When is the New Year going to bring New Cheer?

I've very much been preoccupied for much of January and the beginning of February with helping to sort out my Nana and Grandads house, (my dads parents) as my Nana passed away last month. It was quite a quick, sudden passing but felt all the more acutely and deeply by all, as this now meant, as Sharon the cleaner put it - it was the end of an era, a full stop. Grandad's funeral was a comma, Nana's was the full stop. It was very moving being with her when she passed away at least she had her family around her. But it still feels strange looking at the things I've got from her house - the paintings, the pictures, the ornaments, the empty spaces, memories of faces and places, literally and metaphorically, its all been like a bubble, a whole heap of trouble but ultimately something we've had to go through in order for her to be rested peacefully and for us to find harmony.
I am constantly reminded that its not those who pass away therefore, that really suffer, its those who are left behind. Going to Coventry for Joe's birthday meal was a stark reminder of the cruel reality. In between laughter, curry and chit and chat, Mum and I found out that my cousin, whose sister died aged 16 last year, attempted suicide by overdosing on nurofen. She would have been dead had it been paracetemol tablets. When you look at my grandparents lives - the holidays, the food, the fun, the children and grandchildren, the places, the memories, their lives have been amazing. Fred, a friend from the RSPCA, died aged 87 recently, hes lived life to the full too.. but Nat didn't totally. She has left a huge gaping hole that Bridie doesn't seem to be able to close up because she has so many complicated issues going on in her life. Her parents arent happy, she's constantly moody, angry, upset, confused, alone, hurt, insular.....grief is a selfish thing and the saddest thing is what Auntie Alison said "the thing that hurts most is she wasn't going to tell me.." (how she felt/why/what she was going to do) She should think of what I keep referring back to in my mind - if it was my turn, I'd be gone by now, but I'm not. I'm here for a reason. I might not know why or how, but I'm here. Therefore I give money to charity, help the cats, keep myself busy with the City and Guilds Volunteer course, adult ed, french, singing etc etc etc not to bury my head in the sand but to make life busy, profitable (on an emotional level) and iron out my insecurities and fears. Sometimes we just have to do mad things, crazy off the cuff things like visiting a new place, phoning a distant friend or wearing a crazy outfit and suddenly the world is sunny and bright again.
On that note I shall make it a little more lighthearted with the following poem I wrote in response to Alan Smith not going anywhere in the transfer window(!)

What makes me believe
You'd go back to Leeds?
Why have I got my hopes sky high again?
Shoving me right into the lion's den
Well I'm getting torn to shreds here
Emotionally, totally, I'm watching all positivity disappear
In terms of my chances theyre nil and none
In my heart, in my warped mind, you were 'the one'
Superhero status
Fetch me the respiratory apparatus
I'm feeling choked
Bashed bullied poked
Teasingly, pleasingly, excruciatingly,
Its off, its on, here we go...
Whats going on, DOES ANYONE REALLY know??
I gave you my heart
Now its ripped apart
To piece it back together sign for the Whites
Not saying everything will be alright
But I'll feel faith once more
Until that moment my heart has a solid 'Fort Knox' door...

Finally check out my latest article/rant on Leeds (Doing the double over Plymouth and beating Hull will mean nothing if we get relegated...ooh dear..the dreaded R word...grrr!! useless uselesss!!!)

http://www.sportingo.com/football/-leeds-united:-time-to-wise-up-in-the-last-chance-saloon/1001,1362