chewing chuddy to oblivion and only getting a few minutes here and there despite months of pain pushing for an opportunity?

It would drive me mad. He's either more deluded than Jade Goody claiming she's not racist on Big Brother or a canny businessman who's milking United for all its worth for 45 or 50k a week doing very little. Either way, it all seems a bit bleaker than an episode of Eastenders on continuous repeat if he stays at Old Trafford.I look at it this way, I really want to be a journalist but have gone for training to be a Literacy tutor supporting adults with learning difficulties. I diverted my path for job satisfaction and working somewhere I feel valued and they'll pay for the training. I could stick around doing more work experiences and hope that one day someone big will spot my online articles, but I want to be happy.

I don't want to sit around deluding myself I still write and contribute to papers and sites but it's more for pleasure than in the vain desperate search for a job. Why hasn't Alan Smith got that same get-up-and-go feeling? I'd feel like a desperately lost soul clinging to every half-hopeful job offer or promise of "we'll get back to you" as if I were on the verge of winning the lottery any day now, but secretly fearing that the debt collector would call if my lottery numbers didn't come up this week. Why isn't Alan Smith in the same mind-frame?

In a nutshell, I'm saying perhaps Alan has to alter his mindset a little. The comfort zone of lots of cash in return for collecting splinters up the leg on the bench and the odd chance here and there, or the opportunity to divert traffic towards more unknown but, perhaps, long term, more challenging territory. Deal or No Deal Mr Smith?
Why is Alan Smith happy with his safe seat at Old Trafford? Post your comments below or submit your own article to Sportingo.

Frustration frustration frustration aaaaaargh!!!

2007-06-27T23:07:00.000+01:00

I've spent the last few days bagging up, sticking, cutting, typing, cursing and scratching ones brain over making 150(!) favour bags with gem stones stuck to fancy paper with Lincolnshire sayings on the other side, for my Auntie's project - a conference for Chinese delegates in partnership with North Lincolnshire council to do with cultural diversity and as part of an ongoing educational exchange to do with her work as a schools adviser...basically I've been a total mentalist skivvy with bits of paper and counting up bags forever and ever and ever until every little last shred of my sanity was torn to bits then well and truly cremated for good measure when reading emails and online gossip about Al's supposed transfer rumours. I'm beginning to get moodier and more manic by the second, I feel like a frustrated teenager all over again!!!

And for good measure, Als not back from his hols until Tuesday, he was briefly in the country yesterday but has bogged off to Dubai whilst I sweat, suffer, sob and scream at every little last scrap of information until ungodly hour hoping and praying to every God and Deity under the Sun that he a) moves somewhere I can go watch him at, b) doesn't move to Spurs - my mate supports them and I'd be gutted I'd get ribbed every bloody minute of the day if that happened c) doesn't go abroad as that'd be a complete disaster. Nice for his tan and a complete change but for me, one step too far........Selfish of me? Yep..I know......but like the good fishgobbed one himself I'm a heart on your sleeves kind of girl and I'm not going to lie, I can't take it much longer. I had a great time out on Saturday and lapped up all the attention in the pubs and clubs and got this blond fit twentysomething called Paul slobbering over me and is now texting me regularly saying he loves me and this that and the other and I cooly (or should that be cruelly?) told him I have a good male friend who my mates think is in love with me too so join the queue of blondes what is it with you blond guys and me? (laughs) Paul is a nice enough, sweet enough guy, but this text to my best mate (The Spurs Scum) sums up the problem ...

"I've been doing alot of thinking lately I would like to bury the past [I've been rather jealous and paranoid about other women and what Alan really thinks of me beyond being friends and whether I'd burnt my bridges being outspoken with him about my hatred of Man U and pushing him to leave] and if he leaves Man U [I feel] I can.. Got enough dosh to get tickets for any Prem team and I'm always free Thursday to Sunday. i've not lost hope that I may get the old Alan back and we may be closer than we were then. [I've learnt alot and I've been more honest with him, for good or for ill I just want to chill out, do what normal twentysomethings do, hang out, find his funnybone again and help him say bye to the sulky secretive, false Alan that I've witnessed and heard of at Man U too often - he needs to reclaim his sanity and in doing so I will reclaim mine0. We suit each other for sure my family are willing to accept him [I was scared of talking about Alan before and this made them suspicious of things, even though we were mates, to me I was the crazy girl who had a bit of a crush the size of Jade Goody's gob trying in vain to get the attentions of much lusted after male friend -seemingly all women I knew were after him, better than me and more vocal, I suffered in silence apart from the odd hint, crap joke or cryptically worded tear stained letter for years and years and in the last year or so I've suddenly burst into life, got on the ladder at Adult Education, keeping fit even more than before, the clothes are flashier, but deep down that heart still aches for one man, he may look like a fish and swear more often than Pete Bennett from Big B (Remember him? No? Oh well...google it!) but I am determined to prove my cynical self wrong and sort things out once and for all.
The text goes on..... "Al staying, moving south or acquiring a girlfriend are the only possible stumbling blocks [not very major eh? hmmmmm this could be a challenge as big as Everest!] but somehow today I saw the light and believed in myself.. it just feels natural" I feel good when I'm around him and he's calm with me he doesn't feel threatened or freaked out that I've got the smuttiest laugh in England or have a very suggestive smirk of a smile, who knows what may happen........so watch this space I guess..Goodnight!

More on Edge Than Polar Bears Dodging The Melting Ice Caps

2007-06-22T17:18:00.000+01:00

Sweltered in the heat of the gym this morning, no air con, no fun, no mercy, but I got round my usual circuit of jogging machine, bike, rowing machine, stepper, weights, etc etc ..had a frugal dinner of a few slices of cucumber and two chinese spring rolls - no I'm not on a diet I was rushing off to the hairdressers and didn't have time for much else(!) Got my hair snipped so it looked less Mullet Boy and more like Spiky Seductress (LOL! Well I'd like to think so anyway..ahem ahem) My day can be summed up with this email really - I cannot think straight, have constant headaches and keep thinking about the same damned thing... Am I frustrated? Nah not one bit (cough cough) You'd think going out tomorrow would cheer me up but nope...I'm more fed up than a Leeds fan at the latest lame joke stuffing their bulk box quicker than Viduka or Rooney in a lift together with Big Macs in their hands.. Check out what I emailed to www.football365.com it really is quite amusing how much I'm emailing about the transfer rumours, I'm latching on to every possible exit rumour going like a limpet, because I really do honestly hate him being at Man U - As if you didn't know that already....

What's all this about Newcastle signing Alan Smith? As F365 regulars will know I'm a massive fan of Smudger and have campaigned long and hard for him to wakey wakey and smell the coffee and get the hell out of the Theatre of Nightmares. I don't care where he goes as long as a) he plays as a striker b) gets regular first team football and c) its not a southern team or abroad. Point c) is really selfishness because I've had three years of watching him on the TV after many years of watching him three rows from the front every Saturday I felt pretty depressed that my Tottenham supporting friend has seen him play more often than me in recent years as she watched Spurs v Manure last year at OT and got his signature etc. Not sure the Bar Code Bunch would welcome a fiery Yorkshirewoman to the ranks though...last time I went to Newcastle the bus driver was a bit freaked out when he realised I was a Yorkie...ha ha...

