Frustration frustration frustration aaaaaargh!!!

I've spent the last few days bagging up, sticking, cutting, typing, cursing and scratching ones brain over making 150(!) favour bags with gem stones stuck to fancy paper with Lincolnshire sayings on the other side, for my Auntie's project - a conference for Chinese delegates in partnership with North Lincolnshire council to do with cultural diversity and as part of an ongoing educational exchange to do with her work as a schools adviser...basically I've been a total mentalist skivvy with bits of paper and counting up bags forever and ever and ever until every little last shred of my sanity was torn to bits then well and truly cremated for good measure when reading emails and online gossip about Al's supposed transfer rumours. I'm beginning to get moodier and more manic by the second, I feel like a frustrated teenager all over again!!!

And for good measure, Als not back from his hols until Tuesday, he was briefly in the country yesterday but has bogged off to Dubai whilst I sweat, suffer, sob and scream at every little last scrap of information until ungodly hour hoping and praying to every God and Deity under the Sun that he a) moves somewhere I can go watch him at, b) doesn't move to Spurs - my mate supports them and I'd be gutted I'd get ribbed every bloody minute of the day if that happened c) doesn't go abroad as that'd be a complete disaster. Nice for his tan and a complete change but for me, one step too far........Selfish of me? Yep..I know......but like the good fishgobbed one himself I'm a heart on your sleeves kind of girl and I'm not going to lie, I can't take it much longer. I had a great time out on Saturday and lapped up all the attention in the pubs and clubs and got this blond fit twentysomething called Paul slobbering over me and is now texting me regularly saying he loves me and this that and the other and I cooly (or should that be cruelly?) told him I have a good male friend who my mates think is in love with me too so join the queue of blondes what is it with you blond guys and me? (laughs) Paul is a nice enough, sweet enough guy, but this text to my best mate (The Spurs Scum) sums up the problem ...

"I've been doing alot of thinking lately I would like to bury the past [I've been rather jealous and paranoid about other women and what Alan really thinks of me beyond being friends and whether I'd burnt my bridges being outspoken with him about my hatred of Man U and pushing him to leave] and if he leaves Man U [I feel] I can.. Got enough dosh to get tickets for any Prem team and I'm always free Thursday to Sunday. i've not lost hope that I may get the old Alan back and we may be closer than we were then. [I've learnt alot and I've been more honest with him, for good or for ill I just want to chill out, do what normal twentysomethings do, hang out, find his funnybone again and help him say bye to the sulky secretive, false Alan that I've witnessed and heard of at Man U too often - he needs to reclaim his sanity and in doing so I will reclaim mine0. We suit each other for sure my family are willing to accept him [I was scared of talking about Alan before and this made them suspicious of things, even though we were mates, to me I was the crazy girl who had a bit of a crush the size of Jade Goody's gob trying in vain to get the attentions of much lusted after male friend -seemingly all women I knew were after him, better than me and more vocal, I suffered in silence apart from the odd hint, crap joke or cryptically worded tear stained letter for years and years and in the last year or so I've suddenly burst into life, got on the ladder at Adult Education, keeping fit even more than before, the clothes are flashier, but deep down that heart still aches for one man, he may look like a fish and swear more often than Pete Bennett from Big B (Remember him? No? Oh well...google it!) but I am determined to prove my cynical self wrong and sort things out once and for all.
The text goes on..... "Al staying, moving south or acquiring a girlfriend are the only possible stumbling blocks [not very major eh? hmmmmm this could be a challenge as big as Everest!] but somehow today I saw the light and believed in myself.. it just feels natural" I feel good when I'm around him and he's calm with me he doesn't feel threatened or freaked out that I've got the smuttiest laugh in England or have a very suggestive smirk of a smile, who knows what may happen........so watch this space I guess..Goodnight!

More on Edge Than Polar Bears Dodging The Melting Ice Caps

Sweltered in the heat of the gym this morning, no air con, no fun, no mercy, but I got round my usual circuit of jogging machine, bike, rowing machine, stepper, weights, etc etc ..had a frugal dinner of a few slices of cucumber and two chinese spring rolls - no I'm not on a diet I was rushing off to the hairdressers and didn't have time for much else(!) Got my hair snipped so it looked less Mullet Boy and more like Spiky Seductress (LOL! Well I'd like to think so anyway..ahem ahem) My day can be summed up with this email really - I cannot think straight, have constant headaches and keep thinking about the same damned thing... Am I frustrated? Nah not one bit (cough cough) You'd think going out tomorrow would cheer me up but nope...I'm more fed up than a Leeds fan at the latest lame joke stuffing their bulk box quicker than Viduka or Rooney in a lift together with Big Macs in their hands.. Check out what I emailed to www.football365.com it really is quite amusing how much I'm emailing about the transfer rumours, I'm latching on to every possible exit rumour going like a limpet, because I really do honestly hate him being at Man U - As if you didn't know that already....