Blah blah blah blah Big Gob is Back - No sadly not Smudger - hurry up back from your holidays I miss you already!

2007-06-21T10:06:00.000+01:00

Well I know what you're thinking - lazy moose where have you been??? I've had an assignment for my Adult Learner Support Certificate (otherwise known as a City and Guilds 9295 qualification) and relations visiting, its all been a bit emotional, I've been flogging myself to death working all hours on the portfolio, tippexing, pencilling, colouring, cross referencing, typing, you name it I was doing it, all except sex and partying - damn damn damn... well after weeks of paranoia about where I stand with the Fishgobbed One and PMT fuelled angst about how much I hate living in this house with intolerant men (my brother doesn't live here but you'd think he does as he comes round often for tea and for a general granny moan - he is a fascist rolled in with a blue rinsed Grumpy Grandad most of the time! Most disturbing! My dad thinks its funny to pass wind regularly especially in my room and thinks no one has a 'hell of a day' apart from him)
However.. the clouds of cynicism appear to be shifting. Fishgob is "considering his options" and MAY leave Scumnation (my God!!!! he's seen the light!!!!!!!! wow........) and I've been out in a skirt and wearing flirtatious makeup all week because I'm just so happy and up for a laugh right now, its quite bizarre.

But it hasn't always been that way... I've been all work work work and no play, not even bouncing around on the jogger and a few Bacardis in the local with my Grandad last week can cheer me up. Big Brother mushes my brain temporarily and a black coffee at Adult Ed helps a little but what I really need is a good night out. So yesterday I seized the initiative. Thats the worrying thing, I've been so go getting lately, I've got so much done, the room is tidy, my brain is razor sharp and I've been charming the pants off people to the extent that I've got invited to a meal and party for staff and learners at the end of term as one of the staff is leaving and the Boss is "very impressed" with my provisional lesson plan for September's writing course, even Mum is shocked at the amount of work I put into my Portfolio, I have been the walking definition of "networking" answering the phones, emailing, typing up a Home Visiting Policy and designing the Gala and Fun Dog Show, I thought damnit woman you need to go out and boogie, have a beer and put the "Grrr baby yeah" back into Orangina. LOL.
So here I am, I'm back. Don't know how long for -depends how much I can drag myself away from Big B and grumbling/dribbling/square eyed studying of Smudger(! ahem..) but I shall leave you with an email that was recently published in relation to the latter point..

The Manchester United striker has been linked with a number of clubs in the past few months, and Georgina writes in to say she just wishes his future could be sorted out one way or another. “I feel pretty naffed off right now…there's so much rubbish being spouted about where Smudger's off that I'm screaming out for him to return early from his holidays and sort it all out. “Its bordering on pantomime level now, so many mid table teams (and Sunderland who are only interested because of the ex Man U manager) have been mooted with a move for Al that you just think come on people get on with it bid for the lad and get the ball rolling. “All this jostling and little action is really boring me now. It’s flipping frustrating. I am a Leeds United fan but have continued to support Alan (rightly or wrongly…) so I would really like to see him leave and go to somewhere like Newcastle United or Everton and give his confidence a boost because he looks nothing like, on and off the pitch, the guy I used to know at Leeds United - and that isn't a good thing. “The silly season is definitely in full swing"

Things Are Looking Up?

2007-05-29T22:38:00.000+01:00

The day started out as a bit of a damp squib as I couldn't get myself out of bed until 9.45am. With cat dishes to wash, ironed clothes to put away and things to think about, I had every motivation to get up and get going, yet I couldn't. I felt so heavy headed and shattered. The thing is, for many weeks I've just focused on the Adult Ed work, French and the gym, in no particular order, day in day out, week in week out, I haven't really had alot of sleep or done many chill out things. I've been quite an intense character. It was bound to get to me eventually. I sprang out of bed (as reluctantly as a spotty teenager who knows she's in for a hard time from the tutor as her assignment is half finished!) and chatted to the cleaner briefly, put the ironing away and washed the cat dishes. Wooh how exciting. Really got the ol' creative juices flowing.

What else did I do in the morning erm...checked my emails, played with the kittens, read the papers and emails, the morning flew by with a trip to look at some cat pens for a new fosterer which wasn't very productive as the pens were a bit grubby and the woman was a bit unwelcoming. On the positive side however, I got plans in motion for the Dog Show advertisement and Mum thought my Scheme Of Work for Creative Writing was something I'd devised with the help of the Internet and was pleasantly surprised when I said I just drew from my experience of Creative Writing at Uni. My friend Janine also thought it looked good. So that buoyed my mood somewhat. Can't say I was floating on cloud nine just yet but maybe about five or six. In short, the day was slowly developing from a boring caterpillar sleepily dragged out of the chryalis striving to become a butterfly of a day....what a weird old hippy I'm turning into!!

I watched Jeremy Kyle at lunchtime, went to the gym, washed my hair and then suddenly it was almost time to go to the rehoming meeting where I felt like I was being Ann Robinson at times, really speaking my mind about not being "overly happy" with rehoming to under 5s as its a huge responsibility for the parents keeping an eye on their kids anyway without bringing a vunerable furry baby or two into the home. So that was a spicy one. Chewing the fat over a woman that I had bad vibes about rehoming a kitten to as one cat had gone missing, an RSPCA cat that she had died at 8mnths old, I just thought hmmmm amongst other things.... But ever the true plainspeaking Yorkshirewoman I wasn't deterred and stood my ground. I'm finding increasingly that people respect me rather than feel freaked by it, I am learning to be more confident with how I feel about things and just go for it, if I applied my passion for animal rights to my lovelife I'd make a fantastic relationship counsellor. The trouble is, get something blonde and West Yorkshire accented with blue eyes and fishgob lips in front of me, that assured, vocal, outgoing individual becomes a shaking blob of mushyness. Tsk.

Well I wish there was more interesting things to say but I'll finish with this. I look at myself now and think you've come a long way, I'm finally finding a niche in supporting learning disabled at the Adult Ed Centre and combining that with my journalistic skills with doing the newsletter and trying to get the Creative Writing course off the ground. There's a big bad world out there crying out for a fearless character to step into the limelight and grab a piece of the action. That person is me. Its really sweet Mum keeps thinking I'm going to be here in five, six, seven years time, living in the same house, but realistically, if I get a job with Adult Ed in September or around that time and start saving up, there's every likelihood I wont, and Miss Plainspeaking won't be there to "sort out" Dad or Stu or provide a sane voice when they're driving her up the wall. On the other end of the 'phone yes, but not in person. Slight difference. I just hope my parents won't clip my wings as I'm ready to fly and meet the right guy, get the right job and enjoy life to the full.
Until next time folks...

Highs and Lows...Swinging Hot and Cold Like Spiderman Crossed With David Walliams In A Swingers Bar

2007-05-28T22:17:00.000+01:00

What is it with me? One minute I'm happy go lucky, the next minute I'm work obsessed, scrutinising every detail like a slight pencil mark making a note look scruffy or obsessing that a not quite neatly referenced page isn't quite scribbled and labelled on enough, talking about the fishgobbed one til 2 in the morning, feeling high that he scored a goal, sense of humour's dry, the brain wet and soggy, saturated with either the S word (Smithy) or the P word (Portfolio) I'm certainly a Jekyll and Hyde character. One minute I want to write everything down in really comical, interesting terms, in the blogger, the next I think oh sod it write a few lines sign off and go to bed and then I end up spending a few minutes (what seems like an hour) over either what I'm going to say or answering IMs in between like some embattled underpaid undersexed surly secretary type. What a goddamn nerd I'm turning into.......typing up French, typing up and pickling the grey matter over constructing a creative writing scheme of work for an interview, making a cake for the weekend like a Desperate Housewife, beating the bad weather blues with tidying my room (oh my god I must be ill!) and arranging ornaments and pictures

I've been crazy - an intense doer and a thinker but with a hint of "Miss Lazy Slob" at times, one extreme to the other, one minute really alive and full of ideas, bursting at the seams to get things done, but then in the next breath struggling to wake up before 9.30, dazed, confused and more drunk than a drugged up skunk with or without alcohol - I think too much, I stay up too late and do take life way too seriously sometimes! I'm becoming a Class A nerd! I used to be a clubber, raver, going out every other Friday, the biggest thrill I get at the moment is buying clothes and seeing Alan play on TV. Borrrrrrrrring!!! Nice, but boring, after a while.I would love something crazy to happen to me. Its fantastic that we managed between Mum, Dad and I, to find a lost cat, de-tick and coax it into coming back to its new home after it escaped by accident through a window but if thats one of the highlightsof your week, coupled with a fishgobbed bloke kicking a ball into a net its a bit like god woman get a life, isn't it, really??????

Helllllllp!!!!!!! As I said to my best friend, I need to get out more! Something that doesn't involve going on vet runs, aerobics, the gym, adult ed, something a bit more uplifting and crazy. Tomorrow I'm probably going to the gym at some point and then I'm going to an RSPCA homecheckers meeting in the evening. God I'm so radical! Don't get me wrong, I have a nice life and I'm very lucky that my parents are willing to let me do the courses with Adult Ed and volunteer twice a week without getting paid, they think its good that I'm working towards a decent job and that I feel good about it. But thats the point, I do feel generally good, but life is lacking a little umph, a life force behind it, a bit. I'm getting to that point in life where people are going on about kids, boyfriends, marriage..etc etc Spider Man 3's gooey last half hour of what was otherwise a rollocking good action fest kind of made me wallow into that pit of paranoia and 'oh my god I'm 24 and collecting dust on the scrap heap, shoved in the stock room etc etc malarkey! (how people can take fidgety six and eight yr old kids into a two and half hr or so film thats pushing it to be rated 12A I don't know!! - I'm sounding like Mary Whitehouse or something aren't I? - If you don't know who that old battleaxe is, google it!) Anyway.......I shall try and blog more often but I'm all over the place a bit and lack of sleep and a lack of fun isn't helping. Sure deadlines have to be met and chores have to be completed but you've got to be free, live a little, sometimes..

Moving On Up!

2007-05-23T21:45:00.000+01:00

Had about as much enthusiasm for life as a sloth this morning, slowly emerging from my cluttered jungle pit of crumpled bed sheets and a musky room cluttered with worksheets, football pictures and jumbled up clothes and miscellaneous items as organised and tidy as a four year old let loose on a clean carpet with brand new glitter pens.......So what was a girl to do? I trudged downstairs, sorted out the recycling basket, poured oneself a glass of water, glugged down a smoothie, turned on the TV to find out the latest gossip and made Mum a cup of peppermint tea. Washed my hair which was greasier than Terry Venables's Oak Wood varnished noggin sorry in English --- greasier than his overly tanned face ;o) The rest of the morning drifted away as I read the papers and played with the kittens.
I wasn't really looking forward to Adult Ed for some reason, I was a bit anxious as I was eager to get the Unit 2 assessment form done and wasn't sure if I'd have enough time to approach Rachel about it. As it happened, it was quite thought provoking, from the serious (chewing the fat over the assessment forms, considering Martin's offer of applying to do the PGCE and teach a creative writing course at a local school on an evening for twelve weeks in September) to the surreal (playing an alphabet game involving one learner taking away a wooden coloured alphabet letter and then the others guessing which one he'd taken away by writing it on a white board and then looking to check - I say surreal because it felt like I was playing a party game as everyone bar Jane was so jolly about it, you forget about their difficulties when you get involved in activities like this as we're all having a laugh and helping each other to learn at the same time in a more easygoing way, rather than just laboriously writing down the letters) to the sad (Jane being upset over the taxi not turning up and the IT guy being like a sargent major barking orders getting her to "sit down sit still and stop panicking!!" (don't panic Mr Mainwaring stylee rolled in with Ann from Little Britain. she just cannot cope with any change, she is so serious yet so sensitive, its really sad but believe me you would've understood why the tutor and I had to hide behind a corner as we were trying to stifle a few chuckles, she was so dramatic and bawling her eyes out. When Martin, the boss, offered to take her home she just got worse as it was another different thing..she'd been temperamental all through the session anyway and this was the final straw)

Anyway.. back to the conversation I had with Martin, basically he would like me to come up with a rough plan for 12 sessions on Creative Writing, I will then have an interview with Martin and the curriculum co-ordinator (eek!) to establish whether they think I would be professional enough and provide a thorough, detailed enough course to their liking. He doesn't think it'll be a problem that's why he's asked me but it's just something they have to go through. Of course I'm as nervous as hell conjuring up the fear I feel inside when I'm stepping inside the purgatory that is the Dentist or the lift(!) but if I think carefully, believe in myself and remember that I did a whole module on Creative Writing and passed with flying colours, at University, I write poetry, have written short stories, have regularly had published lots of football and general articles both in local newspapers and websites. So I can do it. Quite a few in my family are teachers so they'd be able to support me with lesson plans etc if I got stuck. There's every chance it may not run as these sort of things don't crop up often in this area its mainly Skills For Life, practical courses, craft courses and general courses rather than specific ones for people who just want to learn more about writing at a deeper level or a specific area of writing that they enjoy doing. I myself, funnily enough have been looking out for a course like this to do, to keep the creative juices flowing. As sometimes I do get stuck in a rut, hence why I don't always write on here or leave it alone for a while like a neglected Christmas toy that's lost its magic after a couple of weeks or so.

Been busy this evening helping Mum and Dad to move stuff into my new room, got most of my pictures up, it looks great. Yes I've got quite a few football pictures up, but theyre photographs rather than scruffily blu-tacked posters from Match or Leeds Leeds Leeds. I am trying to keep it classy I don't want to mark the walls as badly as Alan marked his entry in my little black book for signing for Man U (boom boom) There's a range of influences, from my own artwork of bright stripes, stars, numbers, symbols, far away places, to my Nana's Indian souvenirs, an oil painting by Dad's cousin of the Lakes, Al's boots, pics of he and I, old furniture, new furniture, a Tunisian carpet over ten years old brought back from holiday, a fair trade mirror, the jogging machine, two large wardrobes full of gear that make me more fab than WAG. Well I like to think so anyway.

If I were to sum up my room I'd say it's "intriguing with a little bit of everything" The walls are blue but the mood is bright with some really interesting ornaments and artefacts from Gordon Ramsay's autobiography to War and Peace, there's no doubt I'm a multi-faceted woman...thankfully not literally! I must find that picture of Alan and I, the very first one ever taken, he was 19, I was only about 17, when I look at it I feel incredibly old but it also reminds me how far I've come. I was gingery haired, shy and just finding my feet in life at 17, I'm now 24, had articles published, got involved in various organisations, here there and everywhere, gained a designer wardrobe and a colourful if a little crazy personality, slimmed down to size 6 rather than the size 10-12 I was then, have trendy short slightly peaked like a mohican light reddy brown hair, I'm myself and I like it that way. I don't ever ever ever want tob e labelled a WAG or for anyone to copy me in any way. I love being different. If I start being a sheep, please call a vet urgently!!! Al has been one of the few constant men bar my male family members, in my life, in one way or another and the old me could never have really got anywhere near him. I was ridiculous. I asked my Dad to ask him for an autograph, when he said hello to me I looked down at the floor as if I'd been summoned to see the Headmaster. Now, I feel happy, high, ambitious and up for the challenge. People are giving me more responsibilities, trusting in me, I'm gaining more personal space at home with a brand new room, a brand new start. All I need now is Mr Smith to wake up and smell the coffee and sing off the same hymn sheet as me. Hopefully not literally as I know his singing is as bad as my sewing ability! As atrocious as Leeds' defending.....

On that note..until next blog!

What makes a celebrity?

2007-05-22T11:15:00.000+01:00

Here's a question I pondered recently. Apologies for not posting yesterday, I didn't get up while 10am and I didn't really do much bar catching up with TV, working on my portfolio and general chores. Boring huh? So you didn't miss much...

This morning I stumbled across a huge number of pictures of a certain Mr Smith on a brand new website. The thing that struck me was most of the pictures, even when he was in fancy James Bond style clobber, painted the story of a guy who, if I wasn't into football, would just be passed off as a very good looking guy but thats about it. I wouldn't think he was a star or anything. Even before I had met him, I was in awe of him because he was a footballer but I didn't think of him as famous as no one else knew him at the time and were more concerned with Michael Owen, Beckham et al. When I got to know him I saw a decent, down to earth guy who despite the rather nice BMW and bumper football contract, kept his private life to himself and even when he moved to Man U, he has never openly commented on some of the idle gossip and speculation both on and off the pitch in recent months, years etc. He was quite charming, funny and whenever he smiled, the whole room smiled with him. Alan doesn't demand huge amounts of money or attention for his charity work and appearances, he does it because, in his words, he genuinely enjoys giving something back. For me, he's not a celebrity, even now he's at Man U, hes the same old Alan, the mumbling pen pincher (he nicked my labelled - it says GP on it - permanent marker when he was about 19) with codfish lips and a hilariously spiky attitude which matches the dodgy punk hair which dissolves quicker than his blackcurrant tea when he's off the pitch, he transforms himself into a shy but twinkly eyed schoolboy type who can't tie up his tie properly and has half a sleeve or a few hairs messed up on the head. In short, he is human. Bloody hell. What a revelation. Joking.

What I'm trying to say is celebrities are people caught up in extraordinary lives and events, people who, on the whole are very well known countrywide if not worldwide for a number of things such as acting, campaigning, singing, shows, TV etc etc (not counting the Reality TV people and wannabes or even the WAGS because where would Coleen be without Wayne? Where would Posh be without Beckham right now? And vice versa in some respects actually?) To me Alan isn't one because I've grown up watching him as if through the eyes of a younger sisterly type (even though I fancy the a*se off him) I feel uncomfortable looking at some of the casual, offguard pap pics thinking I wouldn't like that, I used to have loads of pics everywhere of him at football etc but I've taken them all down. It doesn't feel very nice and I feel awkward about it. My memories are far more powerful and interesting than a few printed off pics from a sixteen year old's home made "Smithy Forever" type site. I'm 24 not 14. I feel like I'm trawling through someones personal space, their privacy, their lives, when I have no damned right to. I wouldn't like it if he sneaked into my house and looked at all my photo albums. Al's a tough cookie and knowing him he'll probably take half a look at some of the photos online one day and think "God I look sh*te oh well ne'er mind" but it just goes to show, even the lesser lights on the footballing/celebrity stage are not safe from the most random of pap moments.

Am I weird that I'd rather go to Starbucks with him than Selfridges? Am I even stranger that I think Justin Timberlake looks like a dirty trampy rat with a weird nose and bum fluff for a comedy thin beardy weirdy thingy he sports like Beckham used to?

Am I weird that I still think I've got a chance with Al? Probably... but at least I don't flaunt my pics of Al online, I got angry with a girl who (unbeknown to me) posted several private photographs, including one of my most treasured that my mother took of him when he was 19, signing a programme for me with the pen that he subsquently nicked (!) eventually she backed down and removed some of them but left that one up with a note of my ownership of the photograph.

Nothing is sacred these days is it.......

The Whinger Returns

2007-05-20T23:27:00.001+01:00

I'm back. The last few days have been pretty uneventful bar realising that, in the words of Austin Powers, I'd lost my mojo and it had been stolen by none other than oneself who has created a Fort Knox style barricade in her mind, only allowing in "an ability to identify the purpose of utterances" or "Where's that sheet on..." "Oh my god it's almost 1am and I still can't sleep" and "Should I give up on Alan?! [with the head screaming manically yes the heart sighing no don't bloody jump the gun you chicken!]

That aside, a trip to the gym, watching an FA Cup final that was as exciting (to me) as wandering round a garden centre for the day followed by an episode of Coronation Street on slo-mo. It only livened up after the beloved Smudger came on and that was as late and ridiculous as Scholes's attempt at tackling.. he should've been on earlier, it needed a spiky character to make more of a drama out of it. By the time he came on it was ...oh never mind.......I don't like Man U (that's being nice u know, I could use stronger language but I won't, I'm mellowing in my old age - good god..) and I certainly don't like Chelsea (I'm sure the football fans will know about the chant involving getting one's father's gun and shooting the Chelski..people..ahem ahem)

Anyway, back to reality (as near to reality as you're going to get when you're swanning around with a Prada phone, Gucci watch and a head that's getting more mushier than mushy peas at the thought of Mr Smith) I confess I didn't get up til 10am. Tsk tsk. Nothing of particular note really today, played the role of chief skivvy and swot to perfection, making coffees, tidying up, keeping an eye on six kittens, working on the portfolio for the Adult Learner Support worker certificate, practicing for the singing lesson tomorrow, I slowly began to pull myself out of the "I feel miserable I neeeeeeeed Mr Smith" mode and realised hey, I've actually done quite a bit lately and I'm entitled to feel a little washed out and needy, I've worked like a trojan to get things done, keep stuff on track and help people out all whilst neglecting my increasingly pressurised head in check - the thing is, the RSPCA work, Adult Ed and watching mindless TV like the wonderful Desperate Housewives and the legend that is Dr Who today, and not forgetting the heartwarming Kingdom which is like a cute and more comedic version of Hearbeat - Heartbeat is a battered old comfy chair that you can't quite throw out but know one day you'll have to(!) ..oh get to the point woman stop rambling!!!!.... the thing is, it takes me out of myself and gives me time to wind down and reflect. I have been way too serious lately.

My birthday gave me an excuse to party, I shouldn't need an excuse to party at 24. I should go out more, get organised with going to the pub quiz down the road, enjoy going to Spiderman 3 with John and Dale this Tuesday (ones sixtysomething ones married, so no chance of romance there sorry to disappoint you chaps and chapettes!!!) and be more free. Sitting at home with the parents watching TV or surfing the web for idle gossip, feeding the brain with paranoid speculative garbage only serves in the long run, to chain you up and gag you til you're gasping to be let free. This week I'm going to seize the moment, yes seriously, I have to do something more interesting with my life. A certain degree of organisation and stability is fine, like choir, gym, set TV schedule, voluntary work, but sometimes you've just got to let go and wait and see what happens. I'm terrible at it. The unknown doesn't have to be scary. It could enlighten you...

Oh my god, the Rev Orangina preaches again.....may the Lord save you all!!!!!! Its good to write things down though and clear things out of the clutterbuck area that is the brain, filled to the brim with this that and the other and hopefully a few half decent brain cells to help one function in French tomorrow. Au revoir.... bonne nuit.......lol...

The madness after the night before

2007-05-17T11:07:00.000+01:00

I went out in the rain early morning this morning to make sure I didn't chicken out. I felt a mix of euphoria and paranoia. Euphoria that I'd finally said exactly what was on my mind, paranoia that he'd take it the wrong way and that he was still on/off with the last girlfriend who is younger than me, probably prettier than me and probably supports his team (which I don't!) hmmmmm oh come off it G. Chill out woman. Because of this I have been a bundle of nerves all morning, buttoning up my clean bedding sheets with all the grace of a heffalump with an attack of the collywobbles, shaking like I'd just been administered with a near overdose level of Red Bull as I surfed the web chewing over, mincing over, fretting over ridiculous time wasting brain cell destroying mushy stuff otherwise known as the green eyed monster and the dreaded "What if he doesn't like me, what if he's got a girlfriend' complex...uh oh. Just when you thought I'd turned over a new leaf, the new leaves suddenly went brown and dropped off quicker than you could say "Alaaaaaaaaaaan!!!!"

Dear Lord. God help me today. I've got a boring brain numbing RSPCA meeting to go to tonight, if I haven't said already I volunteer for the local RSPCA, homechecking and helping my Mum with fostering several cats in a cat pen in the garden. I was considering going to the gym but I think I'm in too much of a negative headspace I need to calm down and chill out a bit more. Everything is piling up on top of me and squashing my head as if some three tonne elephant by the name of fear has parked its bum on me. I think I'm going to go to the gym after all. I need to go out and get some fresh air....see what Mum's doing first. Its either that or stay here and type up French and get your nice designer trousers ruined by tiny kittens crawling up it stinking of kitten milk. Tough choice.

Well I know I said I'd go to the gym but my head was hurting like hell, I decided to help with chores and spent most of the day either obsessing about work, bitching about this that and the other and generally feeling the love - not! I feel like I'm drifting through life, going through the motions, I've been trying to check myself and just think oi you've done quite a bit today don't be so hard on yourself, but no amount of chips, cake, Desperate Housewives or soul searching with my best friend via text or IM can help me right now, I'm wallowing in a sea of stupidity and sulkiness. I must've been a bloke in a previous life....Oh well..roll on the weekend eh. I don't think I'll blog tomorrow I think I need to just calm down, watch mindless TV and not think so seriously about life, its way too short for it.

It's time to leave the past behind

2007-05-16T23:29:00.000+01:00

Its taken surfing the web and moaning about the peroxide one's exes and late night scribbles for the Adult Ed portfolio to bring me to my senses. I need to meet this issue head on. I finally have got a few screws tightened in my silly little head and decided its time for more action, less words.
So therefore I am going to send the following to Fishgob.(Obviously, I'm not going to call him fishgob, like duh thats a surefire way of NOT getting a date..)

I thought of the following

Dear ...

How are you fixed in the next couple of weeks, I..

and thats how far I got!! Thats how chicken I am!! Its ridiculous, I am a hotbed of passionate ideas and (sometimes) pretentious prose on my blogger and in my articles but with this guy, you're lucky if I can articulately express my feelings within a paragraph without stumbling, crossing out or tippexing here there and everywhere.

Okay okay I have to get on with it..

Dear ..

I love you. This is far as I got without thinking shall I write a poem, shall I just leave it because I've got no chance anyway coupled with ohmygodwhattheheckamidoinghe'llfreakoutaaaargh moments bouncing around like ping pong balls with "do i" "don't i" "should i" "shouldn't i" feeding my lovesick veins with pathetic paranoia.
Right tell you what, I'm going to do the simplest thing, I'm going to write down exactly what I've just put and then say er..I dunno..I'm working on it.... oh well.. I'll keep you posted guys!!!!!

Well you know what people. Less is more.
So I'm just going with...

Dear ..

I love you.

From me

xx

Oh god I want to puke up now bleurgh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Possibly the Most Geeky..Freaky Post Ever

2007-05-15T22:37:00.000+01:00

Proof that old age is turning me into a geek..I sent five questions to my friend Janine via email just now "for a laugh" and this is what I filled in... (oh I must be so bored to be doing this sort of thing, bit like when people send you forwards, you want to look at them but then you end up wasting half your life downloading the pictures or trying to resend that dratted long forgotten but worth a shot friend that makes up the 10 for "A life time of happiness" or face breaking the chain and "you will have seven years bad luck" etc etc. God don't they annoy you but amuse you in equal measures? And these people who have the time to forward such stuff, does the boss know?? Ha ha.. Anyway here's the questions below..

1. What was your first thought this morning
"Better get up otherwise i''ll take forever to get going this morning"

2. Who was the first person you texted and what did you say
My friend Katy in reply to hers about whether I had a nice birthday weekend

3. What's the strangest thing you saw today
David Beckham's girly tight white pants showing through his shorts in a picture in Heat magazine(!)

4. Sum up your day in one word
Busy

5. What was the best thing about today?
I feel like I'm getting somewhere with my portfolio work, labelling and checking over it made me realise just how much I've achieved in a short space of time. I'm not panicking as much now.

Done alot of organising and sorting today, tidied my room, picked a nice oak antique style unit for my new bedroom, helped mum with food shopping, liased with tutor at cookery class to make sure all the record sheets, worksheets had been completed or put in their files, took pictures as evidence for those who were being entered into an assessment/exam...