What's all this about Newcastle signing Alan Smith? As F365 regulars will know I'm a massive fan of Smudger and have campaigned long and hard for him to wakey wakey and smell the coffee and get the hell out of the Theatre of Nightmares. I don't care where he goes as long as a) he plays as a striker b) gets regular first team football and c) its not a southern team or abroad. Point c) is really selfishness because I've had three years of watching him on the TV after many years of watching him three rows from the front every Saturday I felt pretty depressed that my Tottenham supporting friend has seen him play more often than me in recent years as she watched Spurs v Manure last year at OT and got his signature etc. Not sure the Bar Code Bunch would welcome a fiery Yorkshirewoman to the ranks though...last time I went to Newcastle the bus driver was a bit freaked out when he realised I was a Yorkie...ha ha...

Blah blah blah blah Big Gob is Back - No sadly not Smudger - hurry up back from your holidays I miss you already!

Well I know what you're thinking - lazy moose where have you been??? I've had an assignment for my Adult Learner Support Certificate (otherwise known as a City and Guilds 9295 qualification) and relations visiting, its all been a bit emotional, I've been flogging myself to death working all hours on the portfolio, tippexing, pencilling, colouring, cross referencing, typing, you name it I was doing it, all except sex and partying - damn damn damn... well after weeks of paranoia about where I stand with the Fishgobbed One and PMT fuelled angst about how much I hate living in this house with intolerant men (my brother doesn't live here but you'd think he does as he comes round often for tea and for a general granny moan - he is a fascist rolled in with a blue rinsed Grumpy Grandad most of the time! Most disturbing! My dad thinks its funny to pass wind regularly especially in my room and thinks no one has a 'hell of a day' apart from him)
However.. the clouds of cynicism appear to be shifting. Fishgob is "considering his options" and MAY leave Scumnation (my God!!!! he's seen the light!!!!!!!! wow........) and I've been out in a skirt and wearing flirtatious makeup all week because I'm just so happy and up for a laugh right now, its quite bizarre.

But it hasn't always been that way... I've been all work work work and no play, not even bouncing around on the jogger and a few Bacardis in the local with my Grandad last week can cheer me up. Big Brother mushes my brain temporarily and a black coffee at Adult Ed helps a little but what I really need is a good night out. So yesterday I seized the initiative. Thats the worrying thing, I've been so go getting lately, I've got so much done, the room is tidy, my brain is razor sharp and I've been charming the pants off people to the extent that I've got invited to a meal and party for staff and learners at the end of term as one of the staff is leaving and the Boss is "very impressed" with my provisional lesson plan for September's writing course, even Mum is shocked at the amount of work I put into my Portfolio, I have been the walking definition of "networking" answering the phones, emailing, typing up a Home Visiting Policy and designing the Gala and Fun Dog Show, I thought damnit woman you need to go out and boogie, have a beer and put the "Grrr baby yeah" back into Orangina. LOL.
So here I am, I'm back. Don't know how long for -depends how much I can drag myself away from Big B and grumbling/dribbling/square eyed studying of Smudger(! ahem..) but I shall leave you with an email that was recently published in relation to the latter point..

The Manchester United striker has been linked with a number of clubs in the past few months, and Georgina writes in to say she just wishes his future could be sorted out one way or another. “I feel pretty naffed off right now…there's so much rubbish being spouted about where Smudger's off that I'm screaming out for him to return early from his holidays and sort it all out. “Its bordering on pantomime level now, so many mid table teams (and Sunderland who are only interested because of the ex Man U manager) have been mooted with a move for Al that you just think come on people get on with it bid for the lad and get the ball rolling. “All this jostling and little action is really boring me now. It’s flipping frustrating. I am a Leeds United fan but have continued to support Alan (rightly or wrongly…) so I would really like to see him leave and go to somewhere like Newcastle United or Everton and give his confidence a boost because he looks nothing like, on and off the pitch, the guy I used to know at Leeds United - and that isn't a good thing. “The silly season is definitely in full swing"