I've been up to all sorts as usual..smelling of kitten milk ..moved to tears watching Jeremy Kyle visiting Kenya in a daze with a moody haze panicking about work, Dad being a jerk ((if he cant find something or the answer to something in a few seconds flat its a total disaster and the negativity swamps the house quicker than ants on a left over jam sandwich!) to sticking labels on my portfolio work like some burnt out secretary gagging for the none-forthcoming payrise to burning serious workaholic/paranoid android/will he or wont he tensions on the jogger listening to the Kaisers and bouncing up and down on the trampoline fifty times with more vigour than Calum Best on a Playboy bunny's bed... yes its been sooooo exciting today!!
Right I better sign off...
Until next time folks..

Hazy Days

2007-05-14T10:40:00.000+01:00

Late nights pickling my brain with the Adult Ed coursework, the ongoing saga of 'will he or won't he talk to me does he or doesn't he like me' to-ing and froing in the form of emotionally charged mind poisoning texts, emails and IMs, scoffing chips and warm beetroot tart polished off with wine and chocolate mousse at Bettys in York, preserving one's grey matter in the embalming fluid known as Bacardi and Coke to the point of saturation - I feel like the living dead! I have worked so hard on my project, fixed a false smile on my face, baked my own chocolate birthday cake, partied, gossiped, got soaked to the skin last night waiting to watch Mika at Leeds University (it was absolutely fantastic, like an ultra camp school disco with attitude! balloons, bubbles, bags of fun..it was a great finale to a mad weekend of birthday celebrations) the reality has hit me hard today. I may be a year older but I'm not exactly a year wiser. I am still hopelessly, ridiculously in love with the same bloke and no nearer to establishing exactly how he feels. Getting into his mind is like trying to unlock Fort Knox. I look into his eyes and melt away quicker than a Snowman in Barbados. Bleurrrgh. Some things, never ever ever..change!!
The carpet is being laid down in my bedroom, I'm still waiting for my double bed to arrive (I suppose you've got to speculate to accumulate!! ha ha!) theres sheets and half scribbled project notes everywhere, I feel more washed out than a helpless beached seal right now. It's going to take more than a mug of Green and Blacks chocolate to pick me up again. Come on G.... Alan's in the England B squad, you've made great strides with your project, Adult Ed have got another voluntary class lined up for you chill out woman *ho hum!*

Leeds are down, my confidence is up but I still fantasise about the peroxide one!!

2007-05-02T11:55:00.000+01:00

Im on the second part of my Adult Education Learner Support training, I have been up to my eyeballs in annotating charts, writing up evidence of understanding utterances and bitching about the lads in Joseph - Frodo, Beckham, Bob the Builder and Will Young (Well thats what they look like to me...!!) frustrated by the freaky two Davids on Grease - that is David Gest and the d*head that is David Ian - they both love themselves but one is a fruitcase and the other is too busy looking at the fruity charms of the women ie ooh shes gorgeous with eyes firmly fixed on one page 3 type's boobs!! Yes I admit it I've got the reality tv love bug once again, its sooooo bad its soooooooo camp its soooooo set up its good. Lets not forget Dr Who and Wife Swap, don't you think Tennant looks sexy in glasses? Who else thought that the muslim wife swap was a walking advert for why there are a significant minority of them that breed the 9/11. 7/7 paranoia??? Anyway......... here's an article just published by sportingo which sums up my feelings about Leeds
The Only Way Is Up - Or Is It?The Elland Road club seem to have one foot in the footballing grave after a disastrous season in the Championship. Their tormented fans are praying for a miracle rise from the ashes of mismanagement, misguidance and misery.
Someone apply the brakes! It looks like we're going to crash and burn! Oh, too late. Thump! Reality bites. No tears. No pain. Just 'Oh well, we were pathetic anyway' and the sound of 'We're all going on a three-division tour' joyfully ringing through the stands with self-deprecating tones.
This sinking feeling is all too familiar for Leeds United fans.
Leeds are yet again the laughing stock of English football. They're down and seemingly out for the count with sharks already circling to dish out a killer blow to a once-mighty force who went out with a whimper against Ipswich. All and sundry has an opinion.
Who should be in the stocks? Who deserves the rotten tomatoes? The so-called fans who encroached the pitch? Ken Bates, the Bad Santa who came bearing grudges rather than gifts a plenty? Peter Ridsdale the Rogue Transfer Market Trader Rebel Without A Clue? Wisey the Wimp? The Who The Heck Are You and Oh Yeah, You Were Good for So and So Once brigade?

The truth hurts and the reality is that a vicious potent mix of all of the above has been administered in such a strong dose that Leeds United are practically comatose.This bitter tale could twist and turn for years to come. Looking back in anger as part of an ongoing 'blame game' twists the knife in further. The rise and sudden plummet in fortunes has been a tragi-comedy close to overkill, thanks to the scandal rags, fed-up fans and gleeful Leeds haters who love to verbally maul an all-too-easy prey.
Each and every tired, trampled-on, hopelessly devoted and in some cases somewhat deluded fan has surely seen it all now... want to bet? We can't expect to go to the likes of Bournemouth and Southend with the hope of just topping up one's tan and three points as safely tucked away as O'Leary, Blackwell, Mills, Kewell and company's retirement fund, paid very kindly by Leeds United AFC.
We are more vulnerable now than ever. How many young kids have been nicked by better Championship or glory-chasing Premiership clubs? How many more will go now we've sunk to a new low? How can we build a future around 30-something loanees, has-beens and journeymen? Can we afford to sack Wise? If Bates goes, who the hell will want to take up such a poisoned chalice? Is liquidation the only answer? Should we just cut our losses right now, clear the lot of them out and start all over again? So many questions, so few answers.
All I know is for too long we've been stuck in the past, we've looked over our shoulders as if the Premiership golden days were just yesterday. We've gone all misty eyed at our treasured football programmes from the Champions League season, the shirts or lucky socks we wore when we were in contention for the title - hoping, praying that it'll all return again very soon.
How many of us, hands on hearts, have talked about Leeds in terms of the old days and said: "I wish so and so was here" or "Do you remember when?" What good is it? All this reminiscing over yesterday's men, yesterday's glories, yesterday's euphoria has disintegrated into despair and desolation. All that's left of the 'good' Leeds United is represented by a few ticket tabs, tattered photos and nostalgic DVDs.
Up to now the only stable aspect of Leeds United has been the support of the long-suffering fan bestowed upon a bunch of misfits, old gits and pretenders. The only way to repay the passion of the steadfast shirt-wavers is to get a team together that feels the hurt and has enough fire in its belly to climb up what seems like Yorkshire's answer to Mount Everest and come out of the proverbial frying pan of Coca Cola League No One (Sorry, Coca Cola League One) firing on all cylinders and ready to battle long, hard and determined to the end.
No more ill-meant, ill-made promises, no more flash boys, no more 'he played for England once' or 'he was part of a World Cup winning team' types; we want the hungry, made-of-steel hearts-of-gold individuals with typical Yorkshire grit. I'm fed up of going to games thinking 'Er, who?' and 'How long have we got him for? Can we afford him...' Let's look at the long term, not the short term Elastoplast quick-fit solutions.

If my fellow Leeds fans want to stand up and be counted they have to swallow their pride, take all the jokes, like for example - 'What have a cordless drill and the Championship got in common? They've got no Leads (Leeds..get it, ho ha ha not!) and look forward, not back.
These are dark, desperate times. There needs to be less finger-wagging, thuggery and treachery; everyone, from the cleaner to the common man waving his battered old Leeds flag in defiance, has to stick together. If we don't do that, then the Grim Reaper will surely put the final nail in the coffin.

Back with a vengeance and flying high!

2007-04-12T17:00:00.000+01:00

YESSSSSSSSSSSS GET IN THERE!! ABOUT TIME TOO!!!!!!! Those immortal words were spoken by the goddess of cynicism that is Orangina when her beloved Smudger scored this week. It was also an echo of what was to come as suddenly the positivity radiating from Super Al's beaming smile reached out to other aspects of one's life - I suddenly felt almost invincible :0) Good things truly do come to those who wait. It was 2005 the last time he scored a goal.

I wrote a poem today about the last few weeks. I'd felt a bit frustrated, confused and rather angry about my Mum's family and how they were still struggling with grief but bringing another grandchild/child/cousin into the world at the end of this year in trying circumstances involving a Grandad who cannot believe hes still here and his granchild isn't and is as a consequence, to put it mildly, losing it, a mother who is going to be nearer to fifty than forty when her new addition starts school with a husband whose behaviour is questionable and erratic, a daughter who is still suffering the after effects of attempting to take her own life and deal with the fact she no longer has a sister to lean on and confide in when she cannot talk to either of her brothers because of a hatred of men....so naturally I was feeling a bit sad that I had a lot of things that they didnt, namely emotional security, financial security..basic things you take for granted. But suddenly on Tuesday I felt a bright light had shone down on my life in a very bleached, very manic, fishy form(!)
My reaction to Alans goal is quite a funny read. I was absolutely over the moon it was ridiculous!!! :-) My printer has been coughing and spluttering like Dot Cotton for the last couple of days churning out what my father would deem offensive material (no not porn nor even naked stuff, just a bleached bloke with fishgob lips and dracula teeth gurning and fist pumping)

As Alans biggest fan and a Leeds supporter,I'm nothing short of delighted.. his performance reminded me of the Alan that epitomised our Champions League fairytale. He is such a joy to watch and no one deserved such a timely boost to one's confidence as super Smudge. A great character and a fantastic, workaholic footballer. Never ever write this man off. Tonight showed why nothing can stop Alan, boo boys, broken leg horror, controversial cross pennines trip hes faced it all with a cheeky smile, devilish aggression and class. Good on you lad, good on you!! :-)

So here's the poem...

Change is happening fast
Somehow I knew the negativity wouldn't last
Chipped plates, family dischord,
Feeling low and bored,
Swept away in a matter of days
By that man Smithy putting on one of his best displays
Rolling back the years
I was almost in tears
What a goal, what a peach,
With amazing positivity, Trojan attitude you cannot teach
Beaming smile lit up my world once more
I felt alive, energised, encouraged, my jaw almost at the floor...
Storing away long forgotten but deep rich memories of old
Today I was rather bold
Threw tat and random things out teh door
Suddenly a brave new world opened - I was ready to explore!
I will never forget and I couldn't get rid of everything
The photos that caused my heart to go 'ping'
The homemade gifts made by Nat
Some of it now looks worn, dated, maybe a bit tat
But each thing, scrap, book or picture told a story or two
Some of them will be nice to look at and handle when I'm 82!!
The point is today I looked at the past
Treasured it but realised fast
There's no time like now
Attacked the clutter - wow!
Gave more things to charity
I felt so happy, so free
Can see daylight
The fuure's burning bright
I've got on to the next level of my course at Ad. Ed.
Ok my heart's still like lead
For Mr Fishgob
But I know I can do anything so it's not an impossible job! :-)

Am I the April Fool?

2007-04-01T19:59:00.000+01:00

Woke up with a massive thumping headache, a bit like the beating of the drum of doom pulsating in my head - I'm just way too cynical and gloomy about the idea of Alan fancying me or even being in love with me. Yet my Mystic Meg aka best friend Janine, is convinced. My family are always mentioning him and dropping hints here and there about their opinions on the situation but the buck stops with me. The idea of a solution to this ongoing problem being go to Hell aka Old Trafford fills me with dread. I whinged moaned and backed myself into a corner on this subject and went round and round until I felt sick, tired and dizzy and finally retreated at 5am so this is why today and the last few days have been a bit cr*p to say the least. I cannot seem to shake of the curse of the blonde bloke. Cannot stop debating, slating, fawning over, falling for, bitching about, blubbing over and procrastinating about Alan. Its getting beyond a joke, it really is.
At least today has been largely constructive. Helped with chores, went up to Nana and Papa's grave, now resplendent with yellow glory - daffodils, dainty garden plants, it looks really cheerful and pretty, unlike my bedhead four-five hr sleep face which looked like the Grim Reaper's long lost sis rolled in with Billie Jo Armstrong from Green Day. Scrubbed cat dishes, made Easter cards to distract myself (as you do) tidied my room, checked emails, read gossip online and generally tried to take it easy. But its really been haunting me all day. Have I got to give it up, this dream of being with Alan? Or should I hold onto whats left of my sanity, fasten my seatbelt tighter and steel myself for a white knuckle ride over rainbow of dreams towards a pot of gold that looks like a blonde guy in a suit and big fishgob lips. What an image I conjured up there..
This afternoon/evening I was mainly helping Mum with RSPCA related chores, sat out int he garden for a couple of minutes stroking Gnasher the gnasherless cat(!) and trying to think of nothing whilst my brain was pushing me consider a random list of 101 things(!!) Got a bit bored and decided to do a Desperate Housewives impression. Plumped for a Bree Van Der Kamp impersonation; peeled the veg, put it all on, prepared the yorkshire pudding batter, veggie sausages and laid the table. Weird way to beat stress I know but it certainly gave me something to focus on.
I also seemed to take pleasure out of deflecting my own misery and turning it into a bitchfest about people, going on about how do my southern cousins cope, dysfunctional families, greed, why I don't agree with older mothers having another kid when theyve already got more than one, usual soapbox, Jeremy Kylesque ranting.. Also I just found out my cousin from Goole's flat will cost a grand to run! She's got a WAG style flat in Chester and she hasn't got a job over there yet only the high flying hi fi shop manager boyfriend and her beloved great granny and gran down the road who will basically take over the role Nana took on as chief petty cash provider and all round sucker. But in fairness, she can be very nice and very sweet, Dean obviously loves her otherwise he wouldn't be committing to a flat knowing hes the sole provider for a while and the grandparents helped her with the downpayment anyway. Shes their only grandchild bar Josh I suppose (hopefully) he'll get the same treatment one day.... Its either going to make or break her, put it that way.
Anyway, gossip/bitchfest over, I think this poem below sums up alot of my feelings just lately. The rest of the day is going to be spent watching Wife Swap (car crash TV of the highest order! yay!) and probably an episode of Jeremy Kyle (chavtastic baby! I think the RSPCA neutering vouchers should extend to some of those rampant pondlife polluting the giant fishtank we call life)

Grumbling on messenger
He hasn't got a girlfriend like duh
Shopping in Meadowhall
Seemingly having a ball
But late that night
It's less than alright
Walking up and down
Feeling like a crap clown
Witty one moment in a text
Fearful and tearful the next
Will he put me out of my misery
People say my chance is clear to see
He's lonely without my presence
Maybe I'm a dunce
I just cannot help but wonder
Fret that someone's stealing my thunder
Where's the mojo
Why feel so low
Easter's coming its a time of joy and change
I'm so strange
Fishgob's driving me round the bend
On whom can I depend?
To get me through this time
Up that lonely crazy hill I climb
I can just about see the top
My heart wants to stop
Who's Samantha?
Claws out ready like a vicious panther
Are they together now
God I'm such a bitchy, paranoid cow
I love him but cannot say the words
I'm not embarrassed to talk about the bees and the birds
Yet I cannot say the right thing
When it comes to the one guy I truly want - I'm out on a limb
So near and yet so far
My lovelife is like a stuttering car
One minute I'm accelerating with joyful speed
The next I'm willing a rotting, annoying, frustrating weed
To grow up into a resplendent tree
What will be will be....

Evil thoughts, twisted minds and feeling fortunate

2007-03-27T18:31:00.000+01:00

Thought people would like to view my most recent offering on sportingo.com Also check out my article on the Luton game. http://www.leeds.vitalfootball.co.uk/article.asp?a=56328We won and played ok and then it went pearshaped..again!! No wonder I'm the eternal cynic.. Sadly we just put my Nana's cat, Panther to sleep, my Auntie is pregnant and I'm not sure if its entirely a new beginning more like full circle and an unwelcome pause in her life from the outsider's point of view..but time will tell......she got a job, reclaimed her sanity and her life after a sad bereavement and suddenly this happens.

On the positive side I now help with a cookery class for learning disabled adults and have just had an intriguing conversation with the tutor, who turns out to be a Leeds fan like myself. I also made a nice chocolate cake to help one of the students along, demonstrating how to make a nice Easter cake. It was a refreshing change and I still mucked in though not all play and no work, washed up lots of stuff, tidied up, helped them fill in forms and paperwork. Really makes you grateful for even the basic skills you can do without blinking or batting an eyelid.

On a slightly different note, here is the transcript of the resulting email to my best friend who for her sins, lusts after a married man she's convinced will have babies with her and leave the wife(!) and the biggest sin of all, is Yorkshire born, raised in Scotland yet supports...Spurs!!!!! (ooh I'm cruel!)

It really sums up my frustrated frame of mind. I've made £100 for Comic Relief lately, making people's favourite cakes, tidied my room and started emptying it for a renovation project on it, really made some positive steps forward especially with doing a course which may lead to teaching in adult education, but yet a certain blonde bloke is dragging me down. I don't blame him directly, its my fault for being so obsessed!!

Anyway, enjoy... and after that there is my latest offering from sportingo..

"Was chatting to Ann, the cookery tutor, on the way home. She's a big Leeds fan like me but didn't realise I was a Leeds fan until today. Got on the subject of Smithy and she said she hated him and that he was a liar for saying he'd never go to Man U. I said well we all say things we regret and people forgive you in real life. We move jobs and get praised for it. In football we see it as a betrayal. Yet we would've gone down if it wasn't for Alan being sold. No one else would've given us ready cash bar Chelski and Arsenal. She agreed with that. But still said she couldn't forgive him because "he was supposed to be leeds, he was supposed to be a fan" She was quite insistent she hated him. I opened up a bit more and said well I used to knock around with some of the Leeds players, (I didn't dare say Alan) and none of the lot we've got now care, he did, to be fair. She said "well...i suppose you're right..."
It was funny that I almost felt embarrassed for Alan, upset that people didn't see the full picture. I also said well we couldn't hold him to ransom and tell him where to go, that's not our business. We could try and persuade him but ultimately in life we make our own choices and people should respect that.

I also said that Leeds suffer from fans that don't know the whole truth or refuse to accept that things have happened beyond the players control that in some ways, accounts for why Alan went to Manure. I said don't you think in a way it was an up yours to leeds cos they treated him bady at the end and made a scapegoat of him? She muttered yes. You know I could be a preacher or something, sort the bloody footballing world out. People take things on face value Janine and it hurts. Alan is not a bad person and I will not have people thinking that he's a nasty bit of stuff cos he isn't. No one's perfect, as I said to her, how many times have we done something we've regretted later or said something thats come back to bite us, the whole world didn't condemn us, we might've felt sad, guilty or stupid and had a few cross words exchanged with friends and family, but people who didn't know us didn't step in with their two penneth worth in. What makes footballers so different? They are only human after all.

God I'm hilarious. I know I say that phrase alot but I am. I felt really tense and sad and I almost, almost felt like saying if you knew how much I knew about this guy, you wouldn't feel so bitter towards him. But we did agree that Ken Bates wanted lynching(!) and that absolutely no one cared about Leeds anymore, it was worse than the relegation season and that the board were putting potential investors off. It was interesting. It really was interesting. But yet again it cements why I cannot stop loving Alan and get rid of the demons because I find myself sticking up for him left right and centre and almost revelling in the peacemaker role"

From Sportingo....

Football >> Leeds must Wise up and stand United
Leeds must Wise up and stand United
Wed, Feb 21, 07 13:26
Georgina Jane Petty
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Dennis Wise: team-leak fury (gettyimages.com)
Unearthing the Leeds United mole and restoring a fragile peace between manager, players, supporters and a less than media-savvy chairman is going to take more than points, price cuts and patience. Is this the Elland Road club's Mission Impossible?
Another game, another crucial clash. Another step towards the trap door or a gingerly tread on tip-toe to safety. Leeds United's match with QPR is 'crunch time' for so many reasons.
In recent weeks an Elland Road mole has dug a nice big dirty hole for Dennis Wise and his troops to lie in. The Grim Reaper is heading to Leeds to preside over the last rites.
Whether Dennis was bluffing when he said he knew the identity of the prize plonker who gave what turned out to be inaccurate information to a Crystal Palace pal in an effort to force a confession, who knows? Who even cares?
The more the 'he said I said they said' headline-grabbing playground folly gets thrown about in the tit-for-tat basement battleground, the more uneasy I get. The greatest irony is that we won the game!
I can see Dennis's point. We need to stick together. Leeds can't have rifts in the camp, caused by half-wit players acting out their James Bond fantasies by blabbing classified information like team tactics or selections. Although it's shaken a few, it's not stirred the many. In other words, far from rallying the troops, it's made the supporters feel anxious about yet another aspect of life beyond match-day burgers and 90 minutes of trying to gee up a battle-worn donkey.
As a plain-speaking Yorkshire woman, I don't expect or like anything to be swept under the carpet. But there is a time and a place for everything. By publicly declaring his displeasure, Dennis opened a can of worms. We were crawling with rotting apples anyway, without the worms eating away at the club's soul.
Leeds United's tradition was built upon a tough, no-nonsense spirited foundation. Now all we have is a disgruntled, frustrated manager clutching at straws to find the needle in a huge haystack - and players re-enacting a childhood game of Chinese whispers, coupled with a grumpy old fat-cat for a chairman